The trailer for Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain is finally here

Aftah da jump, Mahky Mahk an his shawt little fackin’ t-rex ahms stahs in the new trailah fa Pain & Gain, from that directah wit the queah haiyah who makes the transfawmahs movies. Back in the days when he was still busy beatin up awriental shawpkeepahs, befahr his brothah gawt famous from his queah music, we always told Mahky he should be a bawdy buildah. “Mahky,” me and guinea Mike usta tell ’em, “the amount of muscle you could pack on those shawt little ahms a yoahs, you could be a regulah Lou Ferrigner!” But he nevah listened, just wanted ta sing his rap sawngs and take pictahs with his hands down his undahpants. Shuwah, he’s a famous movie stah now, but wit the right trainin, he coulda been the white Rawnie Coleman. Now hereey is, doin’ a bawdybuildin movie with the Rawk, and awl I can think is “I toldya so. Me an Guinea Mike, we fackin’ toldya so, Mahky.”

I heard Mahky Mahk woulda stawpped nine eleven, except his ahms were too shawt ta unbuckle his seat belt. Woulda prawbly just sat theyah, drinkin chawklit flavahed mass gainah from an extra lawng strawr.

Michael Bay sure is good at making things look pretty, isn’t he? This could actually be pretty good if he deferred some of the storytelling decisions and actor direction to someone else. But who are we kidding, of course he didn’t.

“I don’t change my style for anybody. Pussies do that.” –Michael Bay.