Michael Bay’s Custom-Made ‘Bayhem’ Camera Is ‘F*ck You Green’ And He Uses It To ‘Sell Panties’

RED Digital makes state-of-the-art digital video cameras, including, most recently, a custom 8K “Bayhem” model that Michael Bay used to shoot Transformers: The Last Knight (the parts that weren’t created by 100 animators on their computers, anyway). Bay recently plugged the camera on his Instagram (read: almost certainly got paid to put this RED commercial on his Instagram), and the great thing about Michael Bay is that he sells his own persona better than probably any filmmaker outside of Werner Herzog.

Even for the guy who famously said “I don’t change my style for anybody. Pussies do that,” this commercial is a masterpiece of knowing your own #brand. I have transcribed its full text for posterity:

“You know what this is? This camera? It’s called a Bayhem. It’s the only one in the world. RED made it for me. They asked me what color should I paint it, black, red, whatever — I said listen guys, you’re doing it for advertising purposes? Why don’t we just paint it f*ck you green. So this is Nike green. The reason why it’s Nike green is because it’s a very nimble 8K, perfectly ergonomically balanced, the way I like this with the handles. Alright?

“It does have its own little megatron medallion on it. And here we are selling panties with it.”

“Nike green?” I enjoy that Michael Bay is getting paid to promote a camera and the first thing he says is “Make sure it’s Nike green. To reflect its agility. Because when I think ‘agility,’ I think of a powerful brand like Nike.”

This man has managed to squeeze product placement into his own product placement. Michael Bay is skiing around the snow level of his own productception, wearing Under Armour gear to wick sweat and keep out the cold, shushing around on Rossignol skis with custom JA Henckel-sharpened edges on snow made of flash frozen Ciroc vodka on a custom dream mountain designed by Red Bull and Ambien. Michael Bay is the greatest commercial director who ever lived.

Anyway, about that camera:

Bay’s Bayhem camera features custom RED features an 8K Super 35mm 3.65 micron sensor known by the moniker “Helium.” It’s smaller than the 8K VistaVision, able to squeeze 8K into a smaller Super 35mm chip which necessitates new smaller, denser, pixels. This is one of the cameras that Michael Bay is using to shoot Transformers: the Last Knight. [SlashFilm]

That sounds like a very impressive camera. I like to imagine Michael Bay showing off the dailies for one of these Victoria’s Secret shoots. “Check out this definition, bro. You can practically smell the panties.”

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.