Weekend Movie Guide: The Hell That I Have Chosen

Opening Everywhere: That’s My Boy, Rock of Ages

Opening Wherever, I don’t Care: Your Sister’s Sister

Never Heard of It: The Girl from the Naked Eye

FilmDrunk Suggests: Dudes, why bother?

That’s My Boy

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 20% critics, 71% audience, 100% me questioning that audience number

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Watching Sandler in That’s My Boy, his latest assault on subtlety, good taste, and other values that we critics like to trash the star for dumping on, I can’t say that I laughed a lot (though when I did laugh, it was big and loud). But on some level I marveled at the conviction that Sandler pours into playing a character like Donny Berger, a boneheaded, loud-mouthed alcoholic loser from Boston.” – Owen Gleiberman, EW (Yeah, Sandler’s a regular icon of conviction and artistic integrity.)

“The promise of the film lies in the interplay between Sandler and Samberg, but Samberg’s character is all tension and nerves, which works against his natural talents. He ends up coming off flat. And Sandler’s Berger is the most loutish, annoying character he’s come up with since ‘Little Nicky.’ Nicky came from hell; viewers of ‘That’s My Boy’ will feel like they’re in it.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: As I’ve previously stated, I’m going to see That’s My Boy this weekend and I will have a full review on Monday. I’m not excited about this, but it needs to be done. Wish me luck.

Rock of Ages

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 43% critics, 67% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The hair-metal musical ‘Rock of Ages’ is hoping for a repeat by top-billing Cruise as Stacee Jaxx, frontman for a rock band called Arsenal. Cruise once again steals the show, but this time he drives it straight off a cliff.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday

“Rock of Ages, based on Chris D’Arienzo’s Broadway musical, can’t seem to decide on how to play its simplistic story — straight or farcically. It ends up half-mocking, half-revering the era.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Armchair Analysis: I’m just like any other frat bros and dude’s dudes – I love the music of the 80s when I’m out having a good time, and if the Three Olives is flowing just right, I’ll gladly join a “Paradise City” sing-along. But that does not mean I want to watch Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin pretend they’re 80s rock scenesters while destroying songs that pop culture has already spent the last 20 years destroying. Meanwhile, everything I’ve read about this film seems to suggest that Tom Cruise is the best part about it, while not being all that great. No thanks.

Your Sister’s Sister

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 86% critics, 78% audience, 0% Swingers who were “totes mislead, bro”

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Your Sister’s Sister is lovely to watch, and not just because of the dialogue. Shelton allows cinematographer Ben Kasulke to showcase the misty beauty of the Pacific Northwest setting.” – Ian Buckwalter, The Atlantic (*sniffs* Hmmmm, do I detect dragonberry in this microbrew?)

“Very little is simple in ‘Your Sister’s Sister’ — not the emotions, the naturalistic tone or the unstudied, easygoing performances. But the film’s pleasures are.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post

Armchair Analysis: I like Mark Duplass (The League) a lot, because he’s an “every man” type that craps on the long-standing belief that leading men need to have rock hard abs and chiseled jaws. I mean, I still have both of those, but it’s natural. At heart, I’m just a normal, really handsome guy. Other than that, I can’t say I’ll be in a rush to see this, but it will be on my Netflix queue.

The Girl from the Naked Eye

Starring: Jason Yee, Sasha Grey, Dominique Swain

My Guess: Who cares? The other day, I was watching Face/Off, because I will always stop whatever I am doing and watch that terrible heap of awful awesomeness, and I wondered whatever happened to Dominique Swain. And look at her still going, starring in what I’m guessing is a martial arts film about girls who like to be choked and punched during sex.

The Actual Plot: “When a high-class escort is murdered, her protector, Jake (Yee) stops at nothing to find her killer. Leaving a bloody trail in his path, Jake risks everything to uncover the truth and avenge the death of the woman he loved. The Girl from the Naked Eye takes audiences through a thrilling action-packed ride in the underground world of sex and drugs where nothing is what it seems and everything is deadly.”

The Verdict: As I’ve mentioned a few times before, despite her well-known fondness for being punched in the stomach and strangled during sex, I still have a little crush on Sasha Grey. So I’d probably watch this.