Senior Editor
11.06.09 17 Comments

(The Men Who Stare at Goatse)

Opening this weekend (click titles for reviews, trailer after the jump)

The Box
Frank Langella has a box and if you press the button you get some money, but someone in the world also dies.  So what’s the catch again?  And how much are we talking, like a twenty spot, or less?

A Christmas Carol
A digital Jim Carrey stars in Robert Zemeckis’ latest attempt to make motion-capture happen.  Dude, just film the damn actors, this computer crap looks stupid.

The Fourth Kind
Milla Jovovich and, uh, alien possession or something.  I’m a little disappointing with the trailer because I know the first kind is golden showers, the second kind is poo play, and I was kind of intrigued to find out what the fourth kind was.  Had my fingers crossed for some sort of shomit bukkake.

Men Who Stare at Goats
George Clooney, The Dude, Ewan Macgregor, goats — what’s not to like?  I had high hopes, but the reviews haven’t been too good so far.   And now I definitely won’t see it because I trust those fat, disgusting, know-it-all shut-ins like they were my brothers.

An inner-city girl goes on a quest for the magic ring that turned her fat so she can throw it off a mountain.  Just kidding, of course, except the part about her being really fat.  Supposed to be good, but then Oprah and Tyler Perry are involved and screw them.

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