I know Newsboy Cat here technically isn’t a movie poster, or even movie related, per se, I just thought he’d be more fun to have on the first slide of this post than Will Smith’s dumb face in the Men in Black 3 poster. Newsboy Cat says: “Herringbone is my favorite pattern, AND my favorite flavor. MEE-OW.” |Etsy via LaughingSquid|
THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, Men in Black 3 reminds you of its existence, Paul Rudd parties with sunflowers, Mel Gibson shoots Mexicans, and Armie Hammer saves the day again. Click on to join the party!
Am I the only one upset that the tagline for this isn’t “BLACK IN TIME?” EGAD, MAN, IT WAS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE! HE’S BLACK, AND HE’S GOING BACK IN TIME! TO GIVE THE OLDEN TIMES MORE SWAG! Ugh, I’m dying to see that slogan. And you figure if Martin Lawrence’s Black Knight didn’t use it, it’s never going to happen. At the very least, it should grace a movie poster in Tracy Jordan’s dressing room.
HOLY DOG SH*T, DID THOSE LIMEY SLAPDICKS SNEAK AN EXTRANEOUS “U” INTO MY BELOVED NAVY SEAL MOVIE??? DROP YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS, SEALS, BECAUSE THE QUEEN MUM’S ABOUT TO GET FINGER BANGED THROUGH HER PURDY PINK PANTIES! OOH RAH!
[the movie is spelled “Act of Valor,” presumably this is the British version]
Here we see Taylor Kitsch in Battleship. He does double duty in this week’s This Week in Posters, also starring in John Carter a few slides further. He’s like this year’s Sam Worthington, but arguably a worse actor (from what we’ve seen so far).
In any case, I’m going to be pissed if one of those alien balls back there doesn’t blow up the Eiffel Tower. If I see an alien movie that doesn’t blow up the Eiffel Tower you better believe I’m getting my money back.
Bel Ami: You may not remember the trailer for this I posted a while back, but to refresh your memory, it’s the one where R-Pattz bangs everyone. Now, am I crazy, or does Robert Pattinson somewhat resemble a Tibetan Fox?
Here’s the poster for Bully, the Weinstein Company documentary that recently got slapped with an R-rating (that the company is appealing). Being an R-rated movie, shouldn’t the poster have some tits in it or something? What a gyp. That seems like a better sell. Anyway, stop bullying, y’all. Also stop racism, war, pollution, depression, and incontinence. We can make this world a better place and stuff.
The Cold Light of Day, starring Henry Cavill and Bruce Willis. “INSTINCT IS HIS GREATEST WEAPON.”
Also, his gun. And the fact that he’s Superman. Those are pretty good weapons as well. Look, I’m going to level with you, we’re actually really bad at ranking stuff. Signed, the poster designer.
“There are those who sweep and those who pay others to sweep.” That’s a Polish proverb, right? It has to be. Anyway, I hope this movie focuses more on those who pay others to sweep. The other ones’ lives sound suuuuper boring. The ones who can afford to pay others to sweep, they probably have sweet rides and champagne and sluts and stuff. That sounds way better.
The Trouble with Bliss is that it’s so damn boring the poster designer just slapped the non-famous stars’ floating heads into diagonal squares. Unnecessary diagonals and floating heads strike again! This is so lazy you might as well just write “It’s a movie” in big block letters.
Disney’s Frankenweenie, from Tim Burton! Jeez, I would’ve never guessed this was a Tim Burton movie.
Also, if you didn’t know that was a bone on the headstone, it could be mistaken for a pair of big saggy titties. I’m just saying. I think I know a thing or two about mistaking things for big saggy titties.
I know Mel Gibson has been trying to do some fence-mending as everyone gradually forgets about pack of n-words-gate, but this is ridiculous. I mean, first he makes a movie where he basically gets beat up by Mexicans the whole time to try to ingratiate himself with Latinos, now he shoots his gun sideways in the poster to try to ingratiate himself to the black man? Pathetic. And you’re really biting Channing Tatum’s style.
