Senior Editor
10.15.09 22 Comments

OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!  (*chugs Monster energy drink, crushes can on forehead*)

The latest character to go 3D? Jesus Christ.
Grizzly Adams Prods. is doing a 3D remaster of “The Fabric of Life,” a docudrama that examines physical evidence of Jesus’ resurrection. European theatrical release of the film is timed to coincide with the first public viewing in more than a decade of the Shroud of Turin, believed by millions of Christians to be the burial cloth of Jesus. The shroud’s bloodstained surface is emblazoned with a negative image of the undistorted front and back sides of a man who appears to have been severely beaten and crucified.

Using laser technology, a team of Dutch scientists was able to convert two-dimensional photographic negatives of the image on the shroud into an anatomically accurate hologram of the crucified man. The image will be able to be viewed in 3D in the new version of “Fabric,” which is targeted for release in April.

Oh my God, Bro, did you see Jesus’ dong??  It was like an inch from my face!  If only Jesus had been crucified in 2009, he wouldn’t have even needed to rise from the dead.  Because we have 3D LASER TECHNOLOGY.  In the words of my new favorite catchphrase, “Jesus is not dead, are you gay?”

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