Glenn Beck Hated ‘Noah,’ Which He Calls ‘Babylonian Chainsaw Massacre’

Senior Editor
03.25.14 81 Comments

As we’ve seen, Paramount has been bending over backwards to court the religious crowd, going so far as to add a disclaimer to all their marketing, lest ye think their version of the tale of a 900-year-old man who fit two of every animal on Earth into a boat was the “literal” one. Not only that, but after they heard Glenn Beck badmouthing it based on someone else’s review (because Glenn Beck is a responsible journalist), the VP of Paramount personally invited him to a screening.

So, how did the film play to a converted Mormon who cries a lot? Well, not good. Spoiler alert, I guess?

“The review made it sound like this was a godless climate change movie,” Beck said. “I believe that it is not a godless climate change movie. It’s more take ‘Sinbad the Sailor’ meets ‘The Shining’ and ‘Friday the 13th,’ with a sprinkle of ‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.’”

Beck said strongly: “If you are looking for a biblical movie, this is definitely not it … It’s not the story of Noah that I was hoping for. If you are going for that, you will be horribly disappointed.”

Among the specific scenes Beck took issue with, he referenced the “giant rock people” that sprung up to help Noah with his tasks.

“I felt really bad, because as the rock people storyline continued, we all got giggling fits and we started to laugh and mock the movie,” Beck said. “And at one point, [we] looked over and realized the executive vice president of Paramount, who invited us, was observing how we were reacting to it. And I’m like, ‘I don’t think we’re going to get out of here without telling him exactly how we feel, because I think he probably knows at this point.’ Literally laughing at the rock people.”

Rock people? Preposterous. A magic rock that Joseph Smith uses to translate the word of God that he isn’t allowed to show anyone else? TOTALLY BELIEVABLE SIGN ME UP RIGHT NOW.

But Beck said the biggest problem with the movie was “Noah himself.”

“I always thought of Noah as more of a nice, gentle guy, prophet of God … and less of the homicidal maniac that Paramount found in the Bible,” Beck said. “More of the man [that] loves God, and less of him trying to break down the doors inside the ark to kill his whole family.”

Beck said the movie could have aptly been named the “Babylonian Chainsaw Massacre,” based on how Noah was “running around, not kidding, trying to kill his whole family.” [From the Glenn Beck-owned TheBlaze]

Beck finished by saying “no prophet of God hates people,” calling the film a “$100 million disaster.” I bet he would’ve preferred Dinesh D’Souza’s version of Noah, where God flooded the Earth because it was full of Arab music and black families fighting over Monopoly.

Nonetheless, I take every word Glenn Beck says literally, so I’m very disappointed that this film is not a better representation of the Bible. What sad news. Why, I’m almost as disappointed as Russell Crowe was when he found out “corndogs” weren’t a real animal.

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