This Week In Movie Posters: Jedis, Bruce Lee, Oprah, And Whoopi Goldberg’s 9/11

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Annabelle: Creation, which promises not only another chapter in “The Conjuring Universe,” but also implies that we’ll finally get that origin story for the creepy doll movie we’d all been demanding. Oh look, she came in a box. Look, no one said origin stories for dolls had to be complicated.

Holy hell that is a fierce bowl cut. I know I should be focused on Bruce Lee and the Golden Gate Bridge and that shattered yin-yang down there, but looking at this poster all I can think is how hard it’s going to be to sit through an entire film of Bruce Lee looking like a Dumb and Dumber stand-in.

Whoa, “literally a non-stop thriller?” That’s impressive. But is it any good? I guess we’ll have to wait until it actually ends to get the next pull quote. “Shhh, I’m trying to watch the movie, I’ve been here for weeks!” -Pete Hammond

Civil war quote… “Bushwick…” The Xs over some of the stars… I like that this Bushwick poster is giving us plenty of little hints. And if internet commenters are any indication, I bet the rest of the country is pretty jazzed to declare war against Brooklyn.

Pixar’s Coco looks pretty great, mainly because of the cock-eared doggy with the long tongue. But the posters have also done a great job with the “fun” dead people watching everything you do. These ones in the shadows remind me of the Vesuvius people frozen in time or the shadows burned into the ground or buildings after Hiroshima. Except now they get to haunt as they lived: havin’ a great time! Gotta love a fun-lovin’ ghost, somebody get those ghouls a marg.

Gary Oldman as Winston Churchill sounds bizarre and intriguing. so why are you trying to remind me of Atonement? Talk about harshin’ my mellow.

I guess if you do a movie about Gary Oldman playing Churchill you kind of have to sell the transformation, but I like the V for Victory one better.

Katherine Bigelow doing a movie about the Detroit riots? I am all in for this, even if the poster is boring and that eyebrows kid is in it.

Look out, y’all, Chan and Brosnan be side-eyein’. Honestly, I’m so glad they lined up the faces with the names. It keeps me sane.

I never understand what tiny lens flares everywhere that look like fireflies is supposed to do for us. I guess they indicate wonder? Anyway, everyone in this looks like they just cut a fart and they’re waiting for you to smell it.

I love Goon, so the only way you could temper my excitement for this is to turn the poster 30 degrees sideways for no reason. Is this supposed to imply that we’re falling down after being punched? That’s a little better, but at least tilt it the correct way.

I keep looking at Reese Witherspoon’s calves to see if the negative space between them is supposed to be the silhouette of something. I guess not. Also, she has very long calves. This bad Photoshop is giving me body image issues.

In case you can’t read the writing, this is a photo for Lady Macbeth. The poster isn’t giving us a whole lot of plot, but the color scheme is nice and I would love to own that couch.

If you’re keeping score at home, Chadwick Boseman has previously played Jackie Robinson, James Brown, and now Thurgood Marshall. He’s kind of the go-to guy for biopics of black heroes (and he was a fantastic James Brown). Do you think he’s worried about getting typecast– aw son of a bitch! Josh Gad?! Don’t think you’re going to sneak a Josh Gad by me, you bastards! How do I get rid of this guy? Josh Gad is the acting equivalent of bed bugs.

This might be my favorite poster this week. I appreciate that the designer refused to make it look cheap, just because he was designing a poster for a 9/11 movie starring Whoopi Goldberg, Charlie Sheen, Gina Gershon, and Luis Guzmán. Can you think of a better cast for a serious 9/11 movie? It’s so perfect. You could fill a giant bowl with every actor’s name and draw four at random a thousand times and never find a more random combination than this. My only criticism is that they didn’t put “From the director of the unauthorized Raging Bull sequel,” which is not only true, but let’s be honest, a selling point.

I don’t get this poster. It’s full of white space and the imagery tells me nothing… In fact, it’s so unevocative of anything that it makes me feel like I should know more about it. And in that way it works, because now I’m going to go Google it so I don’t look like an idiot. Fear of looking uncool is the most powerful force in advertising.

Okay, I just Googled it, turns out it was written by Allan Loeb, Hollywood’s most prolific terrible writer. I saw Collateral Beauty, so I’m giving this the hardest possible pass.

Nice– er, almost nice. Aw, dammit.

Is that guy trying to golf in sandals? I don’t know what’s happening here.

I’m guessing Song to Song is the La La Land sequel with Michael Fassbender and Rooney Mara? (*checks Google*) Oh, it’s a Terrence Malick? Did the poster designer know that? She’s going to get sued for making this look like a fun dance party.

Disney’s corporate pep rally D23 was this past week, so naturally we have a new batch of Star Wars: The Last Jedi posters. These all seem very cloak-centric.

Before these minimalist brush stroke posters I’m not sure I ever connected The Last Jedi to The Last Samurai. Tom Cruise should be in this.

There are a few more of these, but I think I’ve run out of things to say about red capes on grey backgrounds.

If you like Caesar making that angry frown face you should definitely see the movie because he does that the entire time. Can a CGI ape get nominated for worst actor?

These War For The Planet Of The Apes posters are operating on the same level as the Only Living Boy In New York posters, where I keep thinking these are a reference to something I should recognize. But nope, they really are just weirdly-cropped, semi-random stills from the movie. They do look nice though.

I guess it’s a testament to the movie that stills apparently chosen at random look moderately intriguing.

Is that some kind of quilting sports jersey with a number on it? I saw the movie and never noticed that.

James Bond meets Fargo? Yes, please.

I don’t know anything about A Wrinkle In Time, so to me it just looks like an Oprah version of Tomorrowland, but I appreciate the literalness of the visual. That being said, how is there no Oprah face? If Oprah does something, I expect to see her name and face repeated at least six times.