08.14.09 9 years ago 12 Comments

It was announced earlier this week that Sylvester Stallone would be presented with Jager Bombs the Jaeger-LeCoultre award at next month’s Venice Film Festival. The award, of course, recognizes Sly’s ability to spill words like baby food out the left side of his face.

“Through all of his movies — even the ones he has not directed or are considered ‘less important’ — Stallone has shaped his own character with much care, and reflected upon it, giving us an iconic exploration among the most coherent and lucid of contemporary America cinema,” fest organizers said in a statement. [Variety]

Ah yes, the “shaping” of his characters, as if they were Dreyfuss’ Devils Tower built of mashed potatoes. I often like to imagine Stallone sitting on the toilet, pinching a ripe, HGH loaf, as he read the script to Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, mumbling to himself incoherently about his own relationship with his mother (you know that she helped pioneer “rumpology” in the Americas, didn’t you?).

All joking aside, I feel Stallone earned this one. His catalog of films span decades and for the most part they’re all fun to watch. I mean, the guy taught us that beating your meat can turn you into a prized fighter, for Christ sake. Included in the Venice festivities, clips from Stallone’s “The Expendables” (slated for an April 2010 release) will also be sneak previewed. Now I’m not Italian, but I did once finger bang a chick at a Pizza Hut in Venice, Florida, so I’m pretty you can take my word for it when I say that this ceremony sounds like “the tits”.


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