This Week in Posters & Stills: A German Shepard in a Mask

Look, I’ve learned a few things about this blogging game, and one lesson I didn’t miss was that if you’ve got a picture of a dog in mask, you lead with that. So this is a still from Kick-Ass 2, featuring Jim Carrey as “Colonel Stars and Stripes.” Matthew Vaughn isn’t directing this one  – Jeff Wadlow, who directed Never Back Down, is – which makes me very skeptical. But if its got dogs in superhero costumes? It’s a start.

Captain Ameridog keeps his identity a secret so his enemies can’t go after his bitches.
[Picture via EntertainmentWeekly]

This poster made me want to look up what the hell the movie was about, and that has to be worth something. Good thing it has the website on the bottom, because the movie doesn’t appear to have an IMDB listing.

American Made Movie is a documentary film examining the factors contributing to the decline of the American manufacturing workforce and the integral role consumerism plays in getting the economy back on track.  The movie looks back on the glory days of U.S. manufacturing when there was a more balanced relationship between the goods produced and consumed, and illustrates how technology and globalization have changed the competitive landscape for companies doing business in America, as well as overseas.  By illustrating the successes of companies that, of their own accord, have prospered without adopting the practices of their competitors, American Made Movie shows the positive impact these jobs can have on national and local economies in the face of great challenges. 

Cool? It doesn’t seem to be made by the “Obama is a Muslin!” people, OR the Oliver Stone Hugo Chavez Appreciation Society, so that’s something. Hard to tell without a trailer though. If it ends up being a black family fighting over Monopoly pieces while Arab music plays, that’s generally a bad thing.
Personally, I prefer this version of the poster:
Haha, take that, lots of big words!
Here’s the poster for Stallone’s Bullet to the Head, that movie where he axe fights Conan. I see he just got the Affliction shirt tattooed directly on his skin for this one. Setting that aside, I can’t decide who has a weirder hairline these days, Stallone or John Travolta.
I like to think “REBELSE PUBER” is a command I yell at my penis. “Stand back, everyone! (*unzips pants*) REBELSE PUBER!” (*wilhelm scream*)
I keep saying this, but animated movies with human characters aren’t half as cute as ones with talking animals. We’ve had “cute” Vikings, “cute” cavemen, “cute” beowulves – bring back the creatures! Monsters University shits on this.
Well with names like Luke Goss and Nestor Carbonell, who wouldn’t go see this generic action movie?
Luke Goss is Hott Goss’s brother, by the way.
I enjoy that weird pose they always make heroines do, where they’re half turned around with their ass presenting, with a look on their face like you surprised them. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in, I was just doing my Kegel exercises.”
Do those guns look especially dong-like or is it just me? By the way, they screened this movie for critics on Thursday night (last night), before a Friday release (I didn’t make mine), which tells you a lot about what the studio thinks of it. I’m not that interested in the film, but I’m dying to know the development process. I get the feeling the filmmakers went into it wanting to make a clever, tongue-in-cheek parody of schlocky fantasy crap, and then the studio gradually sucked out all the cleverness until it was Van Helsing 2.
Ah, what would indie movies be without shame over a demeaning sexual experience? I assume that’s what’s happening here.
This guy imagines stuff! That’s what I got from the poster. But none of the critic quotes called it “lyrical,” “poetic,” or “heartbreaking,” so I’m willing to give it a chance.

A drama centered on an office worker on the verge of retirement who begins to relive both real and imagined memories.

Eh, another dream sequence movie. I don’t know, seems like too many indie filmmakers make dream sequence movies as an excuse to film some weird shit without without having to write an actual story around it. Thing is, there’s already a format for editing together a bunch of over-stylized crap, it’s called the music video.
I hate to say it about the Hydrox White House Down, but this is exactly the kind of over-the-top, jingoistic persecution-complex fantasy of a poster that this movie needs. I guarantee this sells some tickets. They should’ve just made this instead of the Red Dawn remake. This is the logical successor to Red Dawn, not some bullshit about a North Koren invasion. I’m still boycotting this because it doesn’t have C-Tates, but I see what they’re going for.
At least they managed to do the diagonal thing without it looking contrived and ridiculous.
Oh, James Franco, I can’t resist you. Dicknose me. Dicknose me raw. Or, just write me a “poem” about all the famous people you know.
Honest question: Is that supposed to be Mila Kunis? Who the hell is that? And why does her butt look 10 feet wide and shaped like a teardrop? Anyway, so I’m assuming this movie is basically Alice in Wonderland 2, right? I’m always cautiously hopeful for a Sam Raimi movie, but Disney ruins everything.
I just don’t understand the boring-ass posters for Stand Up Guys when they have material like this to work with:
Oh man. I’d forgotten about the “floating head inside silhouette of that character” style of poster. This actually is worse than floating heads, inexplicable diagonals, mismatched names, the rom-com lean, and the close-eyed headbutt put together. Good God why?

This is the poster for Danny Boyle’s Trance. It is definitely a poster for a movie.

An art auctioneer who has become mixed up with a group of criminals partners with a hypnotherapist in order to recover a lost painting.

I used to like Danny Boyle before he started making movies where he just jerked himself off the whole time, like 127 Hours. It’s not reassuring that this one sounds like it involves a heavy flashblack/dream sequence element. It basically sounds like Inception.
Speaking of Inception
Is this that new Green Day album?

[Posters via IMPA]