This Week in Posters and Stills: Iron Man 3, Pain and Gain

Strap in, kids, we’ve got an abundance of posters to savor this week. First up, Iron Man 3. I’ll be honest, it sort of bums me out how excited grown adults get every time a comic book character so much as farts on celluloid. I mean, I like plenty of comic book movies (possibly more than half, even) it’s just the automatic excitement of it. It seems like a weird form of brand loyalty. Anyway, I like this poster fine, I’m just not that into the idea of a third Iron Man after the last one. Is this one just going to be Robert Downey flexing at the camera shouting “I’m Robert Downey, bitch!” while he bangs supermodels? The first one was fun, but let’s face it, Iron Man is kind of like the Entourage of superhero movies.

I call this pose the Angry Upside-Down Jesus. My girlfriend and I tried the Angry Upside-Down Jesus once, but we didn’t have the right sized railroad spikes.

Here’s the poster for Blumenthal, starring Brian Cox.

Celebrated playwright, Harold Blumenthal, has passed away after succumbing to cardiac arrest while laughing at his own joke. Now, Harold’s estranged and jealous brother, Saul, must confront his personal hang-ups in order to deliver himself from an epic bout of constipation. Meanwhile, Saul’s wife Cheryl and son Ethan must grapple with their own personal obstacles through a set of circumstances so improbably ironic, they might as well have been lifted from one of Harold’s plays.

Too quirky? I don’t know, I will watch virtually anything with Brian Cox in it. I like the poster too. They did the diagonal lines thing, but in a way that actually would make sense, instead of just tilting a regular picture sideways. I mean, if it had my druthers, Cox’s picture would have a few wieners drawn on him in addition to the mustache. Seems more realistic.

Oh look, it’s cartoon Taylor Lautner. He already seems so much more lifelike, even in a still image.

Yes. This is why you animate. So we can have crazy slug monsters voiced by George Lopez. This is what animation is for.

IMDB says this comes from Blue Yonder Films and The Weinstein Company, but that is the Dreamworksiest Dreamworks face I’ve ever seen. Fittingly voiced by Brendan Fraser, who is basically a human Dreamworks face.

Is that you, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg? Not that I’m complaining if it were true. That character should be in everything.

Hava Negila, obviously, is a famous Jewish dance in which a virgin is placed atop a chair and fed to an angry God, who rewards the sacrifice by giving out gold coins filled with chocolate. This is a documentary about that dance. On a related note, I can’t so much as see Harry Belafonte’s name without “Hokay, I believe you” being stuck in my head for weeks.

Shake, shake, shake, senora, shake it all the time…

You’re welcome for that. Wait, is that line supposed to be “señora,” even though it sounds like “zanora?” I never knew. Which leads me to my next question: who’s worse at pronouncing Spanish lyrics, Harry Belafonte or The Clash?

Here’s Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl in Kick Ass 2, from Empire via RopeofSilicon. Oddly, I think her Hit Girl costume was less creepy when she was younger, if that makes any sense.

Stephenie Meyer’s idea of roguish dystopian future hunk is a svelte, clean-shaven catalogue model with perfect Caucasian hair and a slightly frayed sweater. This says it all, doesn’t it? This is what “scruffy” looks like when you’re Mormon.

A movie about magicians is pretty much a softball for costume and poster designers. But man, there’s a lot of uncanny valley in those foreheads. Also, the order of names makes it seem like Jim Carrey is supposed to be Olivia Wilde.

“Abracatastic,” meanwhile, is just bad enough to be great.

Is that supposed to be his chest? That’s nude fabric, right?

Yes. Just take my money, Steve Buscemi.

A tilted top hat is way cooler than a tilted fedora. There, I said it.


The “presented by North Face” is also interesting. “This surrealistic mindf*ck of hallucinogenic psychedelia will blow your brain out asshole! Sponsored by the GAP!”

The most interesting part of this poster to me is that you’re allowed to have that combination A/E character thingy as part of your name. I pressed option and every key on my computer and I still don’t know how to make it. So good for you, Peter NA/E§§∞ss.

This looks like it could be cool, but the giants’ eyes have an old-school deadness to them that I can’t quite put my finger on. We may have to put a Kardashian up there for comparison.

I’d wear that hat. I wouldn’t have to brush my hair OR pluck my unibrow.

Yep, that’s Jim Carrey on the left, as Colonel Stars and Stripes. What was the last time Jim Carrey was brought in for a sequel for which he didn’t appear in the original? Batman Forever? I have a feeling this is going to be weird.

Chloe Moretz looks Asian here. Which is probably very exciting for a certain demo.

You know Koreans are smarter than we are when they can mix their characters with ours and still expect everyone to be able to read it.

This shot of Baby Goose and Eva Mendes on the set of Place Beyond the Pines (via CinemaBlend) has easily my favorite description this week:

First up is a shot of Mendes as Romina and Gosling as Luke, cradling his little boy Jason, played by Anthony ‘Tony’ Pizza Jr. No, that last name is not a typo.

I’m not going to lie, that kid definitely looks like a “Tony Pizza Jr.” I think Tony Pizza Sr. is a Kevin James character.

“Visually ravishing.” Oh shut up, Hoberman.

Oh, did you think a movie about a non-violent Texas ranger wouldn’t have giant explosions and a white Indian with a bird on his head? Obviously you don’t know Jerry Bruckheimer.

I dig the two-color/negative space thing. It is two-color, right? Hashtag colorblind problems.

Here’s a shot from the set of The Muppets… Again! Ricky Gervais is always making that face, isn’t he?

I question the need for this sequel, but I can never be unhappy looking at all these muppets.

Here’s Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston in Jim Jarmusch’s vampire movie, The Only Lovers Left Alive. Yep, looks pretty Jarmuschy. Does anyone else’s computer smell like cigarettes?

Ayo, I think he gone rob dat bank.

Haha, that one guy’s upside down!

This has a weird visual puzzle effect that keeps me staring at it.

Hey, it’s that movie Brandon Stroud is in! Go team Uproxx! I was gonna be in a movie, but… like, they said I was too good looking or something. I’ll, uh, I’ll probably just stay here and protect the house while the menfolk go out to make movies. This is a more important job anyway, right?

The latest still from Pain and Gain. Michael Bay’s movies sure look great, don’t they? If I could watch them as a series of stills without his obnoxious, swoopy cameras, frenetic editing, and grating characterizations, I’d be there. Transformers 2 was on TV the other day. Question: Is the Witwicky family the most annoying in cinematic history? It was like an entire household of shrill, coked-up club promoters on fast forward.

I bet Michael Bay made an explosion sound under his breath every time that coin bag popped open.

[posters via IMPA]