Senior Editor
10.10.08 26 Comments

Howdy, everyone, Nick Nolte here.

Hey, wanna hear a joke?  I once knew a blackjack dealer who I beat to death with a black jack.  Ha, that one always cracks me up.  But there’s a lot you may not know about me. Like how soaking my dentures in paint thinner gives my smile its healthy glow, or that when I was a kid I used to swindle the tooth fairy with my own kidney stones.

Anyway, it’s been a rough week for your Uncle Nort.  My house damn near burnt down, and despite what you read in the papers, that shark weren’t no virgin.  But hell, don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright.  To get my head straight, I spent the rest of the week ridin around on the custom Harley Jesse James built me that runs on fish guts, and fillin up my new waterbed with gravel. I should be back to normal in no time.  Anyhow, here’s what else was going on this week:

Random Task Accused of Gun Rape
Sounds like a despicable SOB, you ask me.  Only time I ever gun raped a woman was the time I had to shake down a fetus owed me money on a craps game.

Ryan Gosling as the Green Lantern?
I don’t know much about this cart-toon business, but the lady in the picture sure is pretty.

Spider-Man is the Most Expensive Broadway Musical Ever
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for live theater.  But I’ll tell ya what’s a lot cheaper’n Spiderman: a cockfight.  It’s got more action and less queers dancing around too.

David Zucker the Victim of a Ticket-Taker Conspiracy
I never trusted them shifty-eyed bastards at the movie counter.  Not since they made me buy an extra ticket for my pet boar, Errol.  Killed ‘im myself outside Albuquerque back in ’67.  Took out his insides and preserved him with turpentine and dead lizards.  Now he accompanies me to the occasional show.  He weren’t hurtin nobody.

Bond Girl has 12 Fingers
Don’t worry, honey, I once knew a whore in Tucson with a pegleg made out of a midget.  And I didn’t kick her out of bed, you catch my drift.

Bond Director Brings Back Naked Silhouettes
Oh, this’n brings back memories.  My third wife Gladys was a burlesque dancer.  Met her at a cockfight in Guadalajara.  You oughta seen her clean a deer. Brought tears to a man’s eyes.

Russell Crowe’s Hilarious Joke about Greek Chicks
That fat Aussie’s a man after my own heart.  Even so, a man can’t handle a woman with a little hair on her chest ain’t no man at all, ma always said.

M. Night Shyamalan’s Love Affair with M. Night Shyamalan Continues
This little injun’s mighty impressed with himself, ain’t he?  Give Uncle Nick some piano wire and five minutes alone, I’ll learn him some humility.

George Lucas is in “Idea Mode” for Indiana Jones 5
I dunno what the hell these pictures are all about, but I heard the kid was cryin about havin his poor little pinky amputated.  Look kid, having limbs amputated’s just part of growing up.  Hell, I wore down my teeth I’ve had to amputate so many limbs.  Also, I like the look a that colored girl in the picture.  Might be time to give the ol’ boots a spit shine and hit the town.

-Nolte, out.


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