This poster would probably be super awesome if I’d read the book. That’s what everyone who’s read the book is going to say, just wait. “Oh, you don’t think this looks super awesome? It’s probably because you haven’t read this book aimed at 12-year-olds,” they’ll say, thumbing their their noses and drinking espresso from a sippy cup. “I’m very cultured. I finish the crossword puzzle in Highlights magazine every time I go to the dentist.”
I’ve actually been hearing good things about John Carter from people who’ve seen it, and if that’s the case, Disney should win the Oscar for the worst marketing campaign of all time. Their only strategy seems to be to keep reminding everyone that his name is John Carter. And that’s not even an original name! I think we all know that there’s only one true John Carter.
[thanks to reader Josh for making this]
(*puts on beret, buys baguette, dismissively wanks baguette*)
LAST DAYS HERE tells the story of Bobby Liebling, lead singer of the cult hard rock/heavy metal band Pentagram. Frozen for decades in his parents’ basement, Bobby’s music is finally discovered by the heavy metal underground. With the help of Sean “Pellet” Pelletier, his friend and manager, Bobby attempts to overcome years of addiction, loneliness, and broken dreams. Intimate, raw, and unexpectedly funny, LAST DAYS HERE portrays the unbelievable journey of a man at the crossroads of life and death.
Okay, well I’m sold. Anvil made me cry. I can’t get enough aging metalheads. Except Lars Ulrich, that guy still sucks.
—
Herp.
MAGGIE GRACE! GUY PEARCE! DIAGONAL! WITH SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE!
[You can watch the trailer here. Not exactly original looking, but there’s a certain charm to Guy Pearce’s foul-mouthed John McClaine impression.]
Did I mention shit flying everywhere? There’s also metal stuff. EVERYWHERE. THERE’S SO MUCH METAL SHIT, IT’S LIKE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IS JUST METAL SHIT AS FAR AS THE F*CKING EYE CAN SEE. IF YOU LIKE METAL SHIT EVERYWHERE, THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.
Yep, it looks like a Bob Marley poster alright.
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SIDEWAYS ARMIE HAMMER TO THE RESCUE! HE’S OUR ONLY HOPE! IT SEEMS SOMEONE’S BEEN EATING SHRIMP WITH THE WRONG FORK!
This is neither here nor there, but every time I look at the French dwarf on the left, “Party Rock” starts playing in my head.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that “Spieglein” is German for “Mirror,” which is a shame, because “Spieglein Spieglein” sounds very porn-like.
Also, if it’s spelled “spieglein” because the ei in the second syllable mirrors the ie in the first, that would be freakin’ trippy.
Piranha 3DD: Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D’s.
That is a fantastic tagline. Still, I wish the poster designer had focused more on the double Ds.
Is she looking underwater? Are her glasses pressed up against the surface of the water? How is she seeing all those piranha? And why are they cracked? This poster is just confusing.
Peter and Lorna, a young Silver Lake couple, delve into the underworld of a cult that meets in the San Fernando valley. At the center of the group is an enigmatic young woman named Maggie who never leaves her basement chamber. The members follow Maggie blindly—growing her food, obsessively sanitizing the house, giving her their own blood for transfusions. But why? We follow Peter and Lorna as they smuggle hidden cameras into Maggie’s basement bent on exposing her as a charlatan and freeing the members from her spell.
Either that poster is some kind of inside joke, or it’s incredibly abstract. I was promised bro handshakes, and I see none of that here.
“No rules!” “…Except for every stupid rom-com cliché in history!”
This Must Be The Place: Well it’s going to have to be pretty goddamned charming and stylish to overcome how incredibly creeped out I am by Sean Penn’s goth deer face. I would be less scared by an actual rotting corpse of someone I knew.
“Oh thank God, another Eddie Murphy family comedy!” -No one.
Chris Rock is one of the best stand-up comics of all time (better than Eddie Murphy, IMHO), but I’ve never been particularly excited to see him act. He looks like he’s going to do a really good job in this one though. I think it’s the glasses. Makes him look like he did his homework this time, so to speak.
It would be awesome to hang out in a sunflower field with Paul Rudd, but it would suck if you didn’t have your baggage with you and you had to wear a suit the whole time. That seems like it’d be uncomfortable.
[all posters via IMPA and/or the studio’s website]
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