With choices ranging from The Artist to Bikini Spring Break, there’s plenty to discuss about this week’s new DVDs. Besides this year’s Oscar winner for Best Picture, there’s Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street, some mythological gods, Julia Roberts, and Eddie Murphy. There’s Catholics and Sikhs and WWE wrestlers trying to act. There’s even a movie about -get this- zombies! What’ll they think of next? All that and the most befuddling box art I have ever seen.
21 Jump Street
Wrath Of The Titans
A Thousand Words
The Perfect Family
Oranges And Sunshine
Best Laid Plans
Bending The Rules
Bikini Spring Break
You want to find out which one has that brain-breaking box art? For that, my friends, you’ll have to keep reading on the next page. (Hint: it’s not Bikini Spring Break -that one’s pretty much what you’d expect.) If you couldn’t care less about such outdated trappings of physical media, click here for the Netflix instant streaming round-up.
21 Jump Street
I have to be honest, nothing about this movie sounded the least bit worthwhile to me. First off, it’s based on a crappy TV show I never bothered to watch because, even as a kid, I knew it was crappy. Also, it was supposed to be the pet project of Jonah Hill. Now, I like Jonah Hill just fine as the foul-mouthed sidekick in movies, but that doesn’t mean I give the slightest hair off of a squirrel’s nutsack (you decide for yourself if I mean a scrotum or an actual baggie of delicious nuts) what movies he wants to make. Your job, Mr. Hill, is to be fat and profane. That is all. Lastly, they cast Channing Tatum. For the longest time, I couldn’t tell you a single thing about Channing Tatum unless I inferred it from Burnsy’s version of C-Tates. This movie sounded horrible. Then a few strange things happened. Jonah Hill got nominated for an Oscar. Obviously there isn’t a definite correlation, but maybe he is more than just a triple-chin that says ‘f*ck’ a lot. Also, the trailer came out, and it looked…actually pretty good. C-Tates was still C-Tates, but he seemed right for the part. Finally, Vince reviewed the flick and gave it a very favorable ‘B+’. So I never bothered to go see it because I really don’t follow through with things. It’s like that time my neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his. Anyhow, if you –like me- really want to see this but for some reason still haven’t, it’s on DVD now. Just so you know.
I never got around to seeing 21 Jump Street, but I saw this –before it won the Best Picture Oscar, no less. Aren’t I special? Anyhow, as I’m sure you will recall, this is that silent film with that dog. It’s a damn good thing it’s silent, too, because the woman next to me when I went to see this film was eating an apple. Seriously, she was wearing a leopard-print vest and pulled an apple out of her purse. Who sneaks in an apple? She crunched on that red motherf*cker like it was her last meal. But whatever, it was a silent movie so it wasn’t like I was missing the dialogue. Then, when she was left with just the core, she tossed it in front of us and it hit a lady in a wheelchair. Completely unrelated, but also completely true: with five minutes left in the film, another lady in my theater completely freaked out and had to be removed. Oh yeah, the movie. So anyways, it’s an entertaining –if totally gimmicky- little flick and you could do worse with your movie choices. It won an ass-ton of Oscars if that matters to you.
Sam Worthington battles the same monsters he battled a few years ago in Clash Of The Titans, but this time he has a different haircut. Actually, I don’t know if they are the same monsters; I’ve never seen the first film. I haven’t heard great things about either of these movies, but they have to be good, right? Why else would IMDb tell me that Clash Of The Titans 3 is in development? Look, I could write more about this, but I’d really hate to give it more thought than the people who actually made this flick. I mean, just check out the music choice they made for the trailer.
Speed and Blown Away. Dante’s Peak and Volcano. Armageddon and Deep Impact. Every once in a while movie studios produce films with essentially identical plots and decide to release them at essentially the same time, leaving the viewing public to decide which film sucks, and which film sucks but sold more tickets. This year that phenomenon was based on that gem of the public domain, Snow White. First out of the gate was Tarsem Singh’s Mirror Mirror, and it was an instant flop. Does that mean the reasonably successful Snow White And The Huntsman is the better film? Of course not, it just means that the cat ladies and cat ladies-in-waiting who keep buying tickets to the Twilight movies will also buy tickets to any other piece of crap Kristen Stewart is in. For the rest of us, regardless of our feelings about Snow White And The Huntsmen, we simply were not going to pay to see Mirror Mirror; not because the idea of Phil Collin’s hairy daughter as ‘the fairest of them all’ is laughable, but because Mirror Mirror has promo photos like this. Even drag queens think this movie needs to tone it down.
With every word Eddie Murphy speaks, one of 1,000 leaves falls off of a magical tree. When the last leaf falls, the tree and Murphy will die. In the spirit of this movie, I too will choose my words carefully: F*ck. No.