Jon Voight Drunkenly Stumbles Into Israel/Palestine/Javier Bardem Debate

So early last week, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz wrote an open letter to Israel, charging among other things that Israel was fighting a “war of extermination” and alleging genocide. I don’t know if you know this or not, but “genocide?” Kind of a trigger word. The backlash led Bardem to publicly soften his statements, which apparently wasn’t enough for… (*theme music*) JON VOIGHT, father of Angelina Jolie, star of the upcoming Baby Geniuses and the Space Baby, and A #1 defender of Israel.

Voight penned an open letter of his own in The Hollywood Reporter:

My name is Jon Voight and I am more than angry, I am heartsick that people like Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem could incite anti-Semitism all over the world and are oblivious to the damage they have caused.

They are obviously ignorant of the whole story of Israel’s birth, when in 1948 the Jewish people were offered by the UN a portion of the land originally set aside for them in 1921, and the Arab Palestinians were offered the other half. The Arabs rejected the offer, and the Jews accepted, only to be attacked by five surrounding Arab countries committed to driving them into the sea. But the Israelis won. The Arabs tried it again in 1967, and again in 1973, launching a sneak attack on the holiest Jewish holiday. Each time the Jews prevailed but not without great loss of life. And when Israel was not fighting a major war, it was defending itself against terrorist campaigns.

This history lesson is cool and all, but could you go back to “my name is Jon Voight?” I want to know about the email campaign that led to this open letter. Was there any negotiation? Were there offers and counter offers? Did you have to beat out any other Hollywood People Who Know The Story Of Israel? I need more.

After years of trying to make peace, the wars they had to fight, being attacked by their enemies, and still being attacked, and finally after years of running into bomb shelters and having hundreds of civilians killed by suicide bombers, civilians being killed in their sleep, stabbed to pieces, finding enough is enough and finally retaliating, instead of my peers sticking up for the only democratic country in that region, they go and take out poison letters against them.

They “take out poison letters against them?” That sounds more grammatically awkward than the Google Translated version of the original Bardem letter.

I am asking all my peers who signed that poison letter against Israel to examine their motives. Can you take back the fire of anti-Semitism that is raging all over the world now?

You have been able to become famous and have all your monetary gains because you are in a democratic country: America. Do you think you would have been able to accomplish this in Iran, Syria, Lebanon, et cetera? You had a great responsibility to use your celebrity for good. Instead, you have defamed the only democratic country of goodwill in the Middle East: Israel.

You should hang your heads in shame. You should all come forth with deep regrets for what you did, and ask forgiveness from the suffering people in Israel.

The Israel-Palestine conflict does present a tough question for Hollywood. We can all agree that standing up for oppressed peoples is the right thing to do, but there’s a bit of a disagreement about which people are more oppressed. Good thing we had Jon Voight here to solve it for us. Time to go home, everyone! Jon Voight solved the middle east.