For this week’s Comments of the Week (well, two weeks, since I didn’t do one last Monday), I’m proud to be giving away a copy of Stand By Me, the 25 Anniversary Blu-Ray edition (HITTING STORES TOMORROW!), one of my favorite movies from childhood. If you’re anything like me, you’ve already seen it 67 times, but now you can finally see Jerry O’Connell’s fat 11-year-old gunt in beautiful 1080P, the way the Baby Jesus intended.
Our winner, and don’t take this as tacit endorsement of long comments, because shorter is almost always better, but I thought Deux Deux Deux‘s manifesto from The Smurfs trailer was particularly inspired:
Charlie Smurf’s Smurfifesto:
1. No smurfing. No judgement.
2. Leave marriage to the smurfs and the Bible smurfers.
3. Don’t smurf the smurfs and trolls who lay down with their ugly smurfs in front of their ugly children and look at their smurfing lives.
4. You have the right to kill, but you do not have the right to smurf.
5. Don’t smurf interviews. Smurf warnings.
6. Either love, or hate. But you must do so smurfingly.
7. Smurf everybody that’s not in your family because they are there to smurf you and they will come at you in all forms and shapes.
8. Don’t smurf in the middle. That’s where you get smurfed. Where you get embarrassed in front of the smurf queen.
9. Hang on to your resentments. They smurf your attack. They smurf the battle cry of your deadly and dangerous and quiet battle smurfs.
10. Look fear right down the smurf.
11. The only thing you should be addicted to is smurfing.
Sorry, I’m just a simple man, who enjoys the word “smurf” substituted for other words. So congrats, Deux Deux Deux, email me your address. As for the rest of you, come with me after the jump to see if you’ve been validated.
This wasn’t a “comment” per se, just an email I thought I’d share:
Subject: Particularly stupid political bigotry
To the Editors, [my Gilbert Gottfried post] concludes with a section that begins with “POST EDITED FOR RIGHT WINGERS” (which to Mancini is no doubt anyone less liberal than Obama), followed by the sort of inane, inaccurate, hackneyed caricature of the right-of-center that’s become tiresomely regular among the left/liberal soi-dissant cultural cognescenti. Is this the sort of discourse you want for your website? If so, why should anyone of taste or intelligence bother with it? -Richard
…”the left/liberal soi-dissant cultural cognoscenti?” Armond White, is that you? You don’t have to use a fake name, man, you’re among friends. But to your point: so you were cool with the 50 times a day I rip on hipsters and hippies and all the baby rape jokes, but I make one “inaccurate” caricature of the right wing and suddenly you’re up in flabby arms? Jeez, I always thought liberals were supposed to be the ones with sand in their vaginas whining about “bigotry.” Maybe you’re right about not stereotyping people. Also, it’s spelled “soi-disant,” but I’m sure you knew that. Anyway, good luck finding a forum filled with other thin-skinned, faux-erudite Francophiles. Have you tried whinyfakesmartbitchboys.com? I’ve heard it has a certain je ne sais quoi.
Now that that’s out of the way, this week’s CotW runner up is Stinky Peet. If they ever actually make Velocipastor, he should be chief of marketing.
Stinky Peet says: Like the bible says, everyone dies at the time of the ‘raptor!
Stinky Peet says: VELICOPASTOR Chew Unto Others…
And in the same thread, Uproxx’s favorite right-winger, Burnsy:
Burnsy says: I really hope this helps my screenplay for my dinosaur sports movie LeBrontosaurus: The Dinosaur Who Cries
And from the Gilbert Gottfried/Left-wing political bigotry post:
RoboPanda says: Too tsunami.
From Finally, a Sex Toy for Twilight Fans:
CROOOOW! says: I really enjoyed sliding this ice cold shaft into my unkempt mangy cooter, just like the real thing, lol! Also, what is this “sun-light” I’m supposed to use to make it sparkle?
-Gertrude, proud mother to Mr. Boots O’Rourke and Sir Reginal P. Whiskerson
From Tom Petty’s Daughter is Directing a Saw-type Movie about Hoarders:
Moose says: That hoarder is crazy…about Elvis.
From James Bond is Old, Sad Lesbian:
Chareth Cutestory says:
“Do you honestly expect me to put up with these roots?”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you…to dye.”
From Quentin Tarantino Suing Alan Ball over His Loud Parrots:
Burnsy says: You think this is bad? You should hear Alan Sorkin’s collection of mynah birds that he trained so he could hear himself talk.
From Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Mashed Up with Ice Cube’s Friday:
Bea Dragnet: Rebecca Black is the only person to have ever dicknosed Franco.
From James Franco’s Picture of Bruce Vilanch:
Donkey Hodey says: I’m not convinced. That could be Franco’s Bruce Vilanch Realdoll. The mouth is open to maximize your pleasure while the eyes are closed to minimize your shame.
From Battle Los Angeles: Wow, Someone Wrote That:
Fekl’hr says: Watching this from the alien point of view would have been much better. Our pep talks usually go something like, “GET THAT DEAD HOOKER OFF THE BRIDGE, WE ARE TRYING TO ERADICATE THESE BARBARIANS! DOR SHO GHA! PUT OUT THAT MERKIN FIRE!”
Yes… Fek always brings it to just the right level of absurdity.
From Exporting Everybody Loves Raymond to Russia:
Dingus says: Do the Russians have a good cultural understanding of a dumb man being married to an intensely spiteful bitch that he can’t just up and start hitting whenever he feels like it?
Yes, that probably would be a sticking point.
From Julie Taymor Leaves the Spider-Man musical:
Burnsy says: “Yes,” responded someone who is also a complete hippie retard. “We should stop using taxpayer money to fund these wasteful musicals and put that money to good use. Also, we should stop using taxpayer food to eat and taxpayer air to breathe. Feed the homeless, because then they’ll grow jobs from their assh*les.”
Taco_Jones says: I can’t believe businesses are spending money trying to make money, rather than taking all the money they have and giving it away.
Crapbasket says: Giving the homeless the money instead of Taymor’s abortion is just changing which total f*ckup has the cash.
Anyway, thanks for another week lacking taste or intelligence, fellow soi-disant cultural cognoscenti. As always, use the comment section below to nominate your favorites for next week’s Comments of the Week.