That Story About The Duggar Girl Having Sex In A Church On Her Wedding Night Is Almost Certainly Fake, Sadly.

Folks, I’m back from the rabbit hole, so bear with me: This week, Gawker, RadarOnline, and others are reporting a story about Jessa Duggar, one of the 19 kids created by those disturbingly fertile Arkansas Bible thumpers, and her wedding over the weekend. It was famously attended by Kirk Cameron, who showed up in his most festive sweater to congratulate the couple on saving their first kiss for their wedding day and to plug his upcoming movie. But now, there’s a story going around that the couple was so horny that they couldn’t wait until their wedding night.

Radar Online says:

Wedding guest Mary B. claimed outrageous rumors spread among shocked guests at the reception that Jessa, 21, and Ben, 19, were caught in an act of “lust” when her free-spirited sister Jinger, 20, accidently opened the door to the couple’s “kiss” room in the Arkansas church.

With Gawker adding:

I was very upset when I was told about the incident that was witnessed by [my daughters] when the door to the room [Jessa and Ben] were in was accidently opened. I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consumate God’s marriage.

The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertendly walked into was heartbreaking and troubling. Why did this happen? How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together. This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer.

More than anything did I want this to be true. Both sites attribute their quotes to a blog called “My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mother!” The above blockquote came from a comment by “Mary B.” on this post, in which the blogger, “Ashleigh,” supposedly attended the wedding. It also included this:

The ice cream was simply delightful. Everyone had a scoop, and they had dairy free and they had sugar free so everyone was included in the ice cream. We all chatted and had a grand time together.

Something about the whole thing set off the tiny satire detector I keep behind the hate gland in my skull, and so I kept reading. Some names I found of “Ashleigh’s” supposed relatives on just the first page:

Kymberleigh Dayton

Then there’s this post, about Halloween:

Going to bed early is a bit of a struggle. Its easy enough to get the kids down, but my husband and I have a hard time going to bed that early. Once, we decided to turn on a lamp and read in the darkness. The electricity was shut off. A couple other times, we tried to procreate. Both times, I miscarried. So we took it to mean that NO fun is to be had on Halloween!

There’s one about their cat with diarrhea, one about them trying to marry off their daughter at the age of 13, and then there’s this one:

Real life examples of God’s love
Have you ever had a dog? They are so loyal and loving. They are actually the perfect example of God.

God backwards is Dog. Dogs are friendly and loyal. Anything you do to them, and they still love and adore you. God is the same way.

Ever pet another dog, and come home to find your dog sniffing you, and then being hurt? Or have two dogs try to fight for your affections? They are loyal and loving, but they are also jealous. God is the same way. He is jealous when you put others in front of him… just like dogs!

Its a great way to teach kids about God.

To make a long story short, “My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mother!” is really funny, but it’s almost certainly a parody site. Ergo, that story about the Duggar girl getting caught having sex in a church on her wedding night that everyone’s reporting is almost certainly fake. As much as I like the idea of a good Christian mom who wants to marry off her daughter Nataleigh at the age of 13 to a boy whose family lives in a tent in the front lawn, who thinks dogs are the model for God, and who keeps miscarrying because of the sex she had while hiding from trick or treaters on the Satanic holiday of Halloween, I’m pretty sure it’s just a joke. “Jinger” is still the actual name of a Duggar, however.

Here’s a real picture of the Duggar girl and her husband Ben Seewald learning how to kiss:

Aw, he doesn’t know where to put his face. Anyway, I would not wish the hours of my life I spent figuring this out on my worst enemy. Do you know how hard it is to distinguish satire from real Christian mommy blogging?

Goodbye forever.