FilmDrunk

The Rock Is Going To Star In A ‘Baywatch’ Movie Because God Loves Us And Wants Us To Be Happy

SOME PEEEEOPLE STAAAND IN THE DARKNESS…. AFRAAAID TO STEP INTOOOO THE LIGHT… AND SOME PEOPLE NEED… TO HELP SOME BODY… HURREVA SURRENNGA TA FLIGGH (??)

What, you don’t know the Baywatch theme song by heart? Well, I guess you weren’t a masturbatory adolescent boy in the days before the internet. And now Paramount is trying to capitalize on the fact that idiots like me remember the Baywatch theme like it was our college fight song by making a feature adaptation. Oh, and it’s going to star Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Paramount is moving forward with its big-screen adaptation of Baywatch and has loosely attached Dwayne Johnson for beach patrol duties. The studio also has hired Justin Malen to rewrite and has attached the hot comedy writing team of Sean Anders and John Morris (We’re the Millers, Horrible Bosses 2) to direct.

Johnson has long been rumored to head up a Baywatch movie, and the oft-shirtless star would seem a perfect fit for the action film that takes place along the perilous shores of Santa Monica.

Oh, like all it takes to be in Baywatch is the ability to look good shirtless? How DARE you. Somewhere David Hasselhoff is drunkenly eating a hamburger off the floor. The Hollywood Reporter actually got through this entire article without mentioning Hasselhoff once, which has to be a real kick to the groin for the guy who once tore down the Berlin Wall.

At one point the action was set to revolve around a series of shark attacks that led the Baywatch team to investigate a drug-smuggling operation. It is unclear what Malen’s take will be for the latest version.

Malen has become an in-demand writer after his 2011 Blacklist script Bastards became a hot comedy property. Montecito  will produce that film, and Alcon will finance. Malen also wrote the sequel to Bad Teacher for Sony, with Cameron Diaz attached to star. [HollywoodReporter]

Anyway, it’s hard to know what “loosely attached” means at this stage, or whether The Rock would be playing Mitch Buchanan or someone else. All I know is that if they need a Hobie, I’ve got two words for them: Miles. Teller.

I’LL BE READY (I’LL BE READY)
NEVER YOU FEAR (NO DON’T YOU FEAR)
I’LL BE READY
FOREVER AND ALWAYS… I’M ALWAAAAAYS HEAAAAAAARE

They damn well better do the crocodile episode.

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