I waited until Monday to write up this week’s comments of the week, and boy am I glad I did, because the Kevin Smith Defense Force turned out in numbers over the weekend in Chareth’s latest Kevin Smith update. Lots of people called it a “troll” article, which is funny to me because it even had a disclaimer stating what it was and who it was being written by. I’m pretty sure true trolls don’t warn you before they start trolling. Though I admit, I’m not a troll scientist. Anyway, let’s start with some of those:
GunsFoHire: It’s amazing how many of you f*cking assholes are going to sit on the internet with your “bigboy” pants pulled up real tight and trash talk a man who built nothing into something, meanwhile the water level is rising in your mothers basement and you’re freaking the f*ck out because that super limited edition DM guide signed by Gary Gygax might get wet. Shut the f*ck up you bunch of worthless neanderthals because the fact of the matter is you’re all going to be there on opening night with bated breath trying to suck on Kevin Smith’s cock like it shooting out golden cum.
Boy, that “mom’s basement” chestnut never gets old, does it?
David Mindstrange Ryan: Well first of all the person who wrote this is not really that smart of a person. Clerks and Clerks 2 were great movies. As for Jeff A. of course you haven’t heard about him, he is someone Kevin Smith knew from Jersey, he was in the first 2 movies but held out for the studio to offer him a contract and they never did, that is why he hasn’t been seen in other things. People don’t give Kevin Smith the chance he deserves, anyone who dislikes him should give Dogma or Mallrats a watch then see if they still feel the same way.
Did you know you can get “Logic, bro’d” for making fun of Kevin Smith? It’s true! I actually like Dogma, by the way, but now I’m rethinking that position.
Agatha Crusty: I don’t know whether to be more disappointed in the slanderous and biased reporting of this non-news or in the fact that the editor seems morally content with making journalists out of someone for the sole reason that they have a strong enough opinion and happen to be present. Must pull in a fair few pageviews for broadcasting what is essentially a troll blog.
CORRECTION: I’m morally content with deputizing hilarious people to write on my comedy site. Hell, I’m morally ecstatic. Though I am disappointed that someone named “Agatha Crusty” isn’t funnier. This is the kind of comment I expect from BelindaS987 or PepsiJohn.
rustyj87: You all are morons his movies are far better than the crap that Hollywood sh*ts out every year plus all the remakes they pile on us but I bet you all love crap with the rock In it
Safetywolf: And you get paid to write sh*t like this. Maybe you should spend your time on seeing what these movies are. A laugh and a bit of fun.
Stan Guarnelo: You know what I found out about most people who deeply criticize Kevin Smith ? They resent the fact that he got famous for doing something they wished they could do. Yeah, it childish, but it worked and he got famous for it. They rest of you are stuck in your pathetic lives while Kevin Smith is doing what you wish you could be paid to do.
Times like these I wish I could switch to a commenting system where people take numbers and choose prepared comments from a list, like a deli counter. “Hi, yeah, I’ll take one ‘Lighten Up, Bro,’ a ‘Go Watch Sandler Movies Then, Dickweed,’ with a side of ‘You’re Just Jealous.'”
Anyway, enough with our h8ers and onto the Schnitzel Bob fan fiction. This one has a Matt Ufford cameo!
Schnitzel bob: Matt sat brooding at his desk for hours that morning. His productivity waxed and waned on most days, but today he hadn’t accomplished anything except self-loathing.
The interview had been bad. He’d known that while it was happening. He’d known that when he’d written up the article the night before. But he’d hoped that, somehow, sleeping on it would help. It hadn’t. In the light of a new day the interview, and the film it was based around, were just as bad. If anything, it was worse.
The dread which had greeted him when he woke up had gotten progressively more pervading. It was one thing to have to stew in his own bad work. But he knew that he’d have to present it to Vince at some point.
Gradually, the other Filmdrunk employees filtered into the office. Alison first, then Heather. Laremy came in 15 minutes late and wandered around. He noted the sour look on Matt’s face and approached him “What’s eating you?”. Matt tried to ignore him, but Laremy stared insistently. “F*ck off, Laremy”, he muttered without looking at him.
