This week in This Week in Movie Posters begins with A Tale of Two Beanies. Uh, I mean Cell, starring Samuel L. Jackson and John Cusack, who look like they showed up to do a Shane Black movie and then it turned out to be a Stephen King movie. Never bring snark to a zombie fight. In any case, I commend the poster designer for lining up the names with the correct faces, and for presumably not wasting any money on that font. Wait a second, are we sure this isn’t a ’90s computer game? Because that font seems to suggest it is.
The Great Plains lives inside Woody Harrelson. Everything else is just a grey void. Interesting choice there. Though that still doesn’t explain why his face looks all waxy and corpse-like. That might not be thematic.
I can think of probably 100 other actors I’d rather pair with Woody Harrelson in a Western than Liam Hemsworth. (The first 50 are all Kiefer Sutherland in a sequel to The Cowboy Way, but that’s another story.) Anyway, Liam Hemsworth looks more like a cowboy-in-a-Nicholas-Sparks-romance than a cowboy-cowboy. And that gun looks like a droopy boner. Never bring a droopy boner gun in a duel against a guy named “Woody.”
Damn, this looks serious. It’s a good thing all those graphs and numbers are there or else I might never know this was about stocks. I see they also went with a black and green color scheme, which isn’t especially attractive, but accurately mimics computer monitors from 20 years ago. Well done.
Is that Justin Long holding a paintball gun back there? Cool. I like the idea of making fun of paranormal investigators, but Jon Heder seems to be the kiss of death for any movie after Napoleon Dynamite. Poor guy.
Alternately: I think “Ghost Team” could make a great title for a movie about a team up between all the guys/girls that ever “ghosted” you. What are they up to right now, you always wondered. What this movie would presuppose is, maybe they were fighting crime?
And then the poster would be 15 people who look way too cool to ever make time for you.
I’m pretty ambivalent about Lady Ghostbusters (much more because it’s a third Ghostbusters than because it has ladies in it, settle down), but Chris Hemsworth playing the male version of the slutty neuroscientist might make it all worth it. He looks wonderful. No real weapon, his “business” shirt sexy-fied beyond all functional considerations.
Rhys Ifans as a leather-clad, sexually ambiguous sneering guy? Gee, I feel like he’s been playing this same character for 20 years. Possibly even with the same sunglasses. I mean here’s a shot of him from Notting Hill, in 1999, and it feels like it could be from the same movie. I’m weirdly okay with that, by the way. The only thing that bothers me is that he doesn’t seem to age.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I died laughing at Adrian Grenier’s thuper theriouth SEXY COP! And that was before I scrolled down to the guys in scary masks. Where do you even get a skull mask with no mouth like that? It’s probably one store in the city at most. The cops could just check the surveillance tapes. SEXY COPS! would probably never think of that though. I imagine Adrian Grenier just sneaking around a warehouse near the docks because he saw it on TV.
I have to give Disney credit for nailing “high seas adventure” with this new Moana poster. Between Zootopia and this, it seems like Disney animation is really hitting its stride. Oh no, am I going to have to be nice to the Disney weirdos now? Oof.
(The trailer for that is here, by the way).
Speaking of posters that nail exactly what they set out to, here’s the new Neon Demon poster that looks like it could be a David Bowie album.
This is the first of a big batch of posters from Nerve, which seems to be about dares. It’s always funny when an ad has a person golfing in it, and you can tell no one involved in the production — actors, photographer, crew — had golfed before. I think they use the club for dancing? Other than having his hands in theoretically the correct place, Bruno Mars here is doing everything else wrong.
I’m a little curious about what the dare was here. Steal a giant chicken? That seems oddly specific.
I can’t wait until this dude’s dumb glasses fly off and get sucked into the intake. At least dress like you’re going skydiving, good God, man.
Again, what exactly was the dare here? Pee in a urinal? Pee in a urinal without hiking up your dress first? Pee on your dress? “I dare you to pee on your dress. And make it look sexy. That’s it, slower…”
This one is easily the most successful of the batch, both because of the great reaction shot from the guy on the left, and from the height the guy jumping is getting. Look at that air! It’s really something. This guy should try out for the Knicks.
So… America… is a ticking time bomb… because of drugs? AIDS drugs? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, exactly, because people don’t need much reason to stick American flags in a poster. Just ask Oliver Stone.
I still don’t know how I feel about watching a rom-com about the Obamas, Obama fan-fiction, basically. Though if someone ever makes a fictionalized account of one of my dates, I hope it emphasizes my smooth talking and sensuous sex moves.
So there’s a clown van, and it’s covered in blood, and the movie is rated R. This is a Rob Zombie movie, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s about a murderous clown. Guys named “Zombie” tend to be pretty straightforward.
Having now seen Tickled, I can confirm that it’s virtually impossible to depict in a poster. I suppose a Craigslist ad makes sense, though it’s not the most visually intriguing. Which is very much befitting the movie.
“Fear what’s inside!”
What’s that, earthworms? But I was led to believe earthworms were a sign of healthy soil! Dave, what can you tell us about your new special lady? Well, I don’t know much, but I can tell you that her insides are properly aerated.
I normally hate the song title movie titles, but now I’m picturing this guy in the creepy mask singing the Michael Jackson song with his nose partially plugged, and it’s wonderful. You guys should really be up here in my brain with me right now.
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.