There are a lot of new DVDs this week, and The Watch (pictured above) is just one of them. There’s also the latest Pixar flick and the latest Oliver Stone film. There are films starring Christopher Walken, John Travolta, Chris Rock, and Sean Astin. There are vamps and vampires, dark horses, devil’s angels, British thieves and British prison guards. We’ve got two Dove Foundation-approved films, and one of them even stars an Oscar-nominee. It’s an exciting week to watch films on DVD -especially if you don’t limit your viewing choices to this week’s admittedly mediocre new releases.
2 Days In New York
The Queen Of Versailles
Amazing Love: The Story Of Hosea
Comes A Bright Day
A Beer Tale
3 Times A Charm
Vampires: Brighter In Darkness
One of this week’s movies has a loose tie to The Beatles. If you want to know which one, continue reading. Curious which Oscar-nominee is making Dove-approved films now? Continue reading. Want to watch a movie right this very second?
Click here for the Netflix suggestions, but if you do, you’ll never find out which film involves a cannibalistic drug lord -unless you come back and read the article after you’ve watched your Netflix movie, in which case, we’re all good. But seriously, why the rush?
Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill (medium-sized for this flick), and that black British dude from that British sitcom I’ve never bothered to check out star as three suburban dudes who start a neighborhood watch, only to discover that the neighborhood is in the midst of an alien invasion. Hilarity ensues? As usual, that’s up to you, the viewer, to decide, but with only 17% on Rotten Tomatoes, the critics didn’t think so. The movie also failed financially, as the worldwide box-office take wasn’t even quite enough to match this film’s production budget. So why did we all stay away? Was it because the premise felt insensitive after the Trayvon Martin shooting? Was it because this opened the week after The Dark Knight Rises hit theaters, and everyone who wasn’t scared of getting shot at the movies went to see Batman do his thing instead? Or did it have nothing to do with our nation’s greater gun-control debate? My personal theory: People only like to see Ben Stiller in movies with ‘Focker’ in the title. It’s funny because it’s almost like saying ‘f*cker’; if you aren’t careful, somebody might even think you ARE saying ‘f*cker’ and you’d have to explain to them that you said ‘Focker’ and then you’d both just laugh and laugh –unlike you’d be doing if you watched this R-rated flick where they probably don’t even employ the fine art of profanity-based wordplay because they can just say whatever vulgar swear words they want. Lazy motherfockers. (See? Funny!)
Look, nothing I write about Brave matters. You all know what it is, and you all know if you want to see it or buy it or whatever. That being said, I wanted to commend Disney and Pixar for actually releasing this DVD today and not on a Friday. They know it isn’t their best work, and they aren’t acting like it is a home-video ‘event’. Good job, Disney! Anyhow, here are some of the other stellar films that are coming out today but aren’t quite home-video ‘eventy’ enough to get their own paragraphs: Saints & Soldiers: Airborne Creed –this indie WWII flick actually looks surprisingly polished and competently made. It’s a shame, therefore, that it actually came out yesterday. Who do these assh*les think they are? It’s not like yesterday was anything special; I didn’t even get any mail, for f*ck’s sake. Nitro Circus: The Movie – Hey who wants to see Jackass, but with all the homoerotic stunts cut out? Yeah, me either. Painted Skin: The Resurrection –The trailer for this Chinese film includes a dude sword fighting a bear. No, the bear doesn’t get a sword, and that’s why I’m not featuring this film on its own. Heathens And Thieves – A low-budget western starring Patrick Swayze’s brother Don. For real. The Point Of Regret: A Killer Unleashed – It just wouldn’t be Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming without at least one mention of a sh*tty horror flick with an unnecessary colon-and-subtitle, now would it?
Aaron Johnson, Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, Benicio Del Toro, and John Travolta star in this Oliver Stone flick about two drug-dealing best friends, their shared girlfriend, and the Mexican cartel that kidnaps the girl in order to strong-arm the friends into doing business. The drug-dealing BFFs decide to take her back by force instead. To be honest, I can’t decide if this movie looks pretty good to me or if it looks like I would just get a headache watching it. I guess I’m going to find out though -this film is R-rated for ‘strong brutal and grisly violence, some graphic sexuality, nudity, drug use and language throughout’. And that’s the theatrical cut; the DVD’s unrated. Look, I’m not promising that the graphic sexuality and nudity involves Blake Lively and Salma Hayek playing with each others’ breasts, I’m just promising that I’m going to find out and I’ll report back. You’re welcome.
There are two ways you can look at this film. On the one hand, it’s the director and star of Clueless reuniting for another comedy that analyzes the current social zeitgeist, or you can see it as a sad, straight-to-video* attempt at re-obtaining professional relevance for a woman in her 60s who hasn’t had a movie in theaters since 2000’s Loser (‘starring’ Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari), which stars a 36-year-old actress whose last high profile role was playing Batgirl in Batman & Robin 15 years ago and is therefore also trying to re-obtain some professional relevance. Also, let’s not forget it’s a rom-com about vampires. That’s really all I had to say.