Ah fall, when movie studios pack up their testicles and roll out the “safe” films to warm us all up for Academy Awards season. Gone are our summer films, with your Avengers and your Batmans and your Joe Manganiello penis pumps, and arriving soon are your Tyler Perry detectives, Hugh Jackman musicals and Abraham Lincolns, who don’t kill vampires and instead let them live among us peacefully. Normally, I’d say that this is a hibernation period for action junkies like myself, who have pure adrenaline pumping through our veins, but this year seems a little different.
Putting together this list of the top fall movies, I noticed that we’re in for some bigger than usual action films, something that my comrade Dan Seitz also recently noted over at Gamma Squad. With a new James Bond on the way, a Wachowski Siblings epic that could blow our minds, and Quentin Tarantino’s tale of slave revenge just in time for Christmas, we could be in for one of the biggest fall seasons ever.
Enough chit chat, let’s let Michael Bay’s pet tiger, El Tigre Magnifico, walk us through the films that everyone will soon be talking about.
Release Date: Oct. 5
Starring: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Adam DeVine and Alexis Knapp (who I’d very like to meet my mother)
The Skinny: Pitch Perfect was written by Kay Cannon, which is very important, because she formerly wrote for 30 Rock and that means that she’s a very funny and qualified writer. While a movie about singing may not be in our wheelhouse – I personally hate movies about singing – this has a strong cast featuring our homeboy Chris Mintz-Plasse and the delightful Anna Kendrick, as well as Rebel Wilson, whose strange schtick is growing on me. Also, Brittany Snow and Alexis Knapp are very easy to look at. But ultimately, Pitch Perfect has Adam DeVine, and I am always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Release Date: Oct. 12
Starring: Kevin James, Salma Hayek, Henry Winkler, Joe Rogan, and probably assorted Happy Madison regulars
The Skinny: Kevin James plays a teacher who takes up MMA to win money to save his school. At the same time, we’re supposed to believe that Salma Hayek would sleep with him. Seriously, James has been paid to make out with Salma Hayek and Amber Valletta. How is that fair?
[The only FilmDrunk-recognized title for this film is Paul Blart Presents: Mixed Martial Farts -Vince.]
Release Date: Nov. 2
Starring: Alicia Silverstone, Sigourney Weaver, Krysten Ritter, Malcolm McDowell
The Skinny: From what I can tell, this Amy Heckerling reunion with Silverstone seems to be Clueless meets Witches of Eastwick meets Sex and the City meets the last dying breath of America’s current fascination with vampires. To be honest, I’m not even sure if this thing is making it to theaters. A little part of me just wants Heckerling to have another hit, because she used to make awesome movies.
Release Date: Nov. 9
Starring: Patton Oswalt, Johnny Knoxville, Rob Riggle, Patrice O’Neal, Maura Tierney
The Skinny: Here are the positives – Patton Oswalt, Rob Riggle, and (rest his soul) Patrice O’Neal. Also, Mo Tierney can still make my heart skip a beat. And even for a guy with limited appeal, I’ve always liked Knoxville. So if you tell me that they’re all in a comedy that is described as Meatballs meats the Boy Scouts, I should be really excited about this, right? Then why is my stomach going, “Duuuuuuuuude, let’s wait for a drunken DVD night on this one”? Please, just let this movie be great, so we can all talk about how Patrice went out on top (even though I’ll say he did no matter what).
Release Date: Nov. 21
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert DeNiro, and Chris Tucker
The Skinny: If it would help her career, I would let Jennifer Lawrence tell people that we’re sleeping together. I might even be willing to do the same for Brad Cooper. As for this tale of redemption or whatever, were DeNiro and Tucker cast ironically? Or did the producers owe them a favor? “Hey, we’ve got this project that everyone is buzzing about. How can we ruin it? I know, is Chris Tucker available?”
Release Date: Dec. 7
Starring: Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Dennis Quaid, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Judy Greer, and Uma Thurman
The Skinny: This cast is the result of a romantic comedy fantasy draft. If somebody pulled my unconscious body from the ocean and I woke up and had amnesia, and you read me those names, I’d say, “What rom-com is that?” As for the plot darts, they landed on a “former” “soccer player” is “down on his luck” but he “gets a new job” as a “soccer coach” and he learns a lesson about “life” from a “young boy” so he vows to “grow up” but it’s hard because “soccer moms” get in his way.
Release Date: Dec. 21
Starring: Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Megan Fox, Albert Brooks, and Melissa McCarthy
The Skinny: This is the sequel to Knocked Up that nobody even thought to ask for. But then again, with this cast, it sounds like it could be a home run. After all, there’s a huge difference between Judd Apatow the producer’s last few films and Judd Apatow the director’s last few films. I feel a big hit brewing in this one, and that’s not just because I’d like to be best friends with Paul Rudd.
