If there’s one thing in the world that annoys the ever-loving piss out of me, it’s Will Smith and his dumb wiener kids. Someone sent me this new Jaden Smith music video in the hopes of making me sad, it worked, and the only thing that’s going to make me feel better is to drag you all down into my misery. So here it is, “The Coolest,” featuring Jaden Smith rapping about “I’m the leader of the leaders on the leaderboards,” and “I been sippin on some soda and I’m chillin’ with a hottie and she’s really into yoga…” like a regular swaggy adult. Sample verse:
“So just listen while I’m spittin’ it’s the realest that you gettin’ a dese writtens if you messin’ with these stupid kids…”
Now, I’m sure there are going to be plenty of you out there who’ll say “Aw, I thought it was kinda good!” Or “leave the Smith kids alone, they’re espousing such a positive message for the kids!” And to you people I say please, shut up. Stop encouraging this, you’re ruining society. How well he can or can’t rhyme is irrelevant. I don’t want to hear about some rich 12-year-old’s “swag,” okay? Swag is for the poor and downtrodden. It’s a way for society’s forgotten to say “I’m still here and I’m kicking ass” in the face of adversity. It’s not for some rich kid to shout while he’s bragging about the lavish lifestyle that comes with being a coddled little fame prince. When you’re born rich and famous, it’s not called “swag,” it’s called being an assh*le. When you clearly didn’t earn it, at least do people the courtesy of not going on and on about how good your cake tastes, would you? It’s not class war, it’s common sense. And if you’re that kid’s parents, spoil him all you want, but it’s your godd*mned job to tell him to shut the f*ck up and read a book and stop bragging about his fancy shoes because he saw a poor kid do it.
Atlas puked.