Selena Gomez Movie Narrowly Avoids Being Bucky Larson'd

In Getaway, Ethan Hawke plays a reluctant racecar driver forced to go along with a mission when some bad guys kidnap his wife. Selena Gomez wearing a Zuckerberg hoodie plays his computer hacking sidekick, and Jon Voight plays the bad guy taunting him through speakers and cameras mounted inside the car. With a Drive-meets-WWE’s-film-division plot like this, you’d think everyone would be happy, but folks are just so damned jaded these days, and Getaway is currently tracking 1% on RottenTomatoes with just one fresh rating out of 75 reviews.

Here’s what the peanut gallery is saying:

“Getaway” is so bad that what’s most surprising about it is that Nicolas Cage didn’t manage to star in it. -NY Post

You’ve probably seen this movie before, watching a child play with his toy Hot Wheels cars after eating multiple bowls of sugary breakfast cereal. -SF Chronicle

Even in the realm of really bad movies, Getaway is a special kind of awful. -Kurt Loder

Like watching a friend play a race-car videogame. Over and over and over again for 90 minutes. Without ever offering you a turn. -Hollywood & Fine

..the car chases are dull, the stunt work isn’t very interesting, and the characters would have to be fleshed out to become cardboard figures. -New England Movies Weekly

If a friend gives you a free ticket, turn it down.

So forgettable that better title would be “Throwaway.” -Beliefnet

An interminable and boldly incoherent car chase masquerading as a feature film.

For 89 minutes that feel like 89 hours, cars speed out of control and crash doing only PG-13 damage. The damage to your brain while watching it is incalculable. -RollingStone

“Getaway” could have been an excellent two-minute film. -WashingtonPost

Hawke’s character actually says, after one of several situations that could never possibly be replicated in the real world, “I can’t believe that actually worked.” I’m assuming he said something similar when he cashed his paycheck. -HollywoodChicago

Yeesh, pile on much? So what did the guy who liked it say?

From NowToronto‘s Norman Milner:

At a fleet 90 minutes, Getaway feels like the opposite of the increasingly over-complicated Fast & Furious features. It’s nothing but essential parts, barrelling from one chase sequence to another with no time for distractions.

Ethan Hawke stars as Brent Magna, a former race car driver sent speeding around Sofia, Bulgaria, at the behest of the all-seeing villain (Jon Voight) who’s taken his wife hostage. That’s basically the entire story. Magna goes where he’s told at high speed, while the entire Sofia police force tries to run him off the road.

Oh, and that teenage girl (Selena Gomez) whom Magna is forced to bring along? Turns out she has more to do with the master plot than she knows.

Director Courtney Solomon makes sure the pace never flags, holding our attention with complex multi-camera coverage, and Hawke does just the tiniest bit more acting than necessary for a genre piece.

As a great man once said, people who like this sort of thing will like this sort of thing.

“It’s short, and people who like movies like this will like it.” High praise, that.