First off, I was skimming over my Mortdecai review when I noticed a disparaging comment, followed by the greatest comeback our young nation has ever seen. Here’s how it all went down:
That made me laugh and laugh. And so Hyrax, wherever you are, you beautiful herbivorous mammal, may your nights be filled with the bosoms of whatever persons you seek bosoms from; may your days be filled with a thousand sunflowers.
Moving on, we took last week off the Streaming Column. You guys didn’t know it at the time, but it was a silent protest against those weeks where they don’t even bother. There are so many movies, and so many Netflix reps, they should be signing deals left and right, and then left again. Thankfully, this week is better, and not a moment too soon, as we don’t have Mortdecai to fall back on. Here’s all the action for your Super Bowl weekend!
Top Netflix Film of the Week (streaming on February 1)
The Brothers Bloom
I legit love this film. It has everything I desire – bipolar ingenue dream ladies, shysters, guys who are shy, disparaging remarks about other countries, inscrutable Asian bomb makers, and the term “freaky scary”. This was Rian Johnson before Looper, but after Brick, and you can just see his little director head peeking out a bit more each time. When movies mix sentimentality with cleverness they’ve found the road to my heart. And the path to my pants. Here’s the opening scene.
Top Netflix Circle of the Week (streaming on February 1)
Now: In the Wings on a World Stage
Speaking of pants, this looks like a BUNCH of actors just jerking themselves off. I’m not saying they didn’t do a good job. But I am saying the marketing left a lotta bit to be desired. I mean, I really like Kevin Spacey, or rather I really like “House of Cards”, but I’m not even sure what the point was here. Shakespeare? That guy hasn’t been relevant in 400 years. Heeeeeyooooo, hot take! In all seriousness, I think I’m a fan of the Mel Gibson version of Hamlet if such a thing is even possible, oh, and of course the Baz Luhrman one. But I can’t see guzzling this down.
Top Netflix Curio of the Week (streaming on February 1)
I don’t remember hating this. Did I hate this? This is why I need a producer. You know, a detail guy. Someone to handle the rigamarole, the day to day, while I fatten myself on lasagna and biddies. This one features your girl Keira Knightley, and Clive Owen too. Didn’t Owen used to be a bigger deal? I feel like he may have Clived his last Clive if you catch my drift. I can’t imagine why anyone would watch this given the hundreds of thousands of alternatives that exist. Not that it’s bad, per se, but more that it’s crushingly average. In many ways, it’s a metaphor for the current state of the European Union’s economy. #MoreHOTTakes
Top Netflix Franco of the Week
Hmm, when is someone finally gonna talk about this film? And now it’s on Netflix! It made a boatload on-demand, likely more than it would in theaters as the studios don’t have to split that revenue, and then they cut deals with every streaming service. They made lemon chiffon out of a lemonhead they found on the road. Let me know how this is, I’m not in the business of supporting marketing pivots, except for GoDaddy getting rid of that puppy commercial. That was a bunch of horrible.