This Week In Movie Posters: August 22, 2014

We’re going in alphabetical order this week, not in order of importance, so first up we have the winner of Best Film at the Illuminate film festival, which I bet was a great place to pick up chicks. This poster isn’t doing much to make me want to look up what it’s about, so I’m just going to assume it’s Eastern Mysticism for Fit Moms Who Spin Class. Maybe I’ll see it with my third eye?

I’d like to think the world has been a bit unfair to Kristen Stewart, on account of her association with Twilight, a gig that, let’s be honest, anyone would’ve taken. That said, if you’re trying to demonstrate her acting range, I probably would’ve gone with a different facial expression for the poster. Love gives her heartburn, vampires give her heartburn, war gives her heartburn – WHAT DOESN’T GIVE YOU HEARTBURN, K-STEW?! Yep. Yes, this is how you poster, yes indeedy.Wow, two amazing posters in a row. This one looks like a poster for a fake Grindhouse trailer, but it’s actually real. And it has Paz De La Huerta in it so I can only imagine that it will have lots of nudity. *Sigh* God I love that constantly naked psychopath.

Ugh, Jamie Lannister is so obnoxiously handsome. That said, I have no idea what this is supposed to be about from the poster. And whenever I see Susanne Bier’s name, all I can think about is how Lars Von Trier said she should be in a concentration camp or something. I could easily watch five hours of Lars Von Trier talking trash on other arthouse filmmakers. Ant-Man used “BIGFOOT” as a cover when they were shooting in San Francisco, and at the time I thought “haha, everyone knows no one’s making a Bigfoot movie.”

And now here we are, looking at a poster for a Bigfoot movie. The idea seems silly on paper, but… if a bigfoot stabs a car with an uprooted tree? I. AM. SO. IN. That’s good postering, everyone. Ass pats all around.I’m colorblind, so I’m just going to assume that this is about a husband who loves chocolate. Oh, I’d let this guy in. I don’t know who this handsome devil is, but he could “get it,” if you know what I mean. This would also make a great new cover for Casual Gunman Magazine.I love any Rosamund Pike I can get, but what the hell is she looking at? It’s like she doesn’t even notice Simon Pegg’s misproportioned head.I like that they named the movie after the target audience for horror films – hybrid-named white people. Jessabelle, Jessamin, Jessalin, Clairica, Emilope, Braden, Jaden, Caden, Jaxxyn, Skrillaxxin… You know, a lot of people are naming their kids “Jackson/Jaxxon/Jaxxyn” these days, but that’s really only acceptable if there’s a sibling named Skillaxxin. These are my kids, Jessamin, Jessalin, Messapryn, Jaxxyn, Skrillaxxyn, and Kerpraxxyn.Yo, you gotta tell me what the movie is about, not give me generic yearbook quotes. “KIT: A Friendship That Would Shake The Earth.”Okay, stop it with the black and white and red bullsh*t already.Does yasiin bey not capitalize her name? Is that a thing? Sub question, who is yasiin bey? *Googles* Ohhhh, it’s Mos Def. Look, man, no offense, but I can only remember one or two fake names per human.

Anyway, this movie actually comes out next weekend and I haven’t heard anything about it, despite it starring Jennifer Aniston. Meaning there is a 98% chance that the studio thought it was terrible and buried it.

Is that Mark Duplass? I saw this poster and thought “Ooh this looks like some Billy Elliot bullsh*t,” only to scroll down and BOOM, Billy Elliot reference. Side note, I can’t imagine how boring of a human being you would have to be to love Billy Elliot. Get it? He’s a BOY who likes DANCING! My my, how very droll. So unexpected.Oh look, more black and white and red crap. Also, remember what I said about the weird cross motif Sin City 2? Yeah.

Also, is it weird to be attracted to Lady Gaga? I feel all sexual about her and then in turn feel weird about it. I think she’s the female Willem Dafoe.Haha, just in case you wondered whether the Stephen Hawking biopic would include the ol’ equations-on-a-window chestnut, they went ahead and just stuck them on the poster. Also, I don’t know what it is about Eddie Redmayne, but I laugh every time I see his face. He reminds me of Ben Stiller in his Simple Jack makeup. When he started vibro-singin’ in Les Mis I had to leave the theater because I was disturbing the other patrons. That was one sad, freckly little dork.

On another note, Felicity Jones is super duper pretty. When she almost took up with that chair-stealing son of a bitch in Like Crazy I was ready to drive to his house and beat him up. SO MUCH INDIE DRAMA WE GOT TWO TYPES OF FUTURA, OOOOOOH WAH-AH AH AH! Sweet Jesus, another Billy Elliot reference? That is too many Billy Elliot references. I can only handle one Billy Elliot reference per week, thanks.

“The director of The Reader has combined Billy Elliot and Slumdog Millionaire into Vince Mancini’s personal unwatchable nightmare, and YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!”

From the producers of Upworthy and Heaven Is For Real. “They kidnapped his daughter and he killed them twice. THIS SUMMER, Liam Neeson digs them up and kills them again, IN, CORPSE MURDERER!”

It’s actually called “A Walk Among The Tombstones,” which is just amazing. I don’t know how I feel about Liam Neeson stealing Statham’s schtick.

Oh hey look, it’s every horror movie ever made.

[all posters via IMPA]