Someone stole $75,000 worth of sex toys from the Pain & Gain set

Michael Bay sat down for an interview with The Daily Beast recently, and there were a few interesting bits, like that his first movie was a Playboy video with Kerri Kendall, that he called Ebert “to the mat” on inaccuracies in his reviews, and that Shia LaBeouf “trashed every movie he’s ever been in”, among other things. But let’s be honest, what we really want to hear about are the stolen sex toys.

There was plenty of testosterone on the set of Pain and Gain. What’s the craziest thing that happened while filming?

We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

Okay, a few things:

1. I don’t trust any man who uses the word “vajayjay.”

2. You can return sex toys for three quarters of a refund? Do people who buy sex toys know about this?

In any case, it appears we have a mystery on our hands, a real whodildonnit (I’m sorry). Right off the bat, I’m going to rule out Marky Mark. For one thing, he abstains from masturbating in order to be prepared for the next 9/11. For another, with those little t-rex arms of his, he’d never be able to reach his groin with a pocket vagina without some kind of extending arm. I don’t see it. That leaves Tony Shalhoub, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, assorted dwarves, and the crew. Personally, I think the smart money’s on a horny teamster. I don’t doubt that Michael Bay demands nothing but the finest in hand-crafted vajayjays, but still, $75,000 worth of sex toys sounds like a haul that requires a truck.

UPDATE: I have to give David Ehrlich credit for putting this news in the proper context: “PRIMER cost 1/10th of PAIN & GAIN’s dildo budget.”