If you’re at all familiar with this site, chances are you’re seen at least one clip from Hard Ticket to Hawaii (and if not, you can see a bunch of them here, today). It was a film which featured the immortal words, “Hey, Colleen, you’ve got a great ass,” not to mention an intense game of frisbee ending in decaptitation, an exploding blow-up doll, an extremely large-breasted woman shooting a snake in the face, and “those guys must be smoking some heavy doobies.” It’s the Citizen Kane of bad B-movies, if Rosebud was a giant snake and Kane was a big-titted lady who shot it in the face. IN. THE. FAAAAAAAAAACE!
Simply put, I remember the 1987 Andy Sidaris classic (tagline: “This ain’t no hula!”) better than family members’ birthdays, and I haven’t even seen the whole thing. That’s because copies of the film were hard to come by, selling for as much as $90 on Amazon (trust me, I checked). That is, they were UNTIL NOW. It’s now available as part of the 12-disc, Andy Sidaris collection “Girls, Guns & G-Strings”, currently selling for… $5.99?!?!? My God, why didn’t I pursue an Amazon partnership? Thanks to “Hammock Rider”, we have this comprehensive and evocative review of all the films included:
THE DALLAS CONNECTION: I don’t know what the Connection is, I’m not really sure it’s even mentioned in the movie. But a team of gorgeous assassins is wiping out a group of scientists who possess some dangerous secret. Only one scientist remains and it’s up to Samantha Phillips and her fellow agents to save them. There are some wacky death scenes, and a nice “Basic Instinct” style beginning which features the leader of the murderous trio, Julie Strain.
DAY OF THE WARRIOR: The Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law (L.E.T.H.A.L.) is hunting an evil genius known as The Warrior. Warrior’s turn ons include diamond smuggling, porn and art theft [JUST LIKE ME! -Ed]. Best line in the movie is spoken by Julie Strain’s character Willow Black;”I worked at Disneyland. I was one of the rides.” Gerald Okamura plays a martial arts master named Fu. You will recognize him from Big Trouble in Little China, among many other roles.
DO OR DIE: This is the silliest movie in the Sidaris oeuvre. You’ve got Mr.Miyagi as an Asian criminal mastermind and Eric Estrada…period. Miyagi sends several teams of assassins after our fair ladies and R rated hijinx ensue. The colorful assassins remind me of the killers sent after Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther Strikes Again.
ENEMY GOLD: Now this is a great one! Evil assassins hassle our heroes whilst they’re looking for Quantrill’s Lost Civil War gold! There are historical flashbacks and characters named Jewel Panther and Becky Midnight. What’s not to like?
FIT TO KILL: There’s something going on here about a rare missing Russian diamond, but once you see Julie Strain working out on a balcony you’ll forget about things like “Plot”. For extra fun though there’s a cool helicopter battle.
GUNS: Is this a sexy feminist comedy or a feminist sex comedy? I dunno that’s too much thinkin’ for me. It’s also got Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, oil wrestling and hand grenades. Sounds like a great week in Vegas.HARD HUNTED: You can’t spell PLOT without a T and an A….well… Anyway we have another of Andy Sidaris’ version of Charlie’s Angels for Men. The girls need to track down a nuclear detonator or blah-ditty-blah-blah-blah.
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII: The evil Dr. Chang plans on destroying the economy of Hawaii and only super-agents Donna and Taryn and their pet mutant snake can stop him. This cultural and intellectual extravaganza features blow up dolls, razor tipped Frisbees and skate-boarding thugs.
MALIBU EXPRESS: This is sort of a down home Burt Reynolds type movie except it happens at the beach, and stars an 80’s porn star/surfer dude, Sybil Danning and a red Delorean.
PICASSO TRIGGER: A cool title but probably one of the least of Sidaris’ films. A bad guy tries to ice all the agents involved in his brother’s death.
SAVAGE BEACH: Smoking hot Agents Donna and Taryn wander around a humid jungle in tiny tops looking for lost treasure. They run into an old Japanese soldier who still thinks WW2 is going on and a bunch of baddies also looking for the treasure. Plenty of action but for me not quite enough humor.
RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH: The Ladies of LETHAL try to recover a lost treasure before a hoard of bad guys can snag it. This one has plenty of skimpy outfits, hot actresses, bad dialogue and explosions but it’s not as wacky or fun as many of Sidaris’ earlier films.
And now, all this can be yours for less than $10. My God, what a wonderful time to be alive. This is better than when the Berlin Wall came down. (*cranks up “Right Here, Right Now”, shoots snake in the face*)
[click on for more awesome clips from Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Thanks to @Colmnator for the tip.]
“Hey, Colleen. You’ve got a great ass.”
Snake Death
The Best 10 Minutes of Hard Ticket to Hawaii