Kellan Lutz’s ‘Super Twink Hercules’ Is Pitching A Full Bucky Larson

The Legend of Hercules, starring Twilight’s Kellan “You Wanna See My Shit?” Lutz, held its press screening the night before release, which is usually a good sign that the studio is trying to hide it from critics, without declining to screen it altogether (and thereby making that the story). So far it looks like they were right to. After 29 reviews, it seems not a single critic has responded positively to the historically accurate portrayal of the mythic Greek soldier as a super jacked hairless blonde Twilight twink who beats people up with MMA moves. Jesus was white, Pocahontas was hot, Hercules had no chest hair, I BELIEVE WHAT I WANT TO BELIEVE, OKAY?!?

“The best way to describe ‘The Legend of Hercules’ is as the fake movie that teenagers in movies go to see.” -Jordan Hoffman, Screencrush

“’s hard to imagine anything being worse than this week’s repellant 3D wasteland The Legend of Hercules, a movie so ugly and woeful that you’ll wish you had superhuman strength to pluck your own eyeballs out of your head.” -Drew Taylor, ThePlaylist

“I am now staking my claim that despite the fact that I have seen no other 2014 movies, none of them will be worse than this.” -Matthew Razak, Flixist

Sounds great! So, any bets on who the first positive review is going to be? Rex Reed? Pete Hammond?

Some of the last few movies to pull 0% include Grown Ups 2, Gerard Butler’s Playing for Keeps, A Good Day to Die Hard, and Eddie Murphy’s A Thousand Words, of which only A Thousand Words managed to maintain its full Bucky Larson until the present day. I will keep you updated.

Well, at least everyone speaks with a British accent. Am I wrong for thinking it looks kind of good? “Hercules! You are the son of ZYOOS!”

I’m going to be saying that all weekend.