Only a little bit insulted, Laremy shrugged and sat at his desk. Some time later Burnsy strolled in. He made his rounds, variously high-fiving or fist-bumping his coworkers. When he made his way to Matt, he sat on his desk, raised his palm and said “What’s up, brah?”
Matt managed a weak smile and extended his hand for the low-five. You didn’t leave Burnsy hanging. It just wasn’t done.
Near noon, he felt his stomach rumble with hunger and fear. He hadn’t had breakfast that morning, and knew he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down until he dealt with his issue. Matt made his way to Vince’s office.
“What?” came the usual response when Matt knocked. Matt shuffled in. “I have the interview with the guy from Linkin Park written up, boss.”
“And?” Vince was using a nail-clipper to try and cut stray hairs that were growing from his ears.
“It’s… it’s bad, boss. It’s terrible.” When Vince didn’t respond, or even stop clipping his ear-hair, Matt felt compelled to continue. “I don’t know… I just kind of froze. The questions I asked were bad, the answers were bad. God, the movie was bad.”
“What did you expect?”
Vince finally stopped what he was doing and looked at Matt. “What did you expect? I mean, look, Lieb, it was an interview with the DJ from Linkin Park on his first film. How good was it going to be? No one’s gonna care about this anyways. F*cking relax, would you? You’re no good to me when you’re shitting yourself from anxiety.”
Matt felt relieved, hungry, happy, and also a bit mad. Pressing his luck, he decided to push his boss a bit. “Then why did you ask me to do it, sir?”
Vince stood up. “You see these pants?” he asked.
“Yes, sir, those are your blogging slacks.”
“That’s right. But do you know what makes them blogging slacks?”
“Nothing, Matt. I’m a blogger. They’re slacks. That makes them blogging slacks.”
It was clear from his expression that Matt didn’t understand.
Vince sighed. “A blogger blogs, Lieb. Content or not. Good material or bad material. You’ve gotta keep going. It’s like my mentor taught me.” He pointed to a framed photo of himself and another man with their arms around each other’s shoulders and huge grins. “You see that guy? That’s Matt Ufford. Greatest blogger who ever lived. One simple rule he taught me, Lieb. Always. Be. Covering.”
“So publish that interview, Lieb. And then get back to work. I’ve got a story about Ghostbuster’s 3 with your name all over it.”
These aren’t literally accurate, but in spirit they’re dead on.
Our glibbest commenter, Verbal Kunt, was on his A-game as always. From the Paddington Bear trailer:
Verbal Kunt: I’m surprised Nicole Kidman would want to see another bear get stuffed, considering she was married to Tom Cruise for over 10 years.
Old fashioned, yet borderline offensive. I don’t know whether to clutch my pearls or stop my bow tie from spinning.
Speaking of pearls, there was the story about Greg Kinnear being cast in Same Kind of Different As Me, the faith-based story of a Dallas woman who had a dream about a magical negro that came true.
Patty Boots: Now I’m picturing an upper class white lady in pearls and a pastel cardigan, gluing pictures of magical negroes to her vision board.
judasdubois: Man the Debbie Does Dallas sequels went weird.
And speaking of faith-based films, you may remember Do You Believe?, from the producers of God’s Not Dead.
I hear that as we speak, Colton Burpo and D’nesh D’souza are working on a script called “God will smite you, atheists. Also, Obama is a Muslim”.
It follows the story of John T. Christian (the T is for ‘True’), average working man/retired soldier/pastor, a man who’s just trying to coach his son’s little league team. Like all good Americans, John likes to lead his team in a prayer before games.
Unfortunately for him, the opposing team’s coach, Louis “Civil Liberties” Nietzsche, attorney-at-LIE (who it’s implied is probably Jewish), can’t abide that a righteous Christian man (get it?!) should lead his team in a godly manner. So he conspires with the head of the league, Mohammed Obama, cousin to a certain president, to have prayer banned.
Will John be forced to adopt the godless way? Will he succumb to the combined forces of atheists, Muslims and China? Or will the True Christian’s path shine through? Find out next summer!
