Drunk Twi-hard tries to drive to Breaking Dawn on three tires

I really wish we could play the Florida or Ohio/Florida or Germany game with this story, but unfortunately it happened in Illinois. As a place where crazy sh*t happens, we underrate Illinois. That’s where (or more specifically, in Aurora, setting for Wayne’s World), 18-year-old Olivia Ornelas (right) was arrested in a ditch after midnight Saturday. Police say she had been driving without a right front tire (which any mechanic will tell you is generally inadvisable), and when they found her, Ornelas told police she was upset because her boyfriend had reneged on a promise to take her to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn that day.


KCSO deputy observed a car in the ditch on Rt. 71/East Highpoint Rd. Upon further investigation Ornelas was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated. Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose to [sic]. Ornelas was arrested for DUI and unlawful consumption of alcohol by a minor. [police report, via TheSmokingGun]

Drunk in a ditch demanding abstinence parables is no way to go through life. Perhaps the most surprising part of this story is that she isn’t way fatter. And I’m shocked, SHOCKED to find that a girl whose notions of romance involve a man that never wants sex and stays awake all night staring at you while you sleep is having trouble with real relationships. GOD, JENNA! YOU’RE BEING SUCH A NON-PILLOW RIGHT NOW! I’m sure it’s only going to get better from here.