Senior Editor
10.17.08 68 Comments

Here’s the part where I tell you what’s opening tonight. Click on the titles for trailers.

Max Payne – I’ll say this for it, the action scenes look pretty cool. You can really see the difference when you compare it to, say, Punisher. But all the critics hate it and it looks like it’s trying really really hard to be dark and disturbing even though it’s PG-13. Has there ever been a good movie based on a video game? Why the f-ck do they keep making these? Say hi to your mother for me. IN HELL.

Sex Drive – About a guy who goes on a drive in order to get laid. Get it? A sex drive. He’s going on a drive, for sex, and it’s also his desire for sex which drives him. Should I start over? Anyway, the Big Mexican Won’t Go Down scene was kinda funny.

W – Oliver Stone is the white Spike Lee. Even when I’m entertained by his movies I feel like I need a shower afterward. Everything you need to know is perfectly summed up by the plane scene in Any Given Sunday: Coach Pacino sits next to his young black quarterback Jamie Foxx in a desperate attempt to relate. PACINO: Whatcha listenin’ to? JAMIE FOXX: **takes out headphones** Trick Daddy. PACINO: Huh, I don’t know him. I really like jazz. Ya ever listen to jazz? JAMIE FOXX: **Shakes head** Rap. PACINO: What about Miles Davis? You ever listen to Miles Davis? JAMIE FOXX: **Shakes head** PACINO: Well, maybe I’ll make you a tape some time. JAMIE FOXX: **holds up CD and taps it** CDs. PACINO: **nods sadly, stares off in space – the generation gap is too wide!**

The Secret Life of Bees – Dear Diary: Today I flew around gathering the shit out of some pollen. I tell ya, we’re gonna be dick deep in some motherf-ckin honey this year. But no matter how hard I work, it’s never enough for the queen. I don’t know where she gets off. She doesn’t even have wings or a stinger like other queens, she’s just some matronly black chick. And she’s always spouting some corny southern “wisdom”. God she gets on my nerves. I mean, can’t she play any other role?

What Just Happened – This is supposed to be a Hollywood satire, and yet Sean Penn’s in it. Now, Sean Penn is a great actor, but he couldn’t even handle it when Chris Rock made a that-guy’s-in-every-movie joke about Jude Law at the Oscars. Says Roger Ebert: “This isn’t a Hollywood satire, it’s a sitcom. The flywheels of the plot machine keep it churning around, but it chugs off onto the back lot and doesn’t hit anybody in management.” Oh boy, Entourage the movie. I say rent see Tropic Thunder instead.

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