Every once in a while, when Vince and I are scientifically selecting the perfect story for Florida Friday, a news item pops up that just brightens our entire day like one wild highway fire on the outskirts of Gainesville. We call it the “Flawless Florida Fable” – okay, neither of us calls it that, but it sounds right – and today we may have the most flawless Florida fable of them all.
A 49-year old man in Deltona – think the grundle between Orlando’s sac and Daytona’s b-hole – was arrested for stabbing his own brother earlier this week, after the two got into a heated dispute in their home. Randy Zipperer, which is like the most perfect old timey porn name, grabbed a steak knife and stabbed his 47-year old brother in the gut for the most Florida reason you will ever read…
Sheriff’s deputies say Zipperer was upset because he couldn’t find his macaroni and cheese, and when the victim tried to help him find it, he accidentally knocked over his brother’s open beer.
Deputies said Zipperer flew into a rage and stabbed his brother in the stomach with a steak knife. The injury was not serious. (Via WESH)
I mean, how do you even respond to that? How do you follow that up? A guy stabbed his own brother because he was enraged about not knowing where his mac and cheese was, and then pushed over the edge because his beer was spilled. And it gave us this mugshot:
F*ck it, I think I just need to go wander the Earth now and contemplate not only my existence, but everyone on this planet. Come and get us, alien gods, I think we’re finally ready for rapture.