Opening Everywhere: Identity Thief, Side Effects
Opening In IMAX: Top Gun
FilmDrunk Suggests: Rex Reed says that by paying for a ticket to see Identity Thief, you’re supporting America’s problem with obesity. He also says that your mom is “built like a brontosaurus dick” and that she “lubes with mayonnaise”. His words, not mine. So go see Channing Tatum in Side Effects.
Top Gun: An IMAX 3D Experience
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 53% critics, 80% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“There are elements that hold up – especially Cruise’s blinding charisma. The aerial scenes are still thrilling, and perfectly suited to a giant screen. Everything else? Well, that depends on how nostalgic you’re feeling.” – Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News
“Whether you love Top Gun or hate it — or hate yourself for loving it — the fact is that when it became the top-grossing film of 1986, Hollywood in its infinite wisdom took all of the worst lessons from its success and overlooked what made it so… fun.” – Chris Nashawaty, EW
Armchair Analysis: Yo, check it out, I’m gonna be real for a second – Top Gun is an awful movie. From start to finish, and only excluding Val Kilmer’s awesome jaw click, Top Gun is simply terrible. We live in a country full of people who love to revise history and point out how people who we once believed were heroes were actually villains, so I’m going to do the same with this bad film. But check it…
IRON EAGLE WAS THE MOTHER F*CKING JAM!
/slides cassette into player strapped to leg, flies off
Side Effects
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 85% critics, 70% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The main thing to keep in mind while watching Steven Soderbergh’s playful new thriller is not to take the movie too seriously or else you’ll feel betrayed by the end.” – Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald
“In some ways the film is more traditional than you think it will be, becoming a psychological puzzle piece. But Soderbergh lays the puzzle out so neatly, you can’t help but be engrossed.” – Tom Long, Detroit News
Armchair Analysis: I haven’t seen Side Effects yet, so don’t act like I’m spoiling anything, but I think that C-Tates gets killed. If he does, that’s mad sad, son. RIP C-Tates.
Identity Thief
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 26% critics, 76% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“’Identity Thief’ is a cheap copy of much better comedies.” – Richard Roeper
“Thanks to McCarthy’s abundant comic gifts and those of her equally ill-served straight man Jason Bateman, Identity Thief doesn’t leave nearly as icky a taste as it could have, but Gordon only taps into a fraction of his actors’ potential.” – Dana Stevens, Slate
Armchair Analysis: Okay, so here’s the thing that I didn’t really get into earlier when I called shitbag Rex Reed a shitbag for calling Melissa McCarthy a “Tractor-sized” “hippo” – Identity Thief looks God awful. Every time I see a commercial and she sings, “Barracuda” I want to throw a shoe at my TV. Haha, she’s singing “500 Miles”? That’s crazy! What a crazy song! Remember that song? Haha, relevant writing!
But you ain’t gotta go baggin’ on her weight just because you don’t like the movie. She makes fun of her weight on her own, so what’s the point in calling her a hippo unless you’re just mean? You can make fun of the gimmick all you want – See: Everything we have ever written about Kevin James – but the fact remains that Rex Reed is still just an old, cranky dick.