Opening Everywhere: One Direction: This Is Us, Getaway, Closed Circuit
Opening Somewhere: Passion, The Lifeguard
Movie That I Excluded Last Week Even Though It’s Not Playing Anywhere Near Me: Short Term 12
FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m actually really excited to see Getaway, because I’ve been salivating over this movie for my Worst Movies list ever since I read that Selena Gomez plays a computer whiz simply named, “The Kid.” That this film stars Ethan Hawke and not Nic Cage blows my mind, but the commercials still make me giddy as hell every time they play.
One Direction: This Is Us
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 73% critics, 80% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The fact is that they are as criminally cute as a basketful of puppies. This Is Us manages to frame that boyish appeal astutely … – David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer
“One Direction: This Is Us” leaves the larger questions it points toward teasingly unexplored, making the film little more than a harmless keepsake. – Mark Olsen, Los Angeles Times
Armchair Analysis: I don’t know if it’s because it was directed by Morgan Spurlock or because I’m just slipping in my old age, but I don’t mind One Direction nearly as much as I typically loathe pop stars. I think it definitely helps them that Justin Bieber has developed into such a colossal sh*thead and these vanilla ice cream dorks just seem to do their things and not harm anyone. Hell, even Harry Styles and his punchable face have won me over because of his penchant for getting hit in the balls by random objects. Plus, he pissed off Taylor Swift, and I just appreciate the hell out of that.
Getaway
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 2% critics, 55% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The only participant to emerge with its reputation intact–though not its paint job–is the Shelby Mustang muscle car, which also delivers the film’s most nuanced and psychologically complex performance. – Christopher Orr, The Atlantic
Getaway has some of the crass trappings of a charmingly crass, go-for-broke action pic like the delightful Crank. But it’s too dumb – and far too cynical about what audiences want – to even know how to have fun with them. – Adam Markovitz, Entertainment Weekly
Armchair Analysis: Again, SELENA GOMEZ PLAYS A COMPUTER EXPERT NAMED “THE KID.” Someone paid money to make this movie. Several people might pay money to see it. Look, I’m a blue-blooded American male and Gomez’s new “I’m a sexy adult” routine works for me, but she should have stayed far, far away from this one.
Closed Circuit
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 45% critics, 51% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The lawyers are supposed to be former lovers, but the film doesn’t allow the leads to display any chemistry; likewise, it doesn’t generate any suspense from its tried-and-true conspiracy premise. – Ben Sachs, Chicago Reader
It’s a film that eschews intrigue and insinuation for government agents who monologue about the dangers of free speech and fair trials while garroting their victims. – Barbara VanDenburgh, Arizona Republic
Armchair Analysis: I saw a commercial for this and immediately forgot about it.
Passion
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 38% critics, 30% audience (OUCH)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
I have no objection to DePalma laughing at himself. But his heart’s not in it. Neither is his libido. Passion lacks the promise of its title. It’s dead inside. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
“Passion” is often sleek and enjoyable, dispensing titillation, suspense and a few laughs without taking itself too seriously. – A.O. Scott, New York Times
Armchair Analysis: This is the movie that has Noomi Rapace and Rachel McAdams making out. I’d be excited about that, but I’ve seen Black Swan like 2,000 times now, so this better be really good.
The Lifeguard
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 13% critics, 34% (OUCH TIMES INFINITY)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The central character simply comes across as whiny and entitled instead of troubled and dark, and the central theme of getting your groove back by acting like a kid again has been done many times by much more talented filmmakers. – Kyle Smith, New York Post
The movie’s being billed in some quarters as a comedy, which is a hell of a stretch given that the plot expands to take in statutory rape and teen suicide. – Ty Burr, Boston Globe
Armchair Analysis: I said it before and I’ll say it again – this movie looks creepy as hell. I don’t really want to see any actress – even geek queen Kristen Bell, who I admittedly just don’t get – having an affair with a high school boy. It’s just weird.
Short Term 12
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 98% critics, 87% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
An emotionally authentic examination of the lives of those who live in and work at a children’s home where the lines between the inhabitants and the caretakers isn’t as clear as one might suppose. – James Berardinelli, ReelViews
“Short Term 12” is that rare movie gutsy enough to tell the truth about love: that it’s not a poetic longing or a magical-thinking happy ending, but a skill. And, the film suggests, we all have the capacity to learn it. – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: I received a message through the UPROXX tubes last week that I should have included this movie in last week’s WMG because it’s better than The Mortal Instruments. Well, for starters, everything is better than The Mortal Instruments, but this movie appears to only be in theaters in New York City and Los Angeles. I try to only include movies with wide or limited-but-on-demand openings, in case you’re ever wondering why my choices are sometimes so limited. But if I ever miss a movie, feel free to let me know and I’ll add it, and if you live in one of those cities, let me know how this is, because I’d like to see it eventually.