Write the serious version of that and you’re at least a hundred thousandaire.
Stallonewolf: “Hey Tim Cook, you know how I know you’re gay?”
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: Free Coldplay albums for all iTunes users.
I like the combo joke, but I doubt gay people are listening to Coldplay. I think Coldplay’s target audience is straight guys who play acoustic guitar with their eyes closed.
MakingFlowers: Finally, Benghazi becomes a real tragedy.
And finally, I don’t know if this is the week’s *best* comment, per se, but it’s certainly the most esoteric. From this week’s Frotcast:
I don’t think you guys realize what a great friend Burnsy has been to you. I told him the reason you don’t have him on anymore is because he is a hot slice of toast and you all are just strawberry jelly! You know what he says? “They aren’t jealous. They’re good guys. But, maybe, they have just forgotten who they’d be without me…”
Holding back the tears, Burnsy recalled how Vince once was a barista at a coffee house, listened to Bon Iver, and wore Urban Outfitters scarves to bars. He told me about the time Vince messed up his pumpkin latte, so Burnsy went in the bathroom and pooped in the sink. After telling the manager what “Vince” had done, he was promptly fired.
Now, most other people would use this opportunity to gloat and make fun of Vince, but not Burnsy. He pulled Vince aside and said, “Listen… if you don’t do what you love, you’re not going to love what you do. Your pumpkin latte is sh*t. Your outfit is sh*t. Your attitude is sh*t. It’s time for a change buddy. What do you enjoy doing?”.
“I like writing and movies.” Vince replied. “Good,” said Burnsy, “Go start a blog called Filmdrunk and get the F*CK out of my face!”.
And what about Ben? After being diagnosed with testicular cancer, when you guys were all making fun of him behind his back, it was Burnsy who he went to for solace. Dreading months of radiation therapy, possible surgery complications, etc… Benjamin was considering taking the Robin Williams way out.
He weepily told Burnsy, “I just can’t do it man! Treatment makes you lose your hair and makes you sleepy and stuff. Plus the hospital gowns open in the back and everyone will see my tramp stamp! I give up…”. POW!!! Burnsy smoked Ben like a pack of Kools, knocking out a couple teeth.
When Ben awoke, he was in a filthy motel bathroom, in a tub full of ice. Around his neck was a 12 carat gold chain with a bronzed testicle on the end of it. Burnsy’s operation had effectively cured Ben’s cancer and this was inscribed on Ben’s nut necklace: “BK/AB 4 EVA!”.
Burnsy also mentioned how Bret would always go to him for love advice (cause Burnsy is what the ladies call a “poon master”). The day of his wedding, Bret asked him, “How do you know if a girl is the one? I love her more than anything in this world, but you’ve always said, ‘never trust a bitch’. So how can I trust she’ll be faithful to me forever?”
Burnsy said, “Dude… listen, your girl is amazing and loves you too. Get those second thoughts out of your head and check this out!”. Pulling out his iPad, he showed him a video of Burnsy making love to Bret’s future wife. She was screaming in pure ecstasy as they tried positions she and Bret never thought or even dared to try.
Burnsy reassured a mortified Bret, “After that epic bang sesh, your girl is officially DONE exploring her sexual horizons! We totally did everything… which reminds me, you’re going to need to wash your Squirrel Furry costume and get the dog tested for STDs. But at least now she’ll be content with you for the rest of her life! Don’t worry, you can thank me later.” (Bret still thanks him to this day.)
Or how bout when Brendan said his favorite color was blue and Burnsy told him no, it was green. He changed Brendan’s whole f*ckin world view!
The weird thing is that Burnsy ain’t even mad at you guys for forgetting all this, he still loves you because he’s a true bro. Next week should be the ‘First Annual Frotcast Burnsy Appreciation Week’… cause it’s about time you guys stop being selfish jerkfaces and start making amends.
BurnsyFan66’s Frotcast fan fiction makes Schnitzel Bob’s Matt Lieb fan fiction look like mass-market paperbacks. And that is the most esoteric sentence I’ve ever written. Keep nominating for next week below. Rumor has it we’ll have new FilmDrunk shirts soon.