Weekend Movie Guide: Our Idiot Afraid Of Zoe Saldana Swinging

It’s a pretty tame weekend at the box office, but if you’re a fan of Paul Rudd and Zoe Saldana’s hot self, then you should be content with the meager offerings. Or, if you’re a fan of cheesy horror TV show remakes, you can go watch Katie Holmes talk out of the side of her mouth, then punch yourself in the balls and go watch Fright Night, because it was awesome.

Our Idiot Brother

Rotten Tomatoes: 67%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Rashida Jones is PERFECT as the lesbian lawyer sister in law and I’m not just saying that because the idea of her and Zooey getting it on excites me sexually.” – Vince. I just wanted to point out that he gave a B+ review to a movie that gives us an opening to imagine Zooey Deschanel and Rashida Jones cranking Tegan & Sara’s “Call It Off” while they perfect the alphabet method.

“A movie like this hinges on the appeal of the idiot. Fortunately, Rudd commits to the role, never stooping to stupidity or inching toward irony. Ned, dressed in equal parts cotton, hemp and scruff, is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy. (I love that he comes out of prison in exactly the same bearded, unkempt state in which he entered.) If you want something heavier, there’s always Dostoyevsky.” – Chris Knight, National Post

Armchair Analysis: Paul Rudd owes us all for Dinner For Schmucks, so I would hope that with this cast – and despite all of Vince’s complaints – Our Idiot Brother is a winner. At least it should be enjoyable. Otherwise, I want a Nude Tayne short opening up for Wet Hot American Summer 2.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

Rotten Tomatoes: 56%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Size shouldn’t matter when it comes to scary creatures. After all, plenty of people are terrified of rats and spiders. Yet savage and ugly as the tiny monsters are in “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” they’re not as frightening as the filmmakers would have you believe. These wee beasties are not all that interesting, either, and frankly, neither is the movie.” – David Germain, Associated Press

“Building a mood, creating an accumulating sense of dread – that’s hard work, difficult to achieve. And “Dark,” despite its ambitions and its artistry, is only partially successful. Evil eventually takes physical form, and when it does, the air goes out a bit.” – Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News

Armchair Analysis: I read that this film is based on an old TV movie. I don’t really care. I’m going to keep hammering home my main point – if you want to see an entertaining horror film this weekend, go watch Fright Night. The only way a Katie Holmes horror movie could scare me is if she reveals that Tom Cruise actually put his penis in her.


Rotten Tomatoes: 46%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This B-movie blast of bloody blam blam is the latest chapter in the Luc Besson book of badly bruised lovelies who are better not crossed. What he began in 1990 with ‘La Femme Nikita,’ followed with ‘Léon’ in ’94 and ’97′s ‘The Fifth Element,’ (the last written with Robert Mark Kamen, who co-wrote ‘Colombiana’ with the B-man), he refines in ‘Colombiana.’” – Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times

“This is a showy flower of an action film. Saldana doesn’t get much of a chance to emote, but her action skills blossom.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Armchair Analysis: There’s not much that Luc Besson could create that I wouldn’t want to see, but everything that I’ve read about Colombiana thus far has carried the waft of the fart. I’m still going to see it, because I’m a man who loves breasts and guns, so excuse me while I log into Fandango.

Swinging with the Finkels

Rotten Tomatoes: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The silly sex jokes are expected. The “morning after” regrets are even more obvious (making the second half of the film particularly slow-paced and unfunny). And, except for one tiny twist, the ending is most predictable of all. What is surprising is the number of insensitive racial jokes. They seem to come of out nowhere, given the film’s emphasis on gender and sexual issues. Director Jonathan Newman has no one to blame but himself, since he also wrote the script.” – Eric Monder, Film Journal

“I love Martin Freeman, I really do, but what the hell is this shit?” – Maryann Johanson, Flick Filosopher

Armchair Analysis: I expect that the 0% is because nobody has reviewed this film on RT yet, but just from the trailer and the early reviews, it smells like a baby diaper. In fact, I only included this limited release because of my love for Martin Freeman and my strange faith in Mandy Moore (I seriously loved Saved). I’m just disappointed in the lazy idea, I guess.