FlipBoard
I saw this on Tumblr over the weekend and thought it deserved a post, for obvious reasons. If you remember the Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson “R-Pant” panties from a few years back, you know it’s not the first Twilight-inspired gear designed to put vampires near your bloody vag. And if you remember the felt Bella uterus, you know it’s nowhere near the craziest. In fact, I admire both the cheekiness of this one as well as the utter generic blandness of it. Why does a product inspired by a sparkly twink like Edward suddenly look like a tanned Dan Cortese with Bonnie Rait hair and a cummerbund? Oh, who cares! Look how happy he is to receive your sloughings! Aim for the bare chest!
It seems the original Etsy post is from 2009, and the original description is way worse than the one above:
“An extra long version of the Goddess pad, measuring at a whopping 16 inches long it’s surely to be the only pad you’ll need for your heaviest overnight flows or after childbirth.”
16-inches long?! Jeez, did you give birth or did a vampire chew the baby out with his teeth? Yeesh. 16-inches. That’s almost three subway sandwiches worth, no wonder Kirk Cameron is scared of them. I’m not sure I’d ever use the word “whopping” to sell anything designed for your vag. You know, unless the target audience is your mom, of course.
![[avatar]](https://profilecdn-woven.netdna-ssl.com/photo/257/profile)
Of course it’s a giant pad. Twihards have giant underwear.
Cunt Dracula
Yes, but will it soak up the blood after I slit my wrists in distress because I can’t un-see this?
I vant…to suck…your uterine lining.
Saw this advertised on an episode of Ewww Blood.
I’m glad it’s a sexy vampire. Because if it was like, the withered-up Gary Oldman from Dracula, well that would be sick.
Although…if they could make it so the image transformed from icky-vampire Gary to young-vampire Gary once the pad was…used..then that would be cool.
And it could have a printed dialogue balloon reading “Thanks! That really hit the spot! See ya next month!”
I can’t think of better use for a Dan Cortese reference. :golfclap:
Does that 16 inches come in tampon form? I’m asking for a friend…
You stole my idea…but BRAVO!
Always: With Bat Wings!
Be sure to stick these where the sun don’t shine.
They should probably call this the ‘Never Been Staked’ pad
Don’t settle for these knock-offs, go for the genuine Clam Stoker’s brand.
Vampirism: For people who can’t look themselves in the mirror.
Fanged for her pleasure.
Something something vagina dentata.
Vampires call this “Eating at Arby’s.”
best idea ever, period
If you are looking for that special cat lady in your life who has everything…
“That’s VON! Von giant clot…TWO! Two giant clots…THREE! Three giant clots! AH AH AHHHH!!!”*
*RIP Jerry Nelson, “fangs” for the memories…