This Week In Posters: ‘Power Rangers,’ Man Legs, And ‘John Wick 2’

We begin this week in This Week In Posters with Aftermath, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the thrilling tale of a man seeking revenge on… uh… the plane that crashed into his plane? Yeah, sure, let’s go with that. Get off my plane, plane!

Oh well, at least the diagonal isn’t just the designer tilting the horizon sideways for no reason this time. Or maybe it’s about chemtrails? [*Arnold voice*] “This frog used to be straight, you son of a bitch. [*shoves fabulous frog in bad guy’s mouth while he dies gurgling*]

See, Baywatch is doing a Game of Thrones parody, and The Rock is sitting in his Lord’s chair acting as King in the North or whatever. Sure. My only question: Why is he wearing shoes? No one wears shoes on the beach, they get all sandy on the inside. Are those aqua socks, maybe? Is The Rock trying to bring back aqua socks? Damn, first fanny packs now this? Is there anything The Rock can’t do? If The Rock brings back ska he should run for president. There would be skanking in the streets.

It’s a movie about Bitcoin, you see. And that’s Inspector Rabbit or whatever. Wait, is the “bit” short for “rabbit?” Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on in this poster. I bet libertarians get it.

This poster for Captain Underpants really drives home the point that it’s a movie called Captain Underpants. Which, to be fair, is a pretty strong name. I feel like I must’ve shouted that in a fit of drunken revelry at least once in my life. I had to look up “The First Epic Movie” before I realized it was just part of the title. Eh? Anyway, it’s called “Captain Underpants” and no one’s making the Dreamworks face in it, which is a leap forward for this studio. Especially considering the last poster I saw of theirs was “Boss Baby.”

Poor Elián, left to swing between two flags. Out there on the swing set, just flappin’ back and forth like a flag! Anyway, this feels like passable visual shorthand for a story we already know.

Urgent AND relevant! See, there are people from New York City, and uh… they’re, like, sullen and they have problems and stuff. That’s why this is such a must-see! All the most relevant and urgent films are about sad New Yorkers, I find.

Here we have Girls Trip gender swapping the old “between the legs” poster cliche. That’s all well and good, even if Tiffany Haddish (the one making the Miley Cyrus face) doesn’t seem to have a body. Ditto the “You’ll be glad you came” tagline. Ha, sex, get it? These womens are all going to have orgasms from staring at that man’s penis. (Is that how it works? I’ve been doing it wrong all these years). The most distracting thing about this though are the guy’s legs. His feet are turned inward at the bottom and outward at the top. Is that even possible? They look like they’re on backwards. This week! Come see Tampa’s hottest stripper, Dave “Crazy Legs” Diamond! He will turn you out, and then back in again.

Here’s the first of a new batch of character posters for Gold Dust. I like the color scheme, but I feel like I’m supposed to know who these people are. Is this a British movie? A Christian movie? Something feels like it’s not quite translating here.

Nope, still don’t know who these people are. But the debris flying everywhere tells me this is going to have lots of action! Guns, horned helmets, quad bikes — this has everything! But, you know, I probably wouldn’t have included casual metal detector guy in there. A metal detector is like a reverse gun. Whatever exciting movie I thought I was in for is now negated by 45 minutes of someone looking for arrowheads. One time I saw a metal detector guy at the park and I asked him what he usually finds and that was the biggest regret of my life.

This is a really cool poster, taking some design cues from that one really cool Kick-Ass poster. Liam Wall as Josey! Wait, is Liam Wall David Wall’s son or something? Is this even a real movie or just some stuff a dad made on Photoshop?

Yep, another Wall. I don’t know what’s going on here. I think some weird family made a movie together and now they have to release it themselves because none of them are Will Smith.

I finally broke down and looked this movie up. All I can really tell you is that it has one of the most overwrought IMDb synopses ever written (I have to imagine by David Wall himself):

Somewhere along the border with Mexico, two lifelong friends – prospectors

Wait, like gold prospectors? Is that even a job anymore? Or is that what guys with metal detectors call themselves now?

– use moth eaten maps and passed down legends in a lifelong search to find a ghost ship rumored to have been buried in the desert sand over millennia as the seafloor dried up.

A ghost ship! The most interesting thing a metal detector guy could possibly find in the desert. Ghosts must build metal ships.

Today, Mexican drug lords operate here

Oh no, are these those “bad hombres” I’ve heard so much about?

using a fleet of children in ultra light airplanes

Wait… what? Torn from the headlines! Yo, Chuck! It’s your cousin, Marvin Headlines. You know those fleets of ultralight airplanes flown by children you been looking for?

flying in a new type of treasure – heroin – modern gold dust.

Wow, heroin is modern day gold dust? Is it even gold? Or dusty? Or modern? This reads like someone stayed up for eight days straight watching nothing but Dateline and now their brain works only in stretched metaphor.

