Opening Everywhere: Men in Black 3, Chernobyl Diaries, Moonrise Kingdom
Never Heard of It: Mighty Fine
FilmDrunk Suggests: Well looky here – for once me and Vince agree on something. I don’t think Men in Black 3 will be a bad movie at all, and Vinnie thought it wasn’t bad. BOOM! Go see it because it’s not Battleship, which I will be seeing next week for *wink wink* certain obligations.
Men in Black 3
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Adding to the list of misfires is Emma Thompson as Agent O, who replaces Rip Torn as the head of the M.I.B. agency. Seemingly intended to add spice as Agent K’s is-she-or-isn’t-she love interest, the actress is hopelessly wasted.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post (I’ll take “Things I will also be tonight” for $500, Alex.)
“As in most successful fantasy blockbusters, there’s a comfortable balance between technological wizardry and human talent—for all the eye-popping special effects, one of the chief pleasures here is Brolin’s impeccable mimicry of Jones’s weary West Texas drawl. “ – J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader (Translated: Pay $15 to see Josh Brolin’s Tommy Lee Jones impression.)
Armchair Analysis: Sure, this film was made because it’s a cash cow. Sure, Will Smith is receiving a small fortune for making it, regardless if it bombs or not. And sure, I want to smack Josh Brolin in his incredibly charming face when he says in interview after interview that he wanted to do this movie because he loves the first two. But I still enjoy the first two MIB films, so I don’t really have anything negative to say. I mean, I’m not going to rush out to see it, but I’ll end up seeing it. And then I’ll probably say, “That was good, but I can’t wait for The Dark Knight Rises because I hear that Robin is a girl.”
Chernobyl Diaries
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“But in ‘Chernobyl Diaries,’ directed by Bradley Parker, stupidity is taken to extremes. Oren Peli, who wrote and directed the much-smarter ‘Paranormal Activity,’ co-wrote the script and is credited with the story, and ought to know better.” – Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic (Goodykoontz? Awesome.)
“Of course, pinching a premise from a cult classic is the least of the cinematic offenses found in this stillborn horror creation, as the wretched acting, moronic dialogue, and general void found in the picture causes far more irritation than simple déjà vu.” – Brian Orndorf, BrianOrndorf.com (No mainstream critics reviewed this film.)
Armchair Analysis: Is this a found footage movie? I haven’t even bothered to check. It looks like it is, so screw this. Until the producers of these films agree to make my found footage retelling of a historical atrocity, The Donner Farty starring Kevin James, I simply cannot endorse another one of these films.
Moonrise Kingdom
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
I’m not posting review quotes of this because of course every mainstream critic is going to blow Wes Anderson, as am I in 3… 2…
Armchair Analysis: If there’s two guys I’d love to party with, they’re Bill Murray and Bruce Willis. Tighten my scarf and loosen my skinny jeans, because Wes Anderson films make it a little difficult for me to ride my fixed gear bike, if you know what I mean.
Mighty Fine
Starring: Chazz Palminteri, Andie MacDowell
My Guess: Let’s see, I’m thinking Chazz and Andie are a retired mob couple in witness protection, but things have gotten pretty boring for them since their old days of racketeering and bootlegging. Especially in the bedroom! But that all changes when they hire a new pool boy – played by an Idris Elba type – and he helps Chazz reignite the spark in their sex life after teaching him that she’s… mighty fine.
Actual Plot: “Set in the 1970s, Mighty Fine is the story of Joe Fine, a charismatic, high-spirited man, who relocates his family-wife Stella, daughters Nathalie and Maddie – from Brooklyn to New Orleans, in search of a better life. Joe’s devotion to his family knows no bounds, and he seeks to provide them with the ultimate in the good life, from a palatial home to a steady string of extravagant gifts. Unfortunately, Joe’s spending spree is wildly out of touch with reality, as his apparel business is teetering on the brink of collapse, a fact he refuses to accept. Mighty Fine ultimately shows how coming to terms with the past without judgment is the most fruitful way to move toward the future.”
Verdict: Mighty Fine, because he’s Joe Fine! Get it? DO YOU F*CKING GET IT??? *blows brains out*