Opening Everywhere: RED 2, RIPD, Turbo, The Conjuring
Opening Somewhere: Only God Forgives, Girl Most Likely
FilmDrunk Suggests: I believe I’m one of the few people on this planet not directly involved with the making of the film RIPD that is holding out hope for it to not suck terribly and be a basic clone of Men in Black, as we’ve all been led to believe. Other than that, I’m more than excited for RED 2, as a fan of the original movie and Warren Ellis’ comic series that is obviously nothing like the film. So go see that so they’ll earn a ton of money and make RED 3.
RED 2
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 36% critics, 77% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The best thing about RED 2, like its predecessor, is its lightness of tone. Too many movies with comic-book roots come on too seriously, even when the comics themselves have a loose, fast, jocular wit about them.” – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
“It’s quite possible that Helen Mirren has never had to speak such terrible dialogue in her life.” – Adam Nayman, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: I just love the dipsh*t critics who think that RED 2, like the original, is supposed to be anything other than an exercise is some old people kicking a lot of ass around the globe. Oh how their sphincters must tighten with excruciating pain every time John Malkovich fires a bullet into the direct center of a rocket. If you hate it, you hate it. Go enjoy Despicable Me 2 and let the rest of us have fun.
RIDP
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 12% critics, 67% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Perhaps there was a clever germ of an idea here, but the five credited writers didn’t develop characters, scenarios or rules in this sci-fi world well enough to engage the audience.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today
“As a major undertaking with clear sequel ambitions, there’s just not enough new and exciting here to cut it; when the brief 96-minute running time is one of its two or three only virtues, you know you’re in trouble.” – Todd McCarthy, Hollywood Reporter
Armchair Analysis: I guess I’m just firmly entrenched in the “Jeff Bridges can do no wrong” camp and am wishing that there’s something even somewhat redeemable about RIPD.
Turbo (opened Wednesday)
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 67% critics, 78% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“A derivative but nevertheless good-hearted movie that’s peppered with enough clever touches to engage adults as well as moviegoers of the smaller, squirmier variety.” – Jen Chaney, Washington Post
“Let’s face it: Kids aren’t a very demanding audience. If there’s color, movement, and a high quotient of silliness, they’re happy.” – David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer
Armchair Analysis: I don’t ever like to rip on kid’s movies unless they’re stupid, repetitive sequels, but this one just looks dumb.
The Conjuring
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 83% critics, 90% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It scared the living crap out of me. Only at the movies is that a compliment. So kudos to The Conjuring for putting fresh fire into the overworked haunted-house genre.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
“’The Conjuring’ depends more on its excellent cast and atmospheric direction than cheap gimmicks to raise hairs on the back of your neck. Which it does, quite frequently.” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post
Armchair Analysis: I’m honestly pleased that so many people seem to like a horror film for once. Although, I still absolutely loathed the commercials that featured the people that this “true story” supposedly happened to. Okay, Hollywood, my house is haunted, too. Give me money and I’ll tell you all about the scary stuff that happened.
Only God Forgives
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 32% critics, 60% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Where Drive shrewdly mystifies, Only God Forgives stupefies. You can see its gears grinding. But I’ll always hang on for a rare talent like Refn. Even when he stumbles, he leaves you eager to see what he’s up to next.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
“It’s possibly the least glamorous and also least interesting role Gosling has ever had. It’s not likely to expand his fan base much, or Refn’s for that matter.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star
Armchair Analysis: This is the movie that some people at Cannes allegedly booed, so I wrote that some people booed it and then people complained that I was acting like everyone booed it, even though I only wrote that some people booed it. It’s almost like Internet commenters don’t always read before they comment.
Girl Most Likely
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 15% critics, 66% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Wiig finds herself sadly outmatched in this comedy crammed with wacky and tacky characters-types, all of them-in which she’s stuck functioning as the uptight, frustrated straight woman in the middle.” – Christy Lemire, RogerEbert.com
“Kristen Wiig delivers another adorkable star turn in ‘Girl Most Likely,’ which works until it doesn’t.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: This movie looks depressing. That is all.