Release Date: Dec. 25 (Babs on Christmas? Who says Jews don’t get presents!)
Starring: Barbara Streisand, Seth Rogen, Adam Scott, the smoking hot girl from Chuck, Chet Haze’s brother, and Danny Puti
The Skinny: All I know about this is that the synopsis says an inventor goes on the road with his mom to sell his latest invention, and that totally blows my mind, because if you told me that Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand were starring in a Christmas Day comedy called “Guilt Trip” and it’s not about a Jewish mom divorcing because Billy Crystal cheated on her with Carmen Electra, and moving in with her son and his fiancée, I would sh*t a menorah.
Release Date: Dec. 25
Starring: Billy Crystal (Oy vey, almost!), Bette Midler, Marisa Tomei’s cougar ass, and Tom Everett Scott in his first role that I’ve heard of in 12 years
The Skinny: Billy and Bette, which are perfect grandparent names, have to watch their grandkids, but apparently their grandkids suck. I don’t mean they’re bad kids, they’re just bad at being kids. So Billy and Bette teach them how to act like kids. And Mickey Rourke is standing by for when they’re ready to act like teens.
Release Date: Sept. 14
Starring: The director’s wife
The Skinny: Look, I enjoy these movies in a “It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep because Red Bull wasn’t meant to be mixed with hard liquor, oh sh*t look what’s on TBS!” kind of way. But what I’ve learned from the 17 Resident Evil films that have led up to Retribution is that the Umbrella Corporation is unstoppable and the whole world is ruined because there are zombies everywhere, and right behind them are mindless killing machines. Dude, Alice. It’s not worth the trouble. Just go live on an island and maybe don’t wear a shirt.
Release Date: Sept. 21
Starring: Karl “Mother F*cking” Urban, Lena Headey, and Olivia Thirlby
The Skinny: I thought that I was the only person on Earth that didn’t have the last name Urban that was excited for this remake of the atrocious abortion of a film that starred Sylvester Stallone. But this movie’s running at 91% from critics on Rotten Tomatoes right now. With that, if this movie is really enjoyable – doesn’t have to be great to be enjoyable – I’m going to start the “Karl Urban For Full Blown Action Star” campaign. Dude deserves it already.
[This movie is like a modern-day Verhoeven flick, where all the bad guys have scars and all the good guys wear helmets. It’s the sh*t. -Vince]
Release Date: Sept. 21
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anna Kendrick, and Michael Pena
The Skinny: This movie looks fantastic. But if I were a cop, and some gangster dude tells me that there’s a hit out on me, I’d probably just put in for a transfer. Or I’d go to my boss and tell him, “Hey, some dude named Big Evil wants to kill me, maybe someone should make him not kill me.” I think Human Resources handles that.
Release Date: Sept. 28
Starring: Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Emily Blunt
The Skinny: So the mob has complete control over time travel in the future and they send victims back in time for hitmen to dispose of them, because the future police won’t be able to find the bodies. Okay, cool concept for sure. But why wouldn’t the mob send hitmen back to kill Elliot Ness and J. Edgar Hoover? Why wouldn’t they go back and take out rivals so that they’d be even wealthier in that future mob life? Maybe I should be running a mob. Anybody wanna do some illegal sh*t?
Release Date: Oct. 5
Starring: Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen, and Maggie Grace
The Skinny: I originally called The Expendables 2 the most unnecessary but most awesome sequel of the year, but I’m pretty sure that honor will go to Taken 2, because when you watched The Expendables, you were like, “Well okay, I could watch these guys go f*ck people up some more.” But at the end of Taken, you were like, “That was cool, he f*cked a bunch of people up and now his family is fine. Sweet.” I definitely didn’t see any open doors for a sequel, but I’m most definitely not complaining.
Release Date: Oct. 12
Starring: Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Tom Waits, and Olga Kurylenko (who I would like to take for ice cream sometime)
The Skinny: This movie looks just plain awesome. I still barely even know what it’s about, but I already want to watch it twice. The cast is awesome, especially Sam Rockwell. That’s right, THE Sam Rockwell, who starred in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Release Date: Oct. 26
Starring: Radha Mitchell (who deserves better), Sean Bean, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Malcolm McDowell
The Skinny: I don’t play many video games, but I still saw the original in the theater just because. It was bad. I mean, it was BAD. No clue why they thought a sequel was necessary, especially 6 years later. Like, I’m not a big proponent of remakes by any means, but if you’re going to wait 6 years, take another crack at the first one. Nobody cares anyway.
Release Date: Nov. 2
Starring: Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu, and RZA
The Skinny: This movie is why the big screen was invented, my friends. Take someone you love.
