FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: ‘Keanu’ Adds A Cat To The Best Picture Nominees

Amityville: The Awakening is our first poster this week, which as I pointed out last time, is the 14th Amityville horror movie. My God, that poor town. Even Forks, Washington feels bad for Amityville. Anyway, this is a great horror-movie tagline. “Everyone knows every horror movie is about a haunted house. What our movie presupposes is, maybe this one’s more haunted?”

Also, lots of desaturated tree branches being used as a visual metaphor for veins and synapses these days. It’s the new horror-poster hotness. (A for use of negative space though.)

Being allowed to have a poster this obtuse feels cheating since I’ve already seen Cabin Fever. Still, at least this one has some comedy in it. Much better than last week’s “tears of blood” version. Although this time they left off the actors’ names, which is a risky move. I mean how will Gage Golightly’s massive fan base know they should see this?!

Using the floating legs as a diagonal works much better than just turning the horizon line sideways for no reason. Still, all I can really focus on here is “Directed by Travis Z.” Has there ever been a good movie directed by a guy with a rap name? Well, not a rap name. I don’t think any rappers are named “Travis.” Maybe a comedian name? It actually feels more like the name of an MTV VJ covering the Vans Warped Tour. “And now back to Travis Z, who’s standing by with BMX vert ramp winner Curb Lurbs.”

SEX.

Personally, I think this one would be a lot sexier if the left hand had extended middle finger stretching towards the butt. I almost wrote “the hole of the butt,” which is much classier than “butthole.”

This guy is going to discover the world through eating lots of food? Yes, that is right up my alley. I also like the Willy Wonka vibe. But oy, that pull quote. “Inspiring passion for the food and people who elucidate the soul of a people” makes me cringe like I just ate a moldy almond. That is a whole lot of words to say nothing at all. Did you know? Multi-syllabic and metaphysical words can be an excellent substitute for having something to say.

Interesting design here: It’s like a Roman fresco of Jake Gyllenhaal. And it kind of works, Jake Gyllenhaal has such expressive eyebrows. Jake Gyllenhaal is like the Michaelangelo’s David of eyebrows.

No need to run to Google Translate, “desierto” just means “desert.” Anyway, cool poster. Once again, it has diagonals, but they make sense. The horizon line is straight, it’s just the stuff around it going sideways. Also, the guy with the gun seems like he’s doing a Fury Road pose, no?

Uh oh, Gael Garcia Bernal appears to have an evil growth on his shoulder that tells him bad things. And he’s carrying a AR-15-type gun like the right-wing militia version of a devil on your shoulder. “Psst. Obama’s a Muslim. 9/11 was an inside job. The Jews control all the banks. Big Bang Theory is a great show.”

Also, every time I read “Jonás Cuarón,” (he’s the son of Alfonso) I start trying to pronounce “Jonas” the Spanish way in my head, which naturally leads to me mentally singing a Spanglish version “My Name Is Jonas.” Me llamo Jonas/soy carrying the world. Gracias por all you shown us/aqui esta how we feel. Sientate next to me/Toma algo de té. Como abuela made/cuando we couldn’t find sleep…

By the way, you ever have one of those thoughts you should probably keep to yourself?

I enjoy Sacha Baron Cohen’s shamelessness in going back to the “guy-in-silly-wig-wearing-skimpy-underwear” well. Also, I think a surefire way to tell if a guy isn’t American was if he has hair covering his ears. Why is that? Were we secretly indoctrinated in this but I missed it? And why? Some day someone is going to blow this whole thing wide open.

I like this poster because it shows off Chris Hemsworth’s sexy side buckle. That’s an important part of the whole outfit. They were all about the asymmetrical hotness back then. People in olden times dressed just like Dave Navarro. Fact.

I think this poster would be cooler if they hadn’t Photoshopped Emily Blunt half to death. And if Charlize Theron was sneaking a finger under the top of her dress up there. Maybe just gently caressing one nipple.

Here’s the first of a new batch of character posters for Key and Peele’s lost-cat movie, Keanu, in which the cat spoofs all the Best Picture nominees. Can you guess this one? Yes, it’s The Martian. Incidentally, “Matt Damon” is also an excellent cat name.

