Having to sit on the sidelines while Burnsy wrote up that last story about Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Whitey Bulger gave me a serious case of Boston-vernacular blue balls. BUT GUESS WHAT, CAWKSUCKAH! MAHKY MAHK JUST OPENED HIS FACKIN’ BURGAH RESTRINT, AND I’M HEAH TA COVER IT! POW! FEEL IT, FEEL IT!
Seriously though, remember “Wahlburgers?” The restaurant chain that Mark and Donny Wahlberg decided to start discovered in New York and stole for their brother, Paul (pictured, center)? Well, it had its gala opening last night in Hingham Shipyard. AND I CAN EXCLUSIVELY REPAWT THAT THEY SERVE THE BEST FACKIN BURGAHS IN MASS! RIGHT NEAH DA FACKIN’ HAHBAH! ALL THE MOVIE STAHS AND SAWX PLAYAHS WERE THEYAH! IT WIZ LIKE THE ENTOURAGE OF BURGAH JOINTS, ONLY MOAH CLASSIAH!
The brothers Wahlberg – at least a few of them – joined mom Alma at last night’s opening of Wahlburgers, the clan’s new “casual food” franchise in Hingham.
“At least a few of them?” There were four in the pictures – Mark, Donny, Paul, and Jim – how many goddamn brothers are there? These Irish, they’re like pale, drunk Mexicans. (Factual note: there are nine Wahlberg siblings).
“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing a menu that includes a Triple Decker. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)
Triple deckah, like owah house! Awl owah burgahs ah named aftah facets of owah Wahlberg childhood. WAITAH! BRING ME A DELINQUENCY MELT WITH EXTRA SHOUTING! MAHKY’S GONNA THROW IT AT AN AWRIENTAL!
And it may be just the beginning. Donnie, his arm around brother Paul, the chef at Wahlburgers and the adjacent Alma Nova, acknowledged that he’d like to open a place near Fenway, and Mohegan Sun is a possibility.
I ENVISION AT LEAST FOAH HUNDRED WAHLBURGAH FRANCHISES! ONE EACH FOAH EVRY HAHD ON FROM THE OLD NEIGHBAHOOD — TAWMMY, SNAWTLIPS, FRUITY PETE, DOZAH, CHEECH, LAHDASS MIKE, DAWNNY, PAULY, MIKEY, RAWNY, WOP RAWNY, DAHKY RICH, PISS TRAWFF, STINKFIST, AN THE WEEZ.
Paul wouldn’t comment on reports that a reality show is also in the works, [though] Mark did dish on the show, saying he envisions a “docu-drama about building a real business” not “Jersey Shore.”
THIS IS LIKE ENTOURAGE WIT BURGAHS! NAWT THOSE DAGOS WHO DRINK AWL NIGHT AND WEWK IN RESTRINTS!
There were a few hundred fans waiting outside, most of whom were female – and partial to Donnie. Gabby Kolaci, Jaclyn Rooney, Emma Ierardi, Nicole Savage, and Allie Scarpa – a pack of 15-year olds from Brookline – were decked out in New Kids on the Block gear and clutching their cameras on the sidelines. [Boston.com — Thanks to Spencer for the tip]
Time out, 15-year-olds are still into New Kids on the Block? Who knew I could go to Mass and hit on high school chicks using all the same references. Anyway, I bet the burgers are wicked good. I mean, Marky Mark has never steered me wrong before. And if they don’t serve a sausage sandwich with some kind of Boogie Nights reference, it seems like that’d be a missed opportunity.
UPDATE: Urban Daddy has the actual menu. The kids menu actually has a “Smahlbuger,” and they call their cheese “government cheese.” BURGAHS UP, LOOZAH! OWAH WELFAYAH FOOD IS THE TASTIEST!