Release Date: Nov. 9
Starring: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, and Judi Dench
The Skinny: Vince hates Bond films, but they’re just about my favorite thing in the world. I didn’t love Quantum of Solace, but I definitely don’t think it deserved the critical shitstorm that it received. I think Skyfall will more than make up for any shortcomings Quantum had. We almost didn’t get this film, so I hope they know that they owe us.
Release Date: Nov. 21
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, and Patrick Swayze’s rotating corpse
The Skinny: Just like any child of the 80s, I’m livid about this remake. But why am I surprised? Look at this comment from Rotten Tomatoes: “I’ll give it a go, even though I hated the original.” The original already came true and there are communists everywhere.
Release Date: Nov. 30
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren
The Skinny: When people complain about the Expendables movies, I always tell them they’re stupid, because those movies are awesome and they have no drawbacks. And all the while, I pray to myself that they don’t mention Universal Soldier 4, because this, my friends, is the drawback of The Expendables.
Release Date: Dec. 19
Starring: Joel Edgerton is the only name listed, so I hope he plays each of the SEALs like Tyler Perry
The Skinny: It’s the true story of the Navy SEAL mission that resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden. Or so we think, according to a video my grandmother sent me.
Release Date: Dec. 21
Starring: Tom Cruise, Robert Duvall, and Rosamund Pike
The Skinny: On one hand, Christopher McQuarrie is awesome, so aesthetically this will probably be an awesome movie. But fans of the Jack Reacher character are up in arms about Tom Cruise being cast, because the character is supposedly 6-5 and hulking while Cruise is 3 apples high and lives in a mushroom.
Release Date: Sept. 14
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams
The Skinny: It’s that movie about Scientology that isn’t really about Scientology, but it’s totally about Scientology, even though it has nothing to do with Scientology. *wink wink nudge nudge touch tips*
Release Date: Sept. 14
Starring: C-TATES! YA BOI! DA HARDEST TWERKIN’ PLAYBOY IN HOE BIZNA$$$TY! and others
The Skinny: Channing Tatum is the gold standard at the box office this year with three $100 million movies to his credit. Will 10 Years make it four? No. But this punk ass movie is getting great reviews, so it’s only going to make our boy stronger. Until he makes 11 Years and f*cks it all up.
Release Date: Sept. 21
Starring: Clint Eastwood, Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake, John Goodman, and Matthew Lillard (whose knees might be scratched from “auditioning”)
The Skinny: I like baseball movies and I like Clint Eastwood. Sign me up, you grizzled old kook.
Release Date: Oct. 12
Starring: Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston, Alan Arkin, and John Goodman
The Skinny: This movie is going to take Oscar out to dinner, get him nice and drunk, go back to his place and bang him and his roommate Golden Globe until the sun comes up, and one more time after they have a bowl of Apple Jacks in the morning.
Release Date: Oct. 19
Starring: Brad Pitt, Ray Liotta, and James Gandolfini
The Skinny: The last movie that I saw about a hitman that starred Brad Pitt and James Gandolfini was called The Mexican and it was one of the worst movies ever made by humans, and I’m not even sure that it was made by humans. That said, I think this will be better.
Release Date: Oct. 19
Starring: Tyler Perry, Matthew Fox, and my third cousin WHO NEVER CALLS, Edward Burns
The Skinny: Alex Cross is a detective or something and Matthew Fox kills people, and in the end Cross is like, “I knew it because I’m smart” and everyone will be like, “Awesome!” But probably not.
[THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ALEX CROSS CROSS IS PEOPLE TRYING TO CROSS ALEX CROSS! -Ed]
Release Date: Oct. 26
Starring: Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, and Hugo Weaving
The Skinny: People are really excited to see if the Wachowski siblings can re-capture their Matrix magic that they had before the other Matrix films were awful. Chet Haze, who works for everything he has and doesn’t get any benefits because of who his father is, Tweeted that he got to see a preview of the film with his dad and that it was awesome. And if Chet Haze says something is awesome, you better BELEE DAT.
Release Date: Nov. 2
Starring: Denzel Washington, an airplane
The Skinny: Denzel plays a drunk pilot who becomes a hero when he lands a plane safely. But it’s like my dad always says, a drunk man is still a better pilot than a sober woman.
Release Date: Nov. 2
Starring: Sean Penn, Judd Hirsch, and Frances McDormand
The Skinny: The story is that Sean Penn is a rock star who didn’t talk to his dad before he died, but he finds out that his dad was trying to fix something that had embarrassed him years ago, so Penn picks up where he left off to finish it. And I’m guessing that the embarrassment wasn’t that his son dressed like a woman. Your guess is as good as mine.
Release Date: Nov. 9
Starring: Daniel Day Lewis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sally Field, and Tommy Lee Jones
The Skinny: Just get ready to hear plenty of “And the Oscar goes to…” followed by everyone from this movie.