Do you think you would’ve known this was supposed to be The Revenant if they hadn’t given the cat DiCaprio’s hair? Discuss.

I know this is a pretty esoteric critique, but I hate that they left Keanu’s little hat from the other poster on him in this one. Come on, guys, do you not have more than one picture of the cat? I know cats can be hard to take pictures of, but this is a movie about a cat, I’m sure you can manage. I have more than one cat pic on my phone, and I don’t even have a cat.

Same critique as above. If you’re really going to spoof the Big Short poster, I want to see one of these cats looking like Michael Burry, one dressed as Mark Baum, etc.

Incidentally, “MacGuffin” would also be a pretty sweet cat name.

This poster isn’t reinventing the wheel, but my first reaction is to hope that this could be the actually funny version of Grandma. That one’s still rated 91 percent recommended on RottenTomatoes, by the way. You should give it a look if you ever want to see the kind of dull, safe comedy your average film critic enjoys, it’s very enlightening. Anyway, it helps that I love Rose Byrne. Is she the most underrated comedy actress around right now? In Spy, she stole the whole movie.

This has a great cast and a fun poster, but I still can’t get past the fact that James Patterson, master of the airport thriller, writes books about middle school now. It’s like if Danielle Steele decided to write a couple sci-fi novels.

Also, “Griffin Gluck” is my new favorite name.

This Spanish poster for Miracles From Heaven instantly made me laugh. I don’t know whether it was Jennifer Garner’s sideways head and hair helmet, or Dr. Not Billy Bob Thornton back there smiling at nothing in particular like he’s in a genital herpes brochure. Here’s the plot rundown, courtesy of IMDb:

A young girl suffering from a rare digestive disorder finds herself miraculously cured after surviving a terrible accident. Based on the book “Miracles From Heaven” by Christy Beam.

It’s impressive that they got a Christ-y beam right there in the poster. Pret-tay, pret-tay clever.

You’d think Nia Vardalos was the first person to ever have a family.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m extra nauseated by My Big Fat Greek Wedding because I’m an only child from a small family with hardly any fatties. People from big families — does this concept speak to you? I’m honestly curious.

John Corbett looks like he’s in a Viagra ad. By the way, was he the love interest in every female-driven comedy of the ’90s? Nineties ladies loved an Earthy dude who looked he could build you a chicken coop and was still considerate enough to feed you granola in bed.

This character looks like she wandered in off the set of The Nanny.

This definitely looks like a musician biopic poster. Look at the thoughtfulness on that face. That’s the important thing in casting a musician biopic, you need someone who can convey the proper amount of thoughtfulness. Do you think if you’re a musician you have to be serious and thoughtful and cryptic at all times? It seems exhausting.

I’m a sucker for anything Lonely Island, and this poster made me laugh right away. I’m hoping it takes the Bieber parody from Zoolander 2 to another level, and sticks it into a better movie. It seems pretty clear that he’s spoofing Justin Bieber here. I feel so hack for hating Justin Bieber, like I’m booing a pro wrestling heel. And then I just start hating him more for making me feel hack. It’s a vicious cycle.

Every drugged out preppy has shaggy hair and wears Ray Bans, fact. I hope they at least consulted Bret Easton Ellis on this.

As a guy who had to wear braces for three years (THREE FULL YEARS) in middle school, I have a particular appreciation for anything that makes braces look fierce as sh*t.

Using Christ the Redeemer to represent Rio — never saw that coming. I’ve never seen one of these ____, I Love You movies, any good? I guess it’s just that I’m not that into love, or people bragging about their city, and every time someone in a rom-com featurette describes the setting as “like another character in the film” I want to throw my shoe at the screen.

As I’ve said before, judging by the posters for musicals, British and Irish people only seem to sing in front of bricks or on rooftops. Is this close enough to be considered a rooftop? They’re definitely on top of something. Discuss.

Mark Ruffalo is selling that pose so much harder than everyone else. You can see why he got the acting nomination.

Living in a city makes me so jealous of these countryfolk and their wide open spaces. I just hope I can someday save up enough money to afford a mailbox big enough to imprison small women in. It’s the American Dream.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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