UPDATE, 2/7: A talked to a source close to the original post, who said that the author intended it to be more than a little bit sarcastic and tongue in cheek. Frankly, that makes a lot of sense. And the person was very nice, so keep that in mind as you read it. Perhaps my Portlandia comparison was less newsworthy than just… taken at face value?
Excuse yet another non-movie-related digression from me, but this was just too perfect not to share. So I’ve been apartment hunting here in San Francisco for the past week, and I love this city, but man, many of the stereotypes about us are true, and never are they laid more plain than when you’re scrolling through Craigslist ads. The “vegan household seeks non-meat-eater,” the “we don’t have a TV in the common area and we’d like to keep it that way” – you’d think you were looking for a drum circle instead of a room. There are plenty of non-noteworthy “only in SF”-type posts (and even typing “only in SF” makes me want to kick my own ass), but the one I’m about to share manages to combine nearly every stereotype into one, magnificently un-self-aware post. If Portlandia was about San Francisco, the person who wrote this would be one of the characters.
I’m trying to leave out identifiers and not link the post so this poor girl doesn’t get a million emails, but here’s the text (names have been changed):
It’s 7:14am and the sun is beginning to reach through the window, around your curtains, gently rousing you from an undisturbed night of rest. Sitting up, you hear the jingle of a bell – it’s Bambina the cat, scurrying towards her food bowl. You know that your lovely roommate, Marina, will soon follow, rubbing the sleep from her eye and muttering about the “little bastard” under her breath. Minutes later, Kyle walks past with one of his many bicycles. You wish him a nice day as he heads out the door to his job at an ad agency.
Stepping into the newly remodeled kitchen, Marina asks if you would like to taste some of the kale smoothie she just made…it is surprisingly delicious. You sip the delicious smoothie and look out onto the garden where a hummingbird is gracefully sipping it’s [sic] own breakfast from a flower.
It’s time to shower and you head into the bathroom – completely redone with two sinks and copious amounts of storage space. Smiling and sighing to yourself as you look in the mirror, you whisper, “Today is going to be a beautiful day!”. That’s just like you. Always so positive.
You’ve brushed your hair and your teeth, bid Bambina adieu, and now it is time to catch the bus. Luckily the lightrail is around the corner, as are the 10, 48, and 22. Getting to work will be a breeze! You wave to Fred across the street, and walk over to Piccino’s for a quick cappuccino before heading to the bus stop.
It’s so sunny and everyone is smiling as they walk their dogs or push their adorable and well dressed children in their strollers. Why is everyone so happy? What is this place?
Welcome to the Dogpatch, my friend. This beautiful sliver of San Francisco could be your new home!
Kyle and Marina (that’s me) are searching for the perfect roomie to add to our new home at [street]. You want to live with us in the historic Dogpatch district, for a variety of reasons:
1. You are delighted with the prospect of living in this quiet, up and coming neighborhood surrounded by cute restaurants, backpacking stores, the Esprit park, fromagerie’s, Mr. and Mrs. Miscellaneous, The Dogpatch Saloon, The Ramp, Serpentine, Hard Knox Cafe, Chocolate Lab, Triple Aught Design, Oliviers Butcher shop….shall I keep going?
2. Kyle and I are communicative, respectful, fun roommates who have very unique interests. We’re both work hard/play harder types – Kyle is constantly going for rides on one of his aforementioned bikes, and when I’m not working I’m at concerts. Like, all the time.
3. The home we live in is 1200 square feet, has a huge bathroom and kitchen, a patio, a garden, and everything has just been redone. It’s seriously gorgeous – I don’t have good pics yet but can send you some if you are interested!
If you are serious about being considered, please reply to this ad with a bit about yourself. Who are you? What do you do? What makes life worth living?
I look forward to hearing from you!
Marina, Kyle, and Bambina
If one could email barfs, I would email her all of the barfs. She also forgot to mention that the utilities are free, as the power of the smugness lights the entire building, which is nice, because it’s a renewable energy source and we’re all about being green! My aroma therapist has a vintage recumbent bike that runs on vegetable oil, it’s just the way we do things around here. Fun, community.
I wonder if you can just tell Bambina “bye” or “ciao,” or if it has to be “adieu” because the cat only responds to French. This poor girl. She probably thought this post was really cute. I feel bad now.