Release Date: Nov. 15
Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Ashley Greene
The Skinny: Not one of these Twilight Saga films rates better than 50% from critics on Rotten Tomatoes, but that’s probably because they’re just haters. Meanwhile, is there a website that is taking bets on whether or not Pattinson and Stewart get back together conveniently before this film comes out? Because I’ll put a shiny penny on that sweet action.
Release Date: Nov. 16
Starring: Keira Knightley and Jude Law
The Skinny: If my AP English education taught me anything, this is the story of a woman who does something and then gets a D for totally not reading anything. Hopefully, somebody related to Cliff shows up and explains it to you after you’re done watching it, because you know you fell asleep.
Release Date: Nov. 21 Nevermind, this masterpiece was moved to 2013.
Starring: George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Robert Downey, Jr.
The Skinny: Clooney and Sandy are stranded in space, which is a nightmare of mine unlike any other. It could only be worse if they were attacked by space spiders. But then, that would make the idea of watching two people floating through space for 2 hours… what’s the word? Oh yeah, exciting.
Release Date: Dec. 7
Starring: Bill Murray and Laura Linney
The Skinny: According to the plot synopsis, Franklin Delano Roosevelt was having an affair with his cousin, and people figure it out while the Queen is visiting. I assume she shouts, “Well, I never!” but she’s full of it, because you know the British royal family has more inbreeding than a Cyrus family reunion.
Release Date: Dec. 14
Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Andy Serkis, and Ian Holm
The Skinny: It’s the legendary story of what happened before Frodo and Samwise 69ed their way from the Shire to Mordor. This time, it’s Bilbo Baggins who heads out on the quest to steal jewelry from that bug-eyed little monster. I think his name is Steve Buscemi.
Release Date: Dec. 14
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, and Sacha Baron Cohen
The Skinny: Les Misérables is the story of Jean Valjean, a prisoner who escapes and spends his life on the run. Crowe plays the bounty hunter on his tail and then Katherine Heigl shows up because she’s a sassy single mom with a nose for crime. Again, I didn’t read anything in AP English.
Release Date: Dec. 25
Starring: Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz, Kurt Russell, Walton Goggins, and Samuel L. Jackson
The Skinny: If you’re not excited as all hell about this tale of a slave seeking revenge on the men who kidnapped his wife and sold her into a slave-fighting ring, then you need to check your pulse because you’re either dead or already in line for Anna Karenina.
Release Date: Sept. 21
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Shue
The Skinny: Some dude lives in – get ready for it – the house at the end of the street, and he seems normal, so Jennifer Lawrence is like, “Let’s hang out and play Tune In Tokyo”. But then something’s not right, because the dude’s parents died mysteriously, and then in the trailer you see him talking to people aren’t there, but somebody is there because Jennifer is all screaming and stuff. It looks scary.
Release Date: Oct. 5
Starring: Ethan Hawke, James Ransone, Vincent D’Onofrio, and Senator Fred Dalton Thompson
The Skinny: Ethan Hawke plays a crime novelist who finds some random home movies, so naturally he watches them, because what’s more exciting than a bunch of home movies of someone’s family that you’ve never met before? “Hey honey,” he yells. “Make some popcorn and let’s watch these people drive to Niagara Falls! Hey look, they brought grandma!” Oh, and the videos are apparently full of evil and they all go crazy and kill each other or something.
Release Date: Sept. 28
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and David Spade (Happy Madison, hooray!)
The Skinny: If it’s not bad enough that the Happy Madison crew is trying to infect your children’s brains, they’ve brought on Fran Drescher to be the voice of a character, too. I’m telling you, these people are just mocking us now. For all we know, Drescher’s character has a threeway with Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwait.
Release Date: Oct. 5
Starring: Winona Ryder, Martin Landau, and Martin Short
The Skinny: I saw the trailer for this a few weeks ago, and all I could think was that there’s no way in hell I’d take a child to see this. It looked terrifying for a child, and I know this because I have the mind of a 5-year old.
Release Date: Nov. 2
Starring: John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, and Ed O’Neill
The Skinny: I’m so excited about this movie about video game villains that I want to go out and make a bunch of babies just so I have kids to take to see it. Now, does anyone know how I can become an NBA player within the next few weeks? Oh, I need to move to Charlotte.
Release Date: Nov. 21
Starring: Chris Pine, Hugh Jackman, Alec Baldwin, Jude Law, and Isla Fisher
The Skinny: Apparently this is just like Wreck-It Ralph, except instead of a collaboration of video game villains, this is about a bunch of fairy tale heroes that team up to save the world. Still sounds pretty cool, but I think a funny joke would be to take your kid to see Anna Karenina and be like, “See? I told you movies suck. Now stop asking.”
