Michael Bay’s Angry Birds might be funny if it weren’t true

Here’s the trailer for “Michael Bay’s Angry Birds” that’s been going around for the last two days.  It already has more than two million views, because haha, wouldn’t it be great if Hollywood did something that stupid???  That’s just like them!  NO.  SHUT UP.  It’s not funny to do a parody of a pointless adaptation anymore, because no matter how stupid of a non-movie thing adaptation you dream up, it’s all but GUARANTEED that something TWICE AS STUPID is already ACTUALLY IN DEVELOPMENT.  For one thing, execs at Rovio, the makers of Angry Birds, were already meeting with Hollywood execs about a movie adaptation back in August.  So your facetious idea for an Angry Birds movie?  Yeah, it’s already being discussed.  Now shut up, you’re just encouraging them.

Further proving my point, the Hollywood Reporter today reports that the Candyland movie (!!!!) has picked up both a director, Kevin Lima of Enchanted, and writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Burger of Kung Fu Panda.  I’m going to post a block quote now. I hope the stupid isn’t contagious.

The board game, which was set up at Universal when it made its six-year deal with Hasbro in 2008, has a story centered around finding the lost king of Candy Land. The players wind their way through enchanted lands such as Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain, see characters such as Princess Frostine and Gramma Nutt as well as the evil Lord Licorice who can make players lose a turn.

I hope Nic Cage plays the mysterious King of Candyland. They say he’s gone native. They eventually find him, sitting on a throne made of lolly skulls, surrounded by Gingerbread Peoples’ corpses hanging from trees like Candy Canes, wearing a rock candy helmet over his enormous skull.  “You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.”  Then C-Tates will do a pop and lock number intercut with a cow being slaughtered, it rains skittles, and everyone blows their brains out.