Library copies of 50 Shades of Grey tested positive for the herpes virus

Belgian researchers decided to do toxicology tests on books checked out from the Antwerp library recently, presumably in the hopes of finally driving some poor germophobe to suicide. Of the 10 books tested, they found that all 10 contained traces of cocaine, this being, after all, the country that gave us Van Damme. They said the amount of coke found wasn’t enough to get you high, but might’ve been enough to make you fail a drug test. So, the worst of both worlds.

Meanwhile, Fifty Shades of Grey, EL James’ erotic Twilight fan-fiction best-seller, tested positive for the herpes virus. Aw, gross, you’re supposed to wash those fingers before you use them to turn the pages.

Two books, “Tango” by Pieter Aspe and “Fifty shades of Grey” by EL James showed traces of the herpes virus. Responsible for cold sores and is also transmitted through sexual contact.

However, Library Visitors are not at risk. The concentrations found are so low that they do not harm health. [DeRedactie, translated by Google]

Yeesh. Just imagine what they would’ve found on your mom’s Kindle. It just goes to show, borrowing a well-worn copy of mommy porn from the place where hobos go to masturbate might not be the most sanitary thing you’ve ever done.

Some things cannot be unresearched. If you need me, I’ll be having sex like this:

[banner pic via Getty]