FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Power Rangers,’ Man Legs, And ‘John Wick 2’

We begin this week in This Week In Posters with Aftermath, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the thrilling tale of a man seeking revenge on… uh… the plane that crashed into his plane? Yeah, sure, let’s go with that. Get off my plane, plane!

Oh well, at least the diagonal isn’t just the designer tilting the horizon sideways for no reason this time. Or maybe it’s about chemtrails? [*Arnold voice*] “This frog used to be straight, you son of a bitch. [*shoves fabulous frog in bad guy’s mouth while he dies gurgling*]

See, Baywatch is doing a Game of Thrones parody, and The Rock is sitting in his Lord’s chair acting as King in the North or whatever. Sure. My only question: Why is he wearing shoes? No one wears shoes on the beach, they get all sandy on the inside. Are those aqua socks, maybe? Is The Rock trying to bring back aqua socks? Damn, first fanny packs now this? Is there anything The Rock can’t do? If The Rock brings back ska he should run for president. There would be skanking in the streets.

It’s a movie about Bitcoin, you see. And that’s Inspector Rabbit or whatever. Wait, is the “bit” short for “rabbit?” Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on in this poster. I bet libertarians get it.

This poster for Captain Underpants really drives home the point that it’s a movie called Captain Underpants. Which, to be fair, is a pretty strong name. I feel like I must’ve shouted that in a fit of drunken revelry at least once in my life. I had to look up “The First Epic Movie” before I realized it was just part of the title. Eh? Anyway, it’s called “Captain Underpants” and no one’s making the Dreamworks face in it, which is a leap forward for this studio. Especially considering the last poster I saw of theirs was “Boss Baby.”

Poor Elián, left to swing between two flags. Out there on the swing set, just flappin’ back and forth like a flag! Anyway, this feels like passable visual shorthand for a story we already know.

Urgent AND relevant! See, there are people from New York City, and uh… they’re, like, sullen and they have problems and stuff. That’s why this is such a must-see! All the most relevant and urgent films are about sad New Yorkers, I find.

Here we have Girls Trip gender swapping the old “between the legs” poster cliche. That’s all well and good, even if Tiffany Haddish (the one making the Miley Cyrus face) doesn’t seem to have a body. Ditto the “You’ll be glad you came” tagline. Ha, sex, get it? These womens are all going to have orgasms from staring at that man’s penis. (Is that how it works? I’ve been doing it wrong all these years). The most distracting thing about this though are the guy’s legs. His feet are turned inward at the bottom and outward at the top. Is that even possible? They look like they’re on backwards. This week! Come see Tampa’s hottest stripper, Dave “Crazy Legs” Diamond! He will turn you out, and then back in again.

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