The Rain City Superhero Movement is no more, as the people of Seattle must now prepare for a dark, sinister era of crime. The leader of the movement, Phoenix Jones (AKA MMA fighter Ben Fodor) announced in a Facebook post last Thursday that asking random citizens to join him in his bizarre-but-totally-legal campaign against street crime was a pretty bad idea. While those in the Common Sense Brigade might have greeted this news with a hearty, “No duh,” it seems that some of Jones’s Facebook followers just couldn’t believe what he had written in his lengthy and obnoxiously all-caps Facebook rant.
Prepare to watch Superman die again, America.
FIRST OFF IM SORRY
I STARTED FIGHTING CRIME YEARS AGO AND INSPIRED ALOT IF PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME.
I REALLY THOUGHT THAT HAVING A LARGE GROUP OF CIVILIAN CRIME FIGHTERS WAS A GOOD IDEA.
I WAS WRONG,
IT TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON TO DO THIS JOB CORRECTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE INSPIRED, WORKED WITH, AND EVEN TAUGHT SOME OF THE WRONG KINDS OF PEOPLE.
AS OF TODAY THE RAIN CITY SUPERHERO MOVEMENT IS OVER. I WILL BE PATROLLING SOLO / WITH SUPERS I TRUST.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW BY DOING THIS IM LOSING FRIENDS I HAVE SHARED UNFORGETTABLE MOMENTS WITH BUT IF IM GOING TO CALL MYSELF A SUPER HERO I MUST HOLD MYSELF AND FRIENDS TO HIGH STANDARDS.
I WILL NOT GO INTO TO MANY DETAILS BUT I FEEL YOU DESERVE A FEW REASON WHY WE CAN NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER. CERTAIN MEMBERS CAN NOT
RUN 2.5 MILES IN 30 MIN.
OR DO FIVE PULL UPS
OR 25 SIT UPS IN 2 MIN
OR BELIVE IT IS OK TO CARRY ILLEGAL WEAPONS.
OR WANT TO PATROL WITH OTHER “SUPERHEROES” THAT HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF MAKING BAD CHOICES THAT ARE POTENTIAL DANGEROUS.
I LOVE BEING A SUPERHERO AND I BELIVE THERE IS A CERTAIN LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM THAT GOES WITH THAT.
WHEN I OR ANY MEMBER OF THE RCSM SHOW UP TO HELP YOU. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE HAVE FIRST AID CPR TRAINING, WE HAVE TAKING BLOOD BORNE PATHOGENS TRAINING AND THAT WE WILL ONLY WORK WITH OTHERS WHO ARE EQUALLY PHYSICALLY AND MEDICALLY TRAINED.
IM SORRY IF I LET ANYONE DOWN I WILL CONTINUE TO PATROL AND HELP PEOPLE.
I JUST CAN’T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CONTINUE TO PUT MY SEAL OF APPROVE ON PEOPLE I FEEL ARE NOT LOYAL OR PROPERLY TRAINED.
AS ALWAYS BE SAFE MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND I’LL SEE YOU IN THE STREETS. (Via Facebook)
The good news is that Jones will still go it alone in the streets of Seattle, where he will undoubtedly run into more racist a-holes and their Mighty Mouse friends, who he will kick in the head to the delight of the Internet (the actual police are another story). The bad news is that Rex Velvet, the faux villain inspired by Jones’s crimefighting/nerdery, also took to Facebook last Friday with his own rant; however, he didn’t take the chance to declare victory. Instead, he wants those physically unfit heroes that Jones wrote about to come forward with their stories, so he can make a video that will basically crush Jones once and for all.
Dear Former Rain City Super Heroes,
Oh how your leader has abandoned you! Phoenix Jones bails on his friends and colleagues at the drop of a hat. Not that surprising to any of us.
I’d be lying if I wasn’t absolutely tickled about Mr. Jones’ ego-loaded announcements to nix all members of a childish, failing subculture. As we at the Social Villains Alliance have been saying for years – “hang up your capes, nerds.”
However, I’m hardly writing you today to further crush your fantasies. Quite the contrary in fact – I’d love to be the first gentleman to congratulate you on your newfound freedom and welcome you back to reality with a wondrous opportunity…
I’ll cut to the chase.
I’m offering to any and all former members of the Rain City Super Hero Movement to step forth and share with the public your thoughts, stories, and truths about Phoenix Jones & the RCSH movement:
In a video my colleagues and I will produce.
Think about your past interactions…
The hardships. The riducule. The rumors. The lies. The deceit.
I’m offering you your own soapbox as the citizens to rise up and reveal the truth about Seattle’s self proclaimed protector.
What do we say gentlemen? One last glorious moment in the spotlight to have the final say about your once respected leader.
Will you respond – or will you squander your one glorious opportunity crying alone in your tights, trapped away in your mothers’ basement?
The choice is yours.
Let’s end this madness – together. Message ol’ Rex.
Your Local Villain,
Rex Velvet (Via Facebook)
And you know that Velvet means business, because he set his mood as “Feeling excited” with a little happy face. Just like a true diabolical supervillain would.