Last Week’s Hot Links, With Laremy: ‘Ted 2,’ Sex Clubs, A Man That’s An Ant, And The Twitter!

Note: Hi, I’m Laremy, welcome to my old column. Rhetorical question: What will this column be? A collection of links you can read, along with really solid commentary. Most will be movie-related, but some will just be good ol’ frisky fun, because we can’t read about movies all the time. Now, I’m not saying this column will change the world, but it will definitely rock it to its core. Let’s get in there!

‘Jurassic’ Holds Off Challengers – From Box Office Mojo

The box office has spoken, dinosaurs rule and little bears and children drool!

Best quote from the article:

“With $32.9 million in 3,442 theaters Ted 2, however, didn’t really make a run at the spot, making less than even the most pessimistic pundits had placed it.”

I know why this happened. It was because Ted 2 sucked on rails. It had these odd musical asides that were more “Family Guy” than the original Ted. The opening credits were brutal. The plot was both nonsensical and totally unhelpful to the comedy. Much as when the Jim Beam guys need inspiration, Mila Kunis was missed. And finally, they left soooo many potential jokes on the floor. It was as if this was supposed to be a more serious pivot into “acting” for Ted the bear. Really odd.

Early ‘Ant-Man’ Twitter Reactions Mention “Huge” End-Credits Scenes – From Rope of Silicon

So wait, this is a film about a man, that’s actually an ant? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff.

Best quote from the article:

“However they manage to do it, I feel confident that this is where we’ll see Spider-Man for the first time.”

I feel confident I’ll walk right the effff outta that theater before I subject myself to an end-credits scene. Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?

I Wore Pasties at EDC and It Wasn’t That Bad – From L.A. Weekly

The harrowing tale of a female with pasties on her nipples at EDC.

Best quote from the article:

“People constantly approached me, occasionally offering me puffs of joints or sharing what they believed were clever quips (‘I want to smoke your nipples,’ for example).”

For context, that happened because she wore marijuana leaf stickers on dem titaaaays. Honestly, I don’t think she should have belittled that quip, that’s pretty solid. A terrible quip would have been, “girl, you better check that genetic code, because I’m pretty sure your nipples are too high!”

The Mystery of the Female Orgasm – From the BBC

This article is legit great. How orgasms block out pain, another theory on the G-spot, it’s got it all. A bevy of helpful tips, gents! Educate yourselves!

Best quote from the article:

“Perhaps the scientists’ greatest skill is in persuading women to sweep aside their inhibitions, and masturbate – or even copulate – under the full glare of scientific research, including the uncomfortable environment of the fMRI scanner.”

Perhaps??! No, that is definitely their greatest skill. Vince, let’s get one of those scanners, eh bud? What’s the UpROXXXXX discretionary budget looking like these days? Or does it all go toward your “sores”?

Mark Wahlberg Leonardo DiCaprio
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The Mark Wahlberg Playbook Is The Oldest One In Hollywood – BuzzFeed

A rundown of what makes Mark into Mark. Not to quibble, but I’m pretty sure the oldest playbook in Hollywood is the one where you make an overtly racist movie and then cover it up over the following decades.

Best quote from the article:

“He’s a dad with a minivan who drives his kids to school — he just periodically wakes up at 4:30 in the morning to pack on muscle beforehand.”

See, he’s just like us! But really, I’d have someone else drop off the kids while I packed on muscle.

ISCHGL, AUSTRIA - MAY 02: Jared Leto talks to the media at the press conference of the Top of the Mountain concert on May 2, 2015 in Ischgl, Austria. (Photo by Jan Hetfleisch/Getty Images)
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Jared Leto Sent His ‘Suicide Squad’ Co-Stars A Live Rat And Bullets Because METHOD ACTING – From Filmdrunk

Vincent correctly points out that you only get away with this nonsense if you win an award. Before that, you’re just like the guy on the ultimate Frisbee team who is taking role and sending passive aggressive emails to the people who couldn’t make it to the “optional practice sessions.” GUYS THIS LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP ISN’T GOING TO WIN ITSELF.

Best quote from the article:

“He sent us a dead pig and a video where he acted like the Joker, and we were like, whoa, this guy is actually a cartoon character.”

Whoa, what does that mean? Like a bacon burger? Or a full-blown ready for the spit roast friggin’ PIG? Either way, it’s disconcerting. That would piss me off.

Inside Paris’s Kinkiest Sex Club – From the Daily Beast

Leave it to the Daily Beast to bring us something on the beasts of the night! (high-fives self)

Best quote from the article:

A young Asian woman, however, owned the room — her ecstatic squeaking was so strident that when she finally came, the room took a collective sigh of relief.

Ugh, these Asians, what with the driving and the squeaky sex.

Complaining on Twitter can result in good customer service—if you do it right – From Quartz

I think you have to have a bunch of Twitter followers to truly get some love. I’ve got like 5,800 and get ignored like a jerk plenty.

Best quote from the article:

“They’re quick to express empathy — letting you know you’ve been heard — and then move to a resolution.”

For sure! Why, just look at this interaction with American Airlines:

Update: They never responded to actually help. I spent five hours in line before just eventually booking on Virgin America (Slogan: “We actually care!”). Follow-up emails to American Airlines were ignored. All in all, a pretty great customer experience. Take a bow fellas!

Is The Octobass The World’s Rarest Classical Music Instrument? – From Red Bull Music Academy

This is a story about one hell of a large Bass. An OCTOBass if you will.

Best quote from the article:

“The latest is formidable, standing 3.85 meters tall (or more than 12.5 feet) and outfitted with custom strings made from the guts of 200 sheep.”

Bad day to be a sheep when the OCTOBass-man comes to town.

Inside the Making of Dr. Strangelove – From Kottke

Peoples, remember when satire was a thing? Before everyone was all sensitive?

Best quote from the article:
It’s a video. Sorry.

The fact that my man recorded them doing wacky takes as “practice” and then used those as the real movie needs to happen more often. As far as I’m concerned, the idea of directors taking advantage of actors has been one of the greatest losses of our generation.

On going to shows alone as a girl, and why it sucks – From Alt Press

But really, going to shows in general sucks. I mean, everyone is recording them with their iPads like dingbats. Yeah, girls have issues with getting groped, but when I go to a George Michael concert (Wouldn’t it be nice … if I could touch yo body … I know not everybooody … has gotta a body like youuuuu”) I have the same issues. Goes both ways (h/t @PFTCommenter).

Best quote from the article:

“When I’m going to a show with another girl, there’s usually a text exchange that will be some version of: “Real pants or no?”

Is the other option bottomless? Jorts? Lululemon? Sounds like a much better experience than The Gathering.

Inside the Sony Hack – From Fortune

Basically this is a story of rampant incompetence. The Sony Hack was perpetrated by solid folks, but the security situation was pretty poor before that (to say the alliterative least).

Best quote from the article:

“Part 1: Who was manning the ramparts at Sony Pictures?”

Probably no one, because no one “mans ramparts” anymore. Before this river becomes an ocean we should stop using stupid old-skool words in articles. Except for “methinks.” That one is great.

How The Makers Of Mr. Robot Cracked The Code Of A Realistic Hacker Drama – From Fast Company

Speaking of, Mr. Robot, on the USA Network, is the latest in a long line of shows attempting to humanize hackers. But ever since Hackers with Angelina Jolie, this has proved difficult. I mean, what are you going to do, have them type for an hour?

Best quote from the article:

But viewers aren’t just eyeballing code while watching Mr. Robot. There is plenty of action, too.

Oh. Well then thank God for that. Anyone watch this? Should I watch this? I’m accepting advice on this and the bottomless concert thing.

Apple’s deep pockets pose threat to Spotify in music battle – From the Financial Times

The music industry is in flux as everyone scurries around to please Taylor Swift.

Best quote from the article:

“The main existential threat to Spotify is that a small number of execs in the music industry make the wrong decisions and end up killing the company,” he says.

I would never bet against music executives destroying their own business, that’s what they do, but the one huge advantage Spotify has is its user interface. The Apple product is horrid. The Spotify product is clean and shiny. So that will have to change if Apple wants to make any inroads at all. Paying artists more to go to a platform non-iPhone people won’t use isn’t too compelling of a story.

That’s all I’ve got for now, you stay pleasant!

Laremy is on Twitter and hates scrubs.