Florida Friday: Armed Robber Penis Slaps Victim During Home Invasion

America’s dong was the scene of a brazen dong-slapping this week, after an armed robber slapped his victim with his penis during a home invasion in Miami. I must’ve missed that scene in Heat.

After forcing their way into a Brownsville house at gunpoint, one of the robbers proceeded to slap a helpless female victim in the face with his penis while demanding money.

The robbers remain at large.

According to the police report, the male owner of the house responded to knocks at his back door around 3 a.m. That’s when two young men burst into the house with handguns, masks, and gloves.

The robbers demanded money. When the owner said he didn’t have any, the burglars kicked in the door to his daughter-in-law’s room, where the 31-year-old woman was sleeping.

“The suspect placed the firearm to the [daughter-in-law]’s head and stated ‘Bitch, where is the money?'” according to the report. “Victim stated she didn’t have any money. Suspect then pulled down victim’s shirt and removed his penis from his pants and began hitting the victim in her face with his penis stating again ‘Bitch give me the money.'”

When the victim again replied “I don’t have no money,” the robbers instead stole two televisions and fled.

The woman later told police she believes the robbers had spotted her take out money from a bank earlier in the evening and had followed her home. [MiamiNewTimes]

I’m not going to make light of a sexual assault at gunpoint, so instead I’ll just ask: what kind of idiot robber thinks that a dick slapping is going to make someone talk when the threat of murder didn’t? To answer my own question, probably the same kind of idiot who’d invest in masks, guns, and gloves based on “Of course the bitch has money, I saw her at a bank!”

Have fun with that sexual assault charge to go with your armed robbery and kidnapping raps with gun enhancement, bud. Hope those TVs have a really clear picture!

Gif of Bugs sawing off America’s dong seems especially relevant this week.