I saw this on Tumblr over the weekend and thought it deserved a post, for obvious reasons. If you remember the Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson “R-Pant” panties from a few years back, you know it’s not the first Twilight-inspired gear designed to put vampires near your bloody vag. And if you remember the felt Bella uterus, you know it’s nowhere near the craziest. In fact, I admire both the cheekiness of this one as well as the utter generic blandness of it. Why does a product inspired by a sparkly twink like Edward suddenly look like a tanned Dan Cortese with Bonnie Rait hair and a cummerbund? Oh, who cares! Look how happy he is to receive your sloughings! Aim for the bare chest!

It seems the original Etsy post is from 2009, and the original description is way worse than the one above:

“An extra long version of the Goddess pad, measuring at a whopping 16 inches long it’s surely to be the only pad you’ll need for your heaviest overnight flows or after childbirth.”

16-inches long?! Jeez, did you give birth or did a vampire chew the baby out with his teeth? Yeesh. 16-inches. That’s almost three subway sandwiches worth, no wonder Kirk Cameron is scared of them. I’m not sure I’d ever use the word “whopping” to sell anything designed for your vag. You know, unless the target audience is your mom, of course.