Opening on Earth and Uranus: John Carter, A Thousand Words, Silent House, Friends with Kids
FilmDrunk Suggests: John Carter. Just go see it. It was expensive to make, so Disney needs your money.
John Carter
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 50% critics, 72% audience, 66% intergalactic porn fetishists
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“I don’t usually bring up a film’s budget in a review, but the reported $250 million price tag for ‘John Carter’ gives one pause. I suppose one could argue that masterpieces have no price. Then again, ‘John Carter’ is no masterpiece.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor
“You want to know more about this world, the lives and causes on it, and how it will all end. In those final moments of screen light, Martian and Earther will blend, and you’ll find yourself wanting to go back, wanting to know more.” – Our home slice Laremy Legel, Film.com
Armchair Analysis: I’m excited to see this one. Remember, while Vince hated Cowboys and Aliens, I loved it (Hi, Damon Lindelof!) because I was able to read a title like Cowboys and Aliens and think, “Well this should be entertaining if I pay $12 expecting a film about cowboys fighting aliens and don’t get lost in silly plot details like where they keep getting all of their bullets or bad acting.” I hope to enjoy a movie about a Civil War soldier who somehow winds up on Mars, fighting an alien race bent on dominating our universe. Call me crazy.
A Thousand Words
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 0% critics, 66% audience, 1% people still holding out for another Beverly Hills Cop movie
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The picture is yet another one of those gimmicky comedies in which some shallow self-centered guy has, for no particular reason, a spell put on him that causes him to tell the truth, switch bodies with a friend or do something equally inconvenient.” – Stephen Whitty, The Star-Ledger
“More bland than actively bad, ‘A Thousand Words’ has a few nice moments. Curtis, Washington and Clark Duke (as Jack’s wanna-be assistant and, later, surrogate mouth) do what they can with the sit-com script. Sure, there are cheap sex gags and broad slapstick routines, but the movie seems sincere about its self-help-book moral.” – Mark Jenkins, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: Remember when Eddie Murphy said he was done making cheesy kids films and wanted to get back to the stuff that we originally loved him for? Yeah, neither do I.
Silent House
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 49% critics, 51% audience, 80% of the actors’ parents
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The film maintains its air of mystery without descending into boggy incoherence. The sly script doesn’t seem to be parceling out plot information, but it is, as you will eventually come to see. There’s a lot of clever obfuscation going on here. It’s often impossible to tell if something is happening now, in decades past, or in the land of make-believe.” – Colin Covert, Star Tribune
“This time out, they’ve aimed for a bigger thematic target and deployed a bigger cinematic gimmick: Like Hitchcock’s Rope, the entire movie unfolds in a single shot. Or at least it purports to. When not guessing the finish, you might have some further fun spotting where the directors have fudged and cheated that sole take.” – Rick Groen, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: Oh great, it’s another haunted house movie. I can’t wait to see what brilliant new ways they’ve developed for ghosts and creatures to climb out of mirrors and drag people down hallways. Someone get the Academy on the phone and tell them to start polishing Oscar statues.
Friends with Kids
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 62% critics, 61% audience, 100% St. Louis Cardinals fans who want to be best friends with Jon Hamm
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Scott, who helped liven up Will Ferrell’s ‘Step Brothers,’ here looks completely dead-eyed, as if he secretly hates the person he’s playing. It’s impossible to see how he would attract even a punching bag like Julie (played by Westfeldt as a kind of Aniston-Zellweger combo plate).” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (Is he implying that Step Brothers would have sucked without Adam Scott?)
“The film makes sharp observations about married life, the responsibility of raising children, the pressure of dating, and more. The candid sexual conversations define this as a film made by, and for, adults…but who says grownups don’t want romantic fulfillment in movies? That’s where writer-director Westfeldt becomes surprisingly traditional.” – Leonard Maltin, whom I call Leo in person
Armchair Analysis: Man, I really hate the US Post Office. Katherine Heigl and Armie Hammer must still be sitting on their front porches, waiting for this script while it was somehow delivered to Jennifer Westfeldt and Adam Scott.