Twilight vampire baby doll makes a perfect gift for a rational person

Twilight fans, who’ve been known to do things like make replica Bella wombs out of felt, and get attacked by their cats named Renesmee, can now celebrate their love of abstinence parables with custom-made sparkling vampire baby dolls, courtesy of Etsy user Bean Shanine.

Love Twilight? how about your very own red eyed newborn twilight vampire reborn baby!
You choose the details..created out of the Lulu reborn kit with twilight red eyes
The pictures are just examples of what your vampire baby can look like. The baby laying down is the lulu kit. Lulu has a partially open mouth just perfect for little vampire fangs!

You will get your twilight reborn baby made with:
– Genesis heat set paints so your baby will look beautiful for eternity
– Red glass eyes
– Vinyl arms and legs, vinyl head
– Painted in many many layers for 3D skin
– Doe suede body for easy positioning
– Stuffed with pollyfill
– Pollypellets used for a squishy tooshie
– Tiny glass beads used for real baby weight from 6lbs to 8lbs

It’s hard to know what the most disturbing aspect of that was. The “beautiful for eternity” definitely gave me a Mrs. Havisham/Possum Kingdom kind of vibe, but the “for easy positioning” was arguably more cryptic. And of course there’s always the oddly sanitized “squishy tooshie,” not to mention the implication that that would be something you look for in a doll. “Should I buy this doll, Henry?” “Wait, Margaret, squish its tooshie first, make sure it’s ripe!”

The message of Twilight here is that if you practice abstinence, you’ll eventually be rewarded with a sparkling white baby with special powers, whereas if you succumb to ethnic temptation, you get one with too much body hair that sweats too much and stinks. But just because you have a sparkling white baby, you’re not out of the woods yet, because the sweaty ethnic types will try to f*ck it. It is truly the love story of our times.