I wouldn’t necessarily recommend watching the Oscars to anyone, but if you’re going to, it should definitely be while drinking. I’m not trying to promote alcoholism, that’s just the only way to handle all the pageantry. Chris Rock hosts this year, meaning we can expect a monologue that’s actually funny, and possibly some jokes that cut a little too close to home for the audience. Wouldn’t that be great? Last time Chris Rock hosted, in 2005, he told a joke about Jude Law that Sean Penn felt the need to criticize, onstage, during the ceremony. And this year, we have #OscarsSoWhite and Sean Penn interviewing El Chapo. I take it back, this year might actually be fun. Sadly, Sean Penn will not be presenting this year, which may or may not have something to do with that green card joke from last year. Anyway, enough about Sean Penn, it’s time to ruin some lives.
Red Carpet Start Time: 7pm Eastern Time|4pm Pacific Time
Ceremony Start Time: 8:30pm Eastern Time|5:30pm Pacific Time
Network: ABC
Your Official 2016 Oscars Drinking Game
For our purposes, one drink will be counted as a rough measurement of one swallow for beer/wine/cocktails, or one sip if you’re drinking liquor.
Topical Jokes
A. ONE DRINK
A mention of bison livers, natural light, or how hard it was to make The Revenant. Take one drink.
Chris Rock jokes about being the only black person invited, any jokes about Spike Lee and the Smiths (Will and Jada) not being there, One drink.
B. FINISH YOUR DRINK
A joke about Sean Penn and El Chapo? Finish your drink.
Any joke that cuts a little too close and there’s a shot of someone in the audience conspicuously not laughing, finish your drink.
Leonardo DiCaprio
A. ONE DRINK
Joke about Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning that Oscar? One drink.
B. FINISH YOUR DRINK
“Raped by a bear” – Finish your drink.
C. WATERFALL
When Leonardo DiCaprio actually wins that Oscar? Waterfall. Most handsome player in the room starts*, drink until the player to your left stops. *If it’s not obvious, you can take a vote on the handsomest at the beginning of the night.
D. MISCELLANEOUS
Shot of Leonardo DiCaprio in the audience? Every player must shout “I’m king of the world!” Anyone who forgets has to drink. (hat tip: Rob Trench)
The “So Brave” Rule
Anything or anyone described as “brave,” “courageous,” or “heroic.” One drink*.
*Finish your drink it it’s Eddie Redmayne.
Pageantry
A. ONE DRINK EACH
Anyone dedicating their win to “the brave men and women of,” a group of impoverished or marginalized peoples, telling us who the real heroes are, etc., One drink.
Anything, or anyone described as “visionary,” or getting congratulated on their vision. One drink.
Anyone cries during their acceptance speech? One drink.
B. FINISH YOUR DRINK
This is Hollywood, so people don’t thank God nearly as much as athletes. If anyone thanks God, finish your drink.
C. KEEP DRINKING UNTIL
If the music starts to play someone off during an acceptance speech, start drinking. Don’t stop drinking until the person leaves the podium.
The George Clooney Lightning Round
Any crowd shot of George Clooney initiates The George Clooney Lightning Round, where all single drink rules are doubled until the next crowd shot of George Clooney.
The Moonshot
I’ve read the list of presenters, and Josh Gad is nowhere to be found. I simply refuse to believe that this is true. There is no chance that this many show business people could be in the same place and Josh Gad won’t be there. When was the last time there was an important event that Josh Gad didn’t insert himself into? I believe it was Andy Warhol who once said “In the future, every movie will have 15 minutes of Josh Gad.”
If Josh Gad shows up at the Oscars, be it onstage, in the audience, as a commentator, or through some The Mandarin-style mass hacking event, every player must finish their drink, and the last person to shout “But I heard he was really great in Book of Mormon!” has to take a shot of the host’s choice.
Enjoy, and drink responsibly or whatever.
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.