These two friends must decide between pursuing their dreams of treasure, suddenly so close, and what they know is right. To save themselves, or risk their lives to save a young girl captive to the drug lord.

Hold on, there’s just one drug lord now? And this young girl, is she perchance a pilot? I also really like the idea that one might have to choose between doing what’s right and the ULTIMATE METAL DETECTOR SCORE. Sorry, babe. You’re great and all, but I’m just really focused on my prospecting right now and I don’t have time for  relationships.

GOLD DUST is a wild adventure of treasure and ghosts, mirages and orphans, shattered dreams and lost loves.

This really does have everything.

It blends the stark deadly beauty of the desert with a villain so disarmingly dangerous he becomes terrifyingly elegant.

Stark, beautiful desert meets a dangerous, elegant villain? Hmm, I’m picturing a fop covered in sand.

Classical music. Thundering opera. Rattlesnakes and precious gems.

Massive applause. Stirring action. Wombats and solid gold toilets. This sounds like someone having a stroke, or in the throes of tertiary syphilis.

Mansions and gold mines. Friendship and despair. Hope. Death. And Love. Treasure beyond imagination always vanishes in the desert wind.

“Treasure beyond imagination always vanishes in the desert wind.” So… the always would indicate that this happens regularly. It’s always vanishing before you can even finish imagining it? Damn, dude. That’s so precious and bittersweet. Life’s so rad. Life’s a trip, que no? Anyway, this synopsis was an emotional roller coaster. I’m not sure I can handle a movie after all that.

That’s a lot of lens flares. Or bubbles. What are those things, exactly? Fireflies? Are they inside a champagne bottle? What’s happening here? Ah well, at least they lined up the faces with the names.

At this point I’m not sure John Wick 2 needs additional posters, but when they’re this good, no one’s complaining.

Is it just me or does Keanu kind of look like Jack from Lost in this one?

This is a cool poster that also makes me extremely happy that Frank Miller wasn’t involved in John Wick 2.

I would hang this on my wall, even though Keanu looks like Frank Zappa in it.

And now he’s doing a kind of Scarface thing. Yes, this one has the diagonal horizon line I always complain about, but it kind of makes sense in this one. Like John Wick is so big that one of this foot steps tilts the entire world.

Anime John Wick? Sure, why not.

This looks fabulous as hell. That is all.

Wait, Samuel L. Jackson is in Skull Island? They really buried the lede with this thing.

A giant ape? Send all the helicopters! You’d think they’d send at least one Apache and not these ’70s-ass helicopters. Maybe it’s a period piece? Dunno.

No husband? No problem! Hmm, this seems like a good time  to play my third favorite poster game, “faith-based or secular.” So, is this faith-based or secular? You make your guess? Good. Google says…

When her fiancé bows out on the eve of her wedding, Michal refuses to cancel the wedding arrangements. An Orthodox Jew, she insists that God will supply her a husband. As the clock ticks down.

And it has a Hebrew title. But it’s being released by Roadside Attractions. So it’s… an Orthodox Jewish-faith-based rom-com, released by a secular distributor, it seems. Dang, I think we have to call that a draw.

What the hell is a Ninjago and how many of these Lego movies are they going to make? Anyway, I can’t focus on anything but the fact that the Lego guy kind of looks like Steve Bannon.

This is one of my favorite posters this week. It’s simple, but something about that pose and squinty look is just perfect. He looks like the definition of, I believe it’s called a “noodge.” And I can barely tell it’s Richard Gere.

It’s a little dizzying seeing a goofy kids show that didn’t quite translate turned into an EPIC ACTION MOVIE, but I guess that’s the old Batman formula. Why are their faces silver though? Are the Power Rangers actually paint huffers? Is that how they morph? It’s morphin’ time! [*hallucinates giant robot vehicles shaped like animals and a cackling Asian lady in the sky*]

Look at all those potential toys. Have fun, parents.

“Okay, so you know Bigfoot?”

“The mythical ape man who lives in the forest?”

“That’s the one.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“Well what if I told you he had a kid?”

“You mean like some kind of missing link baby?”

“No, no, just, like, a regular human kid. But spunky. Relatable. Think Marty McFly.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Wears a vest. Tousled hair. Rides a skateboard.”

That son of Bigfoot is one outrageous dude. He’s totally in my face!

Guns… the skyline of a city… yes, this is definitely a spy movie. Why is Noomi Rapace so much bigger? I have to think it’s because someone was slightly embarrassed about casting Orlando Bloom. They should’ve been more embarrassed about “the producer of Salt,” but whatever. Either way, nothing Orlando Bloom does from here on out will erase the image of him kayaking around with a half boner. He seems so proud of it, you have to respect that.