There are many reasons not to watch Randy and Evi Quaid’s recently-uploaded sex tape, perhaps the most obvious being that it depicts a 64-year-old man and his 52-year-old wife having sex. You’re also probably worried about getting fired, and about the moral implications of gawking at the mentally ill. Lucky for you, I have none of those moral hangups nor employer oversight to speak of. And my past work experience editing some of the world’s unsexiest porn has given me the stomach of an astronaut.
Which is to say, I will watch this awful sex tape. I will watch this awful sex tape and describe it for you. You’re welcome, America.
00:00 It’s starting. There’s a picture of Rupert Murdoch’s grinning, cutout head on the wall along with some DANGER caution tape. Evi’s sitting on an IKEA-style sleigh bed with a red flannel bed spread that looks like a trucker’s shirt. On the walls, wood paneling. It’s a very small room, apparently windowless. Evi is staring into the camera wearing Sgt. Slaughter sunglasses. She’s wearing that same weird bikini with all the confusing, seemingly extraneous straps. There’s a picture of these two on the wall of the room they’re in (meta!) and Evi seems to be wearing this bikini in that one too. I’m not sure she has any other clothes.
00:15 She’s sitting on the bed, legs parted to an excessive degree. I will say, Evi’s body does look pretty great for 50-something. She’s probably avoiding the Lithium to keep her figure.
00:27 Our first glimpse of Randy. He’s wearing a duck hunter-style hat with his wild hair sticking out the sides, hobo-style. He has on some kind of Tommy Bahama shirt covering his huge gut. He also has on sunglasses. Both of them in sunglasses inside a dark, windowless room. No way these two can see each other, which may be for the best.
00:48 Video feed is switching between the webcam and Randy’s hand-held GoPro on the end of a selfie stick. Evi is aiming her crotch at the camera. This looks like it’s about to get gynecological.
00:53 Randy takes Evi’s boots off. This must’ve been physically taxing because he’s now panting heavily.
01:03 POV shot of Randy removing Evi’s bikini bottoms accompanied by the sound of a dog barking. LOUDLY. In fact, it’s hard to react to the now-exposed vagina with the dog barking like this.
01:13 She keeps the knee-high leather boots on.
1:43 Randy performing cunnilingus, with camo hat and sunglasses on. Sometimes the sound cuts to the GoPro he’s holding, and the muffled lapping is actually much worse than the video. Dog still barking.
1:54 Did I say lapping? It’s more like snuffling. Snuffling. That is how I would describe this sound, like a pig searching for truffles.
2:15 She takes off his hat and puts it on. Awwww. Say what you will about these crazy f*cks, they are kind of cute together.
3:00 Randy now nose deep in pubic hair. With his glasses still on it sort of looks like he’s trying to see into her womb. Like how you’d hold a cup up to the door to eavesdrop.
3:15 The dog, my God, the dog. It has not even taken a goddamned breath this whole time. Jesus Christ, can’t you put that thing in another room? Haha, just kidding, no way there’s another room.
4:11 They’ve switched to a truly unflattering angle now, where the space between the top of Evi’s pubes and her belly button takes up 80 percent of the frame. I’d call it a “gunt,” but in fairness she’s a little too fit to call it a gut.
4:35. Randy has adopted a side-to-side motorboating motion now. Still snuffling like a truffle pig. JESUS CHRIST SHUT THAT F*CKING DOG UP! How are they ignoring this? I couldn’t do a crossword with that going on, let alone try to achieve orgasm.
5:35 This dog is a nightmare. Its bark has a needy desperation to it, like it hasn’t been played with in six years.
6:28 Evi starting to writhe now. Dog still hasn’t taken a breath.
7:00 Now Evi’s holding onto the sleigh bed for leverage.
7:20 Evi holding the camera now. In this reverse POV we can see that the computer is a big desktop iMac, which is little incongruous to have inside what looks like Travis Bickle’s bomb shelter.
7:50 The dog is finally losing steam. And Evi’s writhing less. Maybe her arousal is somehow tied to the obnoxiousness of the dog.
8:20 Okay the dog is back. Those four seconds it wasn’t yowping maniacally really had me worried.
8:59 Evi is moaning now, a little unconvingly. And the dog has now jumped onto the bed (!!) and is barking three feet from Evi’s face like she’s a raccoon.
9:50 Evi moaning like crazy now, I think she’s climaxing.
10:11 Evi: “That was so good.” Randy: (weird relieved sighing sound)
10:20 She’s just hanging on the bed with her pants off, Randy sitting at his computer desk with his hands on his fat gut.
10:30 They’re talking but you can’t hear it and the sound is out of sync. Sound must be from a different camera.
11:15 Still sitting in the computer chair, Evi has now taken off Randy’s belt. She puts the belt buckle up to the webcam to show us that it says “Brokeback Mountain, 2004 Calgary” on it. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be impressive that he was in an Oscar-winning movie or sad that he’s still wearing his free movie swag.
11:48 She started blowing him, and then it switched back to a different camera angle from 15 seconds earlier so we get to watch the whole thing over again. On the plus side, at least now I don’t have to imagine a guy in a control room somewhere running a switchboard for all of this.
13:11 Still another camera angle, all the way back to before she was blowing him again. Jeez, this has more camera angles than the death scene in The Fury.
14:40 There’s like a minute and a half of Evi just standing there putting a GoPro up to her vagina.
15:04 Evi is blowing Randy now, but you can’t really see much, just her head bobbing up and down. She’s keeping a methodical, trance-like pace. Seems like she could throw some variation in there, maybe paint the fence or mind the twins, but there’s also something to be said for keeping a consistent speed.
15:53 We’ve now switched to Randy’s GoPro angle where you can see the shaft of his dick. Lovely. We can see she’s utilizing a sort of suck-and-whack technique, which I’ve seen Cosmo recommend for ladies with a gag reflex. Honestly, deep throating is overrated if you ask me.
16:26 And now “Star Whackers” has started playing. I can’t tell if it’s diagetic or non, but given the quality of editing at play thus far I’m going to guess that the sound we hear is actually playing in the room. Evi is now sitting on Randy’s lap while jerking him off, by the way. She seems to be preparing for insertion. Can’t tell if he’s hard.
16:52 Now he’s inside her and she’s moaning (really hamming it up, if you ask me). Her moans trigger a new round of hysterical arfing from the dog.
17:09 She’s rolling her eyes back in her head and cooing. Give it a rest, lady, he just got it in and you two aren’t even moving.
17:48 Evi’s blowing him again. Can’t tell if they gave up on the sex or if this was before that on a different camera. Randy is shouting. Loudly, comically, almost. Oh yeah! Oh f*ck! Ahh! Yahh! Yeah! Oh sh*t! Oh please. These Hollywood phonies wouldn’t know a genuine emotion if it burst in the door with another GoPro.
18:31 Evi blowing Randy from yet another angle. In this one you can see a desk fan in the background, along with an unhung, framed painting of a swordfish. “Randy and Evi Quaid star in ‘Whoreders.'”
19:11 Evi mutters something about “f*cking in front of Rupert.” I can’t tell if she means the picture of Rupert Murdoch on the wall, if the dog’s name is Rupert, or both. All three scenarios are equally plausible.
19:25 “Oh yeah, that was good,” Randy says. “That was the best blowjob I think I’ve ever had.” No way that can be true. Sweet of him to say though.
19:45 Now they’re talking about auto-erotic asphyxiation. “And they claim this is how David died?” Get it? This gross sex movie had a political message.
20:48 You can really see Evi’s armpit hair in this shot.
21:30 Sound completely out of whack now. Dog still barking.
21:48 I believe Randy says “Koji, come on.” I assume Koji is the dog. HOW DID IT TAKE YOU 22 MINUTES TO NOTICE THE BLOOD-CURDLING F*CKING DOG?? I can’t take anyone’s conspiracy theories seriously if they’re this deaf to barking dogs.
22:48 This is incredibly boring, but they do look like they have fun together.
24:03 Evi: “David called me before he died. Did I ever tell you this? And he told me that he wanted you to go to Thailand with him. To meet with some investors. And I said why? He said it’s a travel show for the fans. We’ll go out dancing we’ll do all this stuff. And I said David you’re an actor, you shouldn’t be doing this. So, whoever that group of people was, they wanted you dead too.”
Aaaand that was the money shot, people. I hope the plan wasn’t to put out this tape of 25 minutes of bad sex and worse dog parenting, all in order to deliver this insidery message about David Carridine and the Star Whackers conspiracy. That would require someone watch 25 minutes of this terrible video AND have prior familiarity with David Carridine and the Star Whackers enough to know what they were even talking about. If there’s anyone inside that Venn diagram besides me, take a look at your life, man. You need help worse